Podcast Episode 341: 3 Things You Need to Know to Heal Your Grief After a Loss Transcripts
Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.
Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I’m your host JoAnn Crohn here with the delightful and dancing Brie Tucker. Why hello, hello everybody. Are you today? I’m looking for more alliterations that I could use with Brie’s name and I found one. I found one this morning Brie. Brunch with Brie. I mean, it’s amazing.
Brunch with Brie. It’s a good one. You know what? We should make that a thing at all of our retreats. Brunch with Brie and Joe with Joe. Brunch with Brie and Joe with Joe. Exactly. Exactly. Well, in today’s podcast, we are going to tackle a topic that usually feels a little awkward, but it doesn’t have to be that way. In the next 30 minutes, our guest is going to help you figure out why it’s so awkward to approach a friend who is in the grieving process.
and how to make it less awkward. Our guest is Krista St- Germain. She’s a master certified life coach, post-traumatic growth and grief expert, widow, mom, and host of the Widowed Mom podcast. When her husband was killed by a drunk driver in 2016, Krista’s life was completely and unexpectedly flipped upside down. After therapy helped her uncurl from the fetal position, Krista discovered life coaching post-traumatic growth and learned the tools she needed to move forward and create a future she could get excited about.
Now she coaches and teaches other widows so they can love life again too. Krista’s been featured online and in print in Psychology Today, Psych Central, Bustle, Charlotte Parent, Medium, and Parents Magazine, and on select podcasts such as Grief to Growth, Seek the Joy, Life Check Yourself, and now No Guilt Mom. So with that, let’s get on with the show.
INTRO MUSIC
Welcome, Krista, to the podcast. It’s so wonderful to have you here. Thanks for having me. I’m always excited when anybody wants to talk about grief. know, Excited to talk about grief. Yes. It’s that topic where we’re like, OK, I know that we all have this. It’s that taboo thing that you know happens in life and everybody needs to talk about it, but you just don’t want to.
Krista, usually I ask where you’re joining us from. Where do you live? Yeah, I live in Wichita, Kansas. Oh. Smack in the middle of the country. Oh, here we go. Free-hand it for you, Krista. I grew up somewhere. Somewhere near there. I grew up in Kansas City, Missouri. Hey. Northland. Uh-huh. But I have Chiefs fan? I actually have quite a few sorority sisters that live in Wichita now. Oh, fun. What sorority? Yeah, Alpha Gamma Delta. Go squirrels. Very nice. Delta Gamma.
I can tell you, I was so grateful for mine when my husband died. Holy cow, you want to talk about, yeah, but they rallied around me hard. And that was when I was 40. Yeah. So it wasn’t like I was even a little spring chicken out of college. See, that’s awesome to have that connection and have that support. Can you share about your story and how you got into the line of work you do now? Yeah, definitely not part of the five or 10 year plan. no. Never intended to do grief work at all. But I was 40, had recently gotten remarried.
first marriage had kind of ended in flames. We had two beautiful children out of the marriage, second marriage was proof that amazing humans do exist and you can be treated very well. life felt like it was like all signs were pointing towards sunshine. And we had taken a trip and we were on the way back from that trip and we had driven separately and I had a flat tire and I pulled over on the side of the highway. We were very close to being home. And he didn’t want to call AAA. He was like, baby, just let me change the tire. We’ll get home faster. I just want to get home. And so he’s in between his car and my car getting into the trunk trying to get the spare tire. And I’m standing on the side of the road texting my daughter, who was 12, at the time, to tell her we would be late. And a driver who we later found out had meth in his system and alcohol in his system. It was daylight. It was 530 on a Sunday. Hazard lights were on. He did not see us. Did not break. Nothing. just crashed right into the back of Hugo’s car and trapped him in between his car my car. Yeah, it went from fairy tale moment in life to like a rug pulled right out from under me. And so, you we got him to the hospital, but he died within, you know, 24 hours. And while I did have an amazing therapist who had helped me through that divorce, I loved her. What I really quickly found out is that
I didn’t really know much about grief. And what I thought I knew about grief was not really very helpful. Yeah. And so fast forward, you know, through a whole bunch of doing my own work and then discovering life coaching. And I just decided I want people to have an easier experience of grief. this work is really meaningful to me. And so that’s what I do now is I quit my quit my corporate job. My husband and I used to work together, quit that job and then became a coach. And that’s what I’ve been doing since 2018. Wow. What?
Do you see people usually get wrong about grief? Well, first of all, the only grief theory people seem to know about is the five stages of grief. Yeah. Like, have you ever heard of any other grief theory? That’s the only thing I know, the five stages. Let’s go over it, though, for everybody. Yeah. Yeah. OK. So you want to guess when that one was created? Let’s see. The 50s. I would say, around Freud. Late 60s. Late 60s. yeah. I was close this winter.
I, you know, think about that, how much time has passed, right? Just like any field of study evolves over time. we just seem to have gotten stuck in this one. So I think it’s really interesting to know that Elizabeth Kubler-Ross’s work, The Five Stages, was not even originally about grief. It was about death and dying, right? It was about hospice patients. And what happens when you come to terms with your own terminal diagnosis? Right, so you deny and then you get angry and then you bargain, right?
Okay, that makes sense. Yes, doesn’t it? And she never meant it to be prescriptive. She never meant it to be formulaic. Yeah. She never meant to insinuate that once you reach acceptance, which is the fifth stage that you poof, you you would never be sad again or never grieve again. But I think we like, we like the idea of a formula. We like the idea of steps. Yeah. You know, it gives you this sense of control. Yeah. Like I, Joanne knows this about me. Like my life gets I lose my schiznit when I lose control of what’s going on around me. And I know it’s a typical traumatic response, but I can say that’s why I have peace of mind with the five stages of grief, because I quote unquote thought, until we started this conversation today, that I would know what to expect going into something like that, because there’s so many unknowns. Yeah. And wouldn’t it be nice if it was just a formula that you could just follow and you could just trust that if you just went through the stages, then you would be fine. Yeah.
You’d able to predict it. what’s such an unpredictable thing. Yeah. So when like you, like we have friends who have been through really, really tough situations and I for one never know what to say. I feel like I’m going to step over into something that they don’t want to talk about or that’s going to make them even more sad.
Like I don’t want to cause them any more pain than they’re in so far. So because of all that, I usually end up saying nothing, which makes me feel kind of like a crappy friend as well. Like why is it so awkward to talk about this? First of all, I just want to normalize that, right? It’s not just you. Like I did the same thing. I look back and I’m like, all the things I didn’t say or could have said.
So I think it’s so awkward in part because we are socialized to believe that emotions are problems. Right? are taught that when someone is sad, something is wrong and needs to be fixed. Yes. Right. Okay. I 100 % will like, I believe that because yeah, some of us, our role that we see ourselves that make us worthy is that we are, especially as moms, I think we feel like it’s our job to emotionally make sure everybody is okay.
And so when, like, to Joanne’s point, I have a friend. Yeah, like to Joanne’s point, like my friends, I have a friend that I haven’t had, we’re like friends, but like, I don’t get to see her all the time and her husband passed. I barely knew her husband and I don’t even know like, yeah, just totally clueless on what to say and like how to even approach it besides that. I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds so empty.
Yeah, there’s something called the writing reflex, like R-I-G-H-T, not like writing with a pen, but writing reflex, which is this idea was discovered in motivational interviewing that when we see someone who’s in pain, we have a tendency to want to write that pain and fix it. But also I think we simultaneously know that grief is appropriate, that sadness is appropriate. And so it’s like a little bit of a conflict where we want to write it, but we also, it’s…we kind of know it should be there. And so we don’t really know what to do and just the whole thing feels awkward. Right. Right. That makes sense. Right. Yeah. Right after this break, I want to get into how we can make it less awkward so that we could show up as the friends that we want to be and also know what to do with the situation. So we’ll talk about that right after this. So Krista, how can we make this less awkward? Let’s start first.
What can we say to friends the first time that we see them after something horrible has happened in their lives? So I think we want to just remember that that instinct to write is natural, and we don’t have to respond to it. Nothing has really gone wrong when someone is grieving. It is the natural response to a perceived loss. It is what humans are supposed to do. So if we can remember that, and we can remember that what grief really needs is a witness.
We’re not trying to make somebody feel better. Think about things that people might have said to you when you’re sad or something has happened to you and you’re grieving. They’re in a better place. Don’t worry. You’re young. Be grateful that you had them. We say everything happens for a reason. All of these cliched platitudes with the intention of you don’t feel good and I don’t know how to feel good when you don’t feel good. So I’m going to say something that hopefully makes you feel better. But how it’s received is dismissive.
When you’re the one, I can see how that is. You don’t really want somebody to talk you out of your pain. What you want is somebody who can be with you in your pain, who can witness it. And so anything that is witnessing but is not trying to take away or fix is usually better received. So this sucks, I’m so sorry. I love you, I’m here for you. This is really hard. I love them so much. But nothing that tries to take away the pain, just something that says, I’m with you, I love you.
Right, this is really hard, but not, don’t count your blessing. I hate those comments where they’re like, well, at least this didn’t happen and at least this didn’t happen. my God. stay busy. At least you had children. At least you knew what true love felt like, right? There’s always these, at least it could be worse, like anything like that. We’re trying to change how someone feels and we just want to witness it and be there with them. And then like how then, cause I would feel.
I go into that situation, I’m there with a friend and I’m like, this sucks, this is horrible. Over time, like I would feel that I, I mean, this is totally selfish and looking at myself in this situation. I think hopefully other people do this too, but you start to feel like a broken record. Like you don’t have anything to add to the conversation or you don’t have anything to do to support them. I think a lot of people feel like that. I think you’re right, Joanne. A lot of us feel like we only have.
so many lines that we can keep saying and then we feel like we’re being- or kind of, yeah. And creative and supportive. Yeah, like we’re just being a waste of space by keep showing up and bringing it up. Yeah, isn’t it interesting though that we feel this need to fill the space? yeah. The best times I had when I was like with friends after Hugo died were when people were just with me. Like they didn’t insist on trying to say something to me. Like they would just-
hey, do you want to go to the bookstore and we’ll just like go do something. And we don’t have to fill the space necessarily or talk about it. I will say that it can be really hard as the person who is grieving when you believe that everyone else has forgotten, right, or moved on. And it’s still so prevalent in your mind. But because people feel like awkward around you or maybe they aren’t thinking about it, they don’t tend to bring up your loss. You’re thinking about it all.
all the time. And so it’s actually quite validating when other people will bring it up, right? And to let them know that you’re thinking of them, share a memory about that person, right? Not, hey, how you’re really doing. You know, not like creepy bringing it up, but just like not making sure that they know that they haven’t been forgotten, right? It could just be a text here or there. OK, I have a question that I don’t know if I’m going too much into this or not, but
How can you tell or what can you do to help somebody that is maybe going through it a little bit longer than they should, than I see it now that sounds bad, right? It’s so good that you said it though. I’m gonna say it and you can correct me. When it seems like they’re upset for something longer than they should be. yeah, right. So here’s what I love about this. This is what so many of us are falling into, which is this idea that grief ends.
Right? Because we understand the five stages and because we think acceptance is some sort of place. It’s like golf. It’s like 18 holes and we get to the end and we’re done. Right? And so we should move on or not be so sad. But the truth is that that’s not how it works. We integrate the grief. Right? But if grief is the natural human response to a perceived loss and the perceived loss cannot be undone, then we will always experience grief.
It can ebb and flow and evolve, and we can think about it differently over time. But there is no end. And so we have to stop measuring it that way. The secondary losses will just keep coming. So there’s the primary loss, is whoever died or whatever was lost. And then the secondary. All the losses that wouldn’t have happened if the primary loss hadn’t happened. for instance, I imagined my husband and I were going to go. We had just hiked a mountain, we were gonna go hike the one next to it the next year, right? So not getting to do that was a secondary loss. Or him not being at, you know, my daughter’s graduation is a secondary loss. Things that you can’t really predict because they haven’t happened yet, but when they get there, you realize that the loss is still impacting you in a new way. Sucks. I mean, yeah, it’s just grief, right? So those things will keep coming. And if we can stop telling ourselves that we’re not supposed to be,
having feelings about that, then it gets easier. Now, if somebody’s quality of life is impacted to the point where they aren’t functioning in the way that they want, right, then we want them to know that there’s help out there for that. We want them to know that this loss does not have to define or limit them in the long run such that they can never be who they want to be again, right? Post-traumatic growth is possible for everybody and support is available, but for most people, know, grieving is a very natural process and they might seek support, but humans are very resilient. What about for kids when you know a child who has lost someone, is there anything different in how to approach them other than, you know, being the witness to their pain, sharing good memories about the person that they lost? I mean, I think it’s also, you know, good to keep in mind the age of the child, right? Because how you would approach
know, a two-year-old is probably going to be different than how you would approach a teenager. But what I find is helpful is being honest, but age-appropriate, right? And so often people kind of want to, they want to use terms that are nebulous and like kind of kid-glovey, which actually can end up backfiring because it can make the child less comfortable. like saying, you know, when people are honest about how a child’s parent dies, right, or they try to
Well, just, you know, they fell asleep and they never woke up. Well, that’s terrifying if you’re a child. Yeah. Because, now is that going to happen to you? Is it going to happen to me? Right? Even death by suicide. How do we say it in a way that’s age appropriate but honest? And so those are some of the things that we want to be thinking about. Yeah, it’s a hard, it’s definitely a hard issue. I remember that when my daughter was four, her preschool teacher died while she was her preschool teacher.
And talking about it with a four-year-old, found that the best thing was to be honest, to be like, she had a heart attack. But you’re safe right now, too. Your heart is good. Because that was one of the first things that she asked. She’s like, well, are you and dad going to have a heart attack? you like, yeah. So it was unexpected that a kid would respond that way.
You have, you’ve given us such great things to make it less awkward, Krista. First, just be the witness and empathize with your friend, your loved one. Say you’re there for them and also just bring up good memories of the person and say that you’re thinking of them. Both amazing. Right after this break, I want to talk about post-traumatic growth and like what that looks like and how like we as people, like if we have experienced grief or like help, we can help friends through it or just understand it better. And we’re going to talk about that right after this. So Krista, you are an expert in post-traumatic growth. And first, could you describe it a little bit? What does that mean? Yeah. I remember hearing it the first time and I was like, what? What’d they say? Seems like everybody knows about post-traumatic stress disorder, but post-traumatic growth, maybe not so much. So post-traumatic growth was an idea that was coined in the mid-90s by a couple of researchers. At the time,
We thought about trauma very differently than we do now. At the time, we thought about trauma as like big T, little t, know, very objective. Something would happen and that’s traumatic, right? Now we know that trauma is very subjective and what might be traumatic to me might not be traumatic to you. But what they were noticing is that they expected in their studies to see kind of two responses to trauma. This is really all that we knew about at the time. One was that the person’s level of wellness or quality of life would dip.
and then it would bounce back to where it was, right? The other one is that it would dip and it would never come back. Those are the only options, right? The best you could hope for is like to get somebody back to the level of wellness or life satisfaction that they had experienced before the trauma. But what they noticed is that there was this third group of people who were dipping down, but they weren’t just bouncing back, they were bouncing forward. And it wasn’t, it was actually because of what had happened. Not in spite of it, but because of it. Because what we know now is that no matter what happens to us, even when we experience it as traumatic, we get to be the ones who decide what we want to make of it and who we want to be in the face of it, right? And what changes we might want to make given that we have been through that experience. And so it can be something that we may not be grateful that it happened, right? But it can kind of scratch the record and stop things and make you pause and go, wait, okay. If life is this precious,
Am I living it the way that I wanna be? Am I living in accordance with what I value? Because so many of us are just going through autopilot, and we’re not really. And so post-traumatic growth, I don’t want people to think of it as something that you should do, that’s the last thing we need is another should. And I definitely don’t see it as morally superior. But my thought is if a tornado comes and knocks down your house, you’re gonna have to rebuild. You could try to build something as close to what you had before that’d be fine. Also though, if you’ve lived there for a while and you’ve learned some things, you know, maybe you didn’t have a shelter in the basement. Now you want a shelter, right? You could update the design of your house and take into account all the things you have learned through the time that you have lived there and through losing it and then, you know, build accordingly. So is that house better? No. Does it mean that you are happy the tornado came? No. Right. But we always get to choose. Okay. So I have to say as someone who has been through a not so fun divorce, that kind of almost sounds like a lot. So I want to ask, do you feel like in your life particularly that you almost have the opportunity of looking back and being like, all right, I made it through my divorce, which was messy and icky and not where I wanted to be. And I didn’t want that to happen, but I learned so much more.
Do you feel like in your case, like you kind of leaned upon that experience to kind of help you with this one or is it completely different? I mean, because honestly, your story alone, just, can’t, my brain is still coming out of my ears from it. I mean, yeah, I think everything you go through, right? You learn lessons and you figure out who you want to be next and what you want to do next. So I for sure leveraged the challenge that was my divorce. I think also interestingly, it had really, this sounds so odd to say.
But one of my sorority sisters died when she was 25 and she was killed and the people who killed her on death row and it’s a it’s a whole ugly thing. But we created a camp program for kids who are blind or visually impaired in her name. And that happened to be the camp that Hugo and I were coming back from when the accident happened. And so and I know right. What are the odds. But I kind of in the back of my mind I knew what good we had made come out of Heather’s death. And so I already had the idea that
Not that you have to make good things come out. You don’t. Things can just be bad and that’s it, right? Yeah. But I had this idea because I had already been through something kind of like it that this could be that too in some ways. Not that I wanted it to happen or would ever be grateful that it did. But I really, that was oddly helpful. Yeah. I could see that for sure, right? Because you’re like, I had a really bad experience. It kind of almost goes along with that saying that we have of like, oh, God doesn’t give you more than you can handle. It’s kind of like, all right, there had to be a reason for it. And I’m going to find that reason. And that’s going to help. Yeah, it was more like, I’m going to show up for myself in this. You know? Yeah. I’m going to make some good come out of it. That’s a good one. Because the whole saying, like, there must be a reason things happen. It’s so horrible to have that said to you when you have a horrible thing happen to you. Yeah.
Yeah, it’s more like, okay, universe, you can knock me down. Yeah. But I can still get up, you know? was like a, yeah. Anytime I think you look back and you see you’ve already done that to some extent, and you can leverage that. Yeah, the situation empowered you and gave you the confidence that you could handle the, yeah, this horrible event because you handled it. While also being in a complete puddle and completely numb and that, you know, like I don’t wanna make it sound glamorous. It was not glamorous.
It was terrible. I don’t think anybody heard your story and thought you’re being glamorous. It’s all good. We definitely feel like you were just like put on a cave and be like, know, right? Let’s go. definitely feel like you’re sharing your experience with us because so many of us have run into this. either like, again, it’s either been like a friend that has lost. Well, no, gosh. Okay. So I’m probably doing all the wrong things right now because I’m getting ready to say like,
there’s a difference when you lose a spouse. And then I’m like, well, we’ll wait. But I mean, guess like every death hat, like not I guess. Golly jeepers people, am, if you could see the hole, 10 feet, look it up just to see the light. so deep in the hole right you’re doing right now though, as I think a lot, what a lot of people think, like this is the awkwardness that comes around death. Like not knowing what to say, feeling like you really get into it. and then you stop. Yeah. And dig the hole. Yeah.
Yeah, and then it can really be problematic when it’s your experience too, because then you’re telling yourself, oh, well, their loss is worse than mine. Right. Right? You’re like, can like start shitting on yourself. Well, at least I should be grateful because they had it so much worse than I did. Instead of being like, no, all grief is hard. Yeah. Right? It’s different for every person. It’s not formulaic. My pain sees your pain.
And we’re like in this together kind of experience, even though we’ve had different experiences. Yes. Krista, you’ve given us so much great information about grief and especially like steps that we could take with friends to make it all less awkward. Switching subjects just a little bit. What is exciting that’s going on for you in your life? What are you looking forward to? Well, my 21-year-old is about to come home from Buenos Aires. She’s been there for a semester. I can’t keep her in the city. She’s like in Costa Rica for a while and then Spain studying for a while and now she’s in Buenos Aires. So she’s coming back. So I’m very excited about that. that’s exciting. Yeah, I know, right? my gosh. That’s amazing. I wish I had that kind of spirit of I’m just going to try it. I went to school like five miles from my house. So no, she’s a different breed of cat. I could be adventurous with
some things in life, but just saying let’s just go for it, Joanne knows that it’s like a terrifying statement to me. See, I would do it. I’d do it all the time. would do it. And you would be dragging my ass behind you the whole time too. She’d like, come on, let’s just, come on, Bree, rip off the bandaid. You can do it. Let’s go. Even with travel, Krista, even with travel, there’s this little like thing on Instagram that both me and our friend Shayna sent Bree, and it was like, there’s the friend who plans all the travel.
And then there’s the friend who just tags along and like wants to know what we’re doing. And it’s like this friend. And breeze the tag along. I am. I You just love it. Like I just get told like we’re picking you up at this time and this is our gate and okay. All right. Cool. Cool. That’s good. It’s how it goes. Hey that’s great. Let other people do the work. Show up. I that’s what she does. I love it. I love it. get to do things that I would never do. You have some of the birth order stuff going for you too with the baby and the family.
Yeah, I’m an older child and Shayna’s an older child. I was gonna say my two travel friends are firstborns, so I just get to like live up the baby. Yes. Well, Krista, thank you so much for joining us and giving us all this great information and we will talk to you soon. Thanks for being willing. So talking to Krista was great. mean, like I’ll say before we get on this interview, I’m like, Bree, I don’t know how to handle this interview. I’m uncomfortable talking about grief.
JoAnn Crohn (28:42.358)
I don’t know what to say, I don’t know what to do. It scared me that her husband died, because I’m like, what do I say? What do I do? And I want to say that’s a normal human reaction. Two things. So that’s why I acknowledge it publicly right now. So if you’re listening, just know, like acknowledge publicly. And she also has some really great tips. I felt like her tips helped me through that interview. So you saw in real time how it could take the awkwardness away.
It is something of a, like a magic trick I almost see with validating. And it’s funny, I’m gonna tell you from my perspective of being someone who has two people in her life who are very good at validating feelings. I have you and I have my husband. You guys are very good at validating feelings. And I, on the other hand, am very uncomfortable with hard feelings. You know that.
we’ll be doing a coaching session and someone starts crying and I’m like, virtual hugs. I like, I don’t know what to do. And then you, you can like work with that. So I think that it just kind of brought to the forefront, what I already knew in the back of my head, but is never my natural response. don’t have to fix it.
I just have to validate it. And I know how good it feels to be like, have someone be like, I’m not trying to fix it. I’ll just, I’ll sit here in the crap with you. Yeah. Because it’s hard to like, if someone tries to fix it and you don’t like their solution, like, because you’re not even looking for a solution. You’re just like, everything sucks right now and da da da. You’re not, your brain isn’t even ready to look at possible solutions. Well, and I think that in the terms of grief, the solution you want.
is the only solution you can’t have. Just have the person back. Yeah, 99 % of the time. The solution that you really, really deeply want is for the person that you love to be here. I was like 99 % of the time in that off chance that they’re really alive like they are. What is that off chance? I want to know.
JoAnn Crohn (30:54.254)
It’s the one person that had faked their death to leave an abusive relationship. I’m not basing this at all on the stranger or the enemy in my bed or whatever that was that my gosh, Julia Roberts Outer bakes the TV show everybody comes back from the dead everybody does like there’s always like you’re not really dead. now are you dead? Okay, you’re dead. I know right so
So yeah, so I really loved having Krista come, especially because like we had a really, I had a friend that I’ve known in multiple different faucets whose husband unexpectedly died. And I think it’s those unexpected ones that scare the crap out of me. Yeah. Because you just realize, yeah, you realize that in a second, everything can change. And I think that Krista brought up a really good point of, this how I want to live my life? Like with the time that I have and
And just sitting there and being there, like, yeah, sometimes that’s just what we need. people just need to be understood. That’s all. It’s like what we base all of our coaching on too, is whenever I’m coaching someone, whenever I’m giving advice on parenting, it always goes back to that same thing. You just need to help people feel understood. And you’ll notice that your life gets so much easier. Well, your relationship gets so much easier, so much more productive, so much like more caring, and you feel safe in it. If you could just make them feel understood. That’s it.
Yeah, and if you felt like this episode was helpful, can you do us a favor and will you share this episode? Like, let’s all take a little pinky promise commitment right now. We are going to share this episode with at least three of our friends. We’re going to text it on over right now. Come on, pull out your phone. You can do it. We’re gonna open up Brie really wants you to share. Brie really, really wants you to share. Do it for Brie. And until next time, remember, the best mom’s a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.
Thanks for stopping by.
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