Eliminating the Things You Don’t Have to Do (And Delegating) Transcript

[00:00:00] JoAnn Crohn: Hey I am JoAnn Crohn. your host of the No Guilt Mom podcast here at No Guilt Mom we want to help you go from martyr to model where you were modeling the behavior you want to see from your kids and you are showing them what a fulfilled adult life looks like all without the overwhelm so today fits really closely into that we’re going to be talking about how to eliminate the things that you don’t want to do or that you don’t have. To do you might be thinking, JoAnn, I have so much to do. How do I make these decisions?

[00:00:36] How do I decide that is what we’re going to cover here? Because I feel like the information out there is how to do more, how to fit more in your day or how to get in little chunks of time when really the best option is to take things away. 

[00:00:53] Now, one of the ways to. Reduce stress and making sure that you’re able to go after the things that are important to you is through this process of elimination because we have so many things available to us. And frankly, so many of those things sound fun, like they sound like things we want to do while the other things.

[00:01:16] Sound like things we have to do, like there’s a ball that’s going to drop or our kids won’t get something they need, or maybe we’re caring for an older parent and they won’t get something they need. everything feels incredibly urgent. I know a mom who has a full time job and is a volunteer bus driver for her kids school because there’s no bus drivers and she’s taking on so much that she can’t find time for all the other things to.

[00:01:44] it in. If you feel like you have a very, very full plate right now and you have no idea how to fit in, let’s say stuff for you, or maybe it’s making a better connection with your partner having date night. Having quality time with your kids, pursuing that hobby that you absolutely love, but you feel like you can’t fit in the day.

[00:02:10] Or you feel like you can’t get in any relaxation without kids coming in to interrupt you. This is a session for you. Because I’m sure that you might have seen that metaphor of rocks in a jar. Have you seen this metaphor? It’s where, somebody, it’s usually a college professor, brings a jar to the front of the classroom.

[00:02:32] And on his desk he has like big rocks, he has middle rocks, and he has pebbles and sand and stuff. And he asks his students, okay, how could we fit the most amount of things in this jar? And then he demonstrates. If you start with the sand, all the little items, and then you pile in the pebbles, you’re only able to put in one or two rocks.

[00:02:52] But if you start with the big rocks and they fill to the top of the jar, and then you put in the pebbles and they fill in the spaces of all those little big rocks, and then you put in the sand and it fills in those spaces and all the little sand, then you can fit more in the jar. And this is supposed to be a metaphor for how you use your time and your priorities.

[00:03:14] So that you do the big things first and then the space that is left over, those little things can be fit in. But there’s a problem with that. Because right now, at this point in time, we have way too many big rocks. Like, those big rocks won’t even fit in our jars! Because there’s just too many of them! And we’re up against this question of…

[00:03:39] Which big rocks can we drop? What can we eliminate and what can we eliminate out of the pebbles and the sand to actually give us a little more breathing room, a little more space, a little more time doing the things we want to do or just. Discover the things we want to do because there are so many responsibilities that we have So here’s how you do it.

[00:04:06] First of all, it is about recognizing What’s going on if you are somebody who has a huge to do list you crank through that to do list each day And at the end of the day you find you are just exhausted and you have no time to do anything else rather than just lay there Comatose watching Netflix. I’ve been there.

[00:04:26] I know how it is. You are going to find this incredibly fascinating because all of our responsibilities and all of our to dos, we need to first recognize. That we are taking care of a lot of little stuff first. We’re being reactionary. We’re not being too intentional with our time. When we do that, the next thing that we have to do is we’re going to have to make some hard choices and we’re going to have to deal with some discomfort.

[00:04:55] And I’m going to get more into that as we go along. So let’s start with the first thing. Let’s start with this. What do we want to be intentional about? And so I ask you right now, What do you value? What is the most important thing to you in your life? Is it your family and your time with your family? Is it being able to do some kind of personal creative expression?

[00:05:22] And you could do both. I know that there’s a little bit of guilt there because especially if you’re a mom, how dare you say that your creative expression goes above your kids, right? So there’s no guilt here. You could do both. You could do both. Creative expression is a wonderful thing. It helps you be a happier person.

[00:05:41] And kids, they are a wonderful thing and they have so many joys that come with them as well. So what do you value? List out those values. If you have a notebook right now, write it down beside, like write it down beside you. See it on paper. What do you value? I’m going to give you some other values that I want you to think about though.

[00:06:04] Do you have? A unicorn time, and what’s a unicorn time? Well, it’s this concept that comes from Eve Rodsky’s book, Fair Play. And she refers to it as unicorn space, but in No Guilt Momland, we call it unicorn time. And what it is, is a personal project that you are passionate about, that fulfills your soul, and that you can share with other people.

[00:06:27] So some examples of unicorn time may be that you loved playing piano, and so now you’re practicing piano. And you’re going out into piano competitions and sharing all of your hard work and practicing with the world. Or maybe you’ve always been interested in art history and you’ve always thought you wanted to take a class in it.

[00:06:50] And so you’re going to a local community college and you’re taking a class in person in art history. To pursue that passion, or maybe you’re really passionate about kayaking. And so you’re getting on the river with friends and you’re going kayaking. What are you passionate about? What do you find fun?

[00:07:12] And this can be anything from live musics to hosting parties. I recently started something in my neighborhood called Margarita Monday. Um, I make really good margaritas too. because we lived here for a year and I felt like I didn’t know anybody. Like everybody stays in their homes because I’m in Phoenix, Arizona.

[00:07:34] It gets a little hot and there’s no reason for adults really to come outside. Like there’s playgrounds for kids, but you hardly see the adults. And especially cause a lot of us work from home. So we have this Facebook group for our neighborhood and I just put it out there. I was like, Hey. Does anyone else love margaritas?

[00:07:52] I make a really good one. I’m thinking of having a margarita Monday so that we can get to know each other and get to know our neighbors. And a few people responded. there was like, oh, like 20, 20 little hearts on that post. I just want to give you some details as an example of how this can go. 20 little hearts on this post.

[00:08:08] So I made an evite with all of the info and maybe like… Four people RSVP’d. I mean the Facebook group of our neighborhood has 200. Four people RSVP’d. Then one cancelled. And then one came last minute. And so we had actually three. Three women who I got to know over margaritas. That was my unicorn space.

[00:08:31] I love margaritas and I love getting to know my neighbors and especially how I can help other people. I just did it again. Actually, I called it tequila Tuesday because it was on a Tuesday this time and I had to have the alliteration, and two new people showed up and I got to meet two new people.

[00:08:44] What is your unicorn time? What fills your soul? What do you like to do? It doesn’t have to be an artistic pursuit. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated. It could be as simple as bringing together people in your neighborhood to talk and drink margaritas. So values determine what you value.

[00:09:06] Next one, place that value. So, you can think of this a lot like we get the typical advice about saving for our 401ks. You should always take the money out before you even see the paycheck because you’re really not going to miss the money once it’s gone and once it’s put away. However, if you’re trying to save after you see the money and after you spend the money, there’s probably not going to be enough money left over.

[00:09:33] To save, right? It’s always how it happens This is the same thing with your time and I’m gonna say this again. This is the same thing with your time You need to put your values on First you need to put in that fun for yourself first that thing that is going to energize you to be able to show up for the people in your life.

[00:09:58] You need to put that first, put that on your calendar first. So if you have quality time that you want to spend with your family, like you want to spend more quality time with your family, pick a date in the future. Put that thing on the calendar, put it on the calendar now, and you could pick a date that hasn’t been had anything planned on it yet, because I know that if I asked you to put something in the next week, you already have your plans typically for the next week, it’s already been filled, all that sand has come in and it has already been filled, so pick a date in the future and put that value on the calendar.

[00:10:35] I’ve told you that I really value my relationships, especially outside my family, those connections with friends and other women. And so girls outings are really important to me. I’m a girl’s girl. I love it. so I have a girl’s trip scheduled on my calendar. and we’re going to Mexico. 

[00:10:54] But, I was so scared the first time that I started scheduling those girl trips. Because I was like, Oh my gosh, what if like my kids need something? What if my husband like has a work crisis and he needs me for something? What if something happens with my parents during that time and they need me for something like all of these worries came up and all of those things that would probably fill up my time if I let it.

[00:11:17] So I put the trip on the calendar and the trip I’m talking about, we went to Italy for 10 days, just like me and my best friends. It was amazing. Put it on my calendar. Nothing got planned in those days. And when the time came, I went and I had the best time. And none of those emergencies came up. Nothing cropped up.

[00:11:37] Nothing happened like that. Because when you put in what you value first, all those other things are either going to be taken care of by someone else. Or they’re not even going to need to be handled by you. And if there was like some huge emergency that happened during that time, of course I would adjust my schedule.

[00:11:56] But typically that doesn’t happen. So that’s your second thing. Put what you value on your calendar. Do it. Find what you value and put it on your calendar. Okay, number three. Let’s delegate some stuff. And when I talk about delegating, I want you to delegate fully. So what does this mean?

[00:12:20] Well, when somebody is totally in charge of a task, there is a process called CPE. And CPE stands for Conceive, Plan & Execute. So for instance, if you put somebody in charge of doing the laundry each week in your house, and you’ve delegated laundry to them, they will conceive, see when the laundry needs to be done, plan, plan a time in their schedule when they can do the laundry, and then execute, actually do the laundry, fold stuff, put it away, depending on what has been agreed to before.

[00:12:56] That would be a total delegation of the task. However, sometimes we resist delegating because we want to hold on to the task so much because we really want it done a certain way. And so we hold on to those conceive and plan steps. And those conceive and plan steps are the bulk of our mental load. They are taking space in your brain to such an extent that you really have not delegated.

[00:13:21] Those tasks are still yours. They are with you. And to fully delegate, you need to hand those over to someone else. an example is meal planning. I usually do the meal planning in my house. I just write out on our weekly calendar what dinners we’re having. And then I tell my husband what ingredients we need and he does our shopping.

[00:13:41] But for the past two weekends, I’ve been pretty busy with some work events that have been going on. So he’s been doing the meal planning. Now, my meal planning, when I conceive and plan it, I’m like looking at recipes and I’ll write on the board, it’ll be like crock pot chicken chili and green chili enchiladas and margarita chicken, all of these delicious sounding things.

[00:14:06] That’s how I meal plan, or my husband meal plans. And this is how it is right now in my house if you go upstairs. Our meal board reads, Chili, Steak, Pork, Chicken. That’s it. That’s it. That is how he meal plans. He meal plans. Just by protein. Just by proteins on that board. That’s it. That is what he shopped for.

[00:14:34] And then he buys, packs of veggies that, the steamer’s packs that we could put in the microwave. And usually I, like, cook some rice or some, some carb or, like, a piece of bread or a sourdough bread or whatever. They’re very simple meals. We have salsas. We have sauces that we put on it. Um, like, sprinkle some cheese.

[00:14:50] But it’s very different than how I would meal plan. And since I delegated that task to him. That is how he chose to do it even though it is different from my own. So when you delegate, make sure you give over the task fully. And here’s another thing about delegating. You need to give people time to adapt because I hear a lot that, Oh, I delegated this chore, but then they’re coming back at me with all of these questions and they’re throwing it to me again and I have to do these things.

[00:15:21] And so it’s just easier. And in fact, that would be easier to do it yourself, but you need to put in that time for adaptation. Basically, we don’t know how to fully teach something or fully explain something so that someone else would understand without feedback. the reason I’m able to conquer these things is because I’ve received a lot of feedback from people on this topic before.

[00:15:49] So it’s the same with chores. If somebody, for instance, comes to you in your house. I’m going to use my son as an example with the dishes say the first time he loaded the dishwasher, like he left a lot of things on the counter. If I took that and I took those things on the counter and I load it into the dishwasher, I would still be doing that task.

[00:16:12] I would be doing part of the execution. But instead, if I see it as, Oh, he doesn’t know that these Things need to go in the dishwasher too. That is a conversation I have then with my son. I’m like, Hey buddy, like those things, can you fit those into, I bet there’s a space for them somewhere. My son responds, I can’t fit them in.

[00:16:32] There’s no room. I’m like, cool. Okay, great. I’m just going to walk over here and you know, when they’re all in, then we’re going to go to school. And I walk away and usually he calms down and he puts them in and he closes the dishwasher and he gets the dishwasher running. And it was just one of those steps on the path to teaching and delegating the chore.

[00:16:54] So if you have something like that right now and the person’s coming back to you with questions, they’re valid questions, they just don’t know how to do it yet. So that just tells you that, Oh, this is the process that I have to teach. And if they come back to you. Because here’s another thing that happens.

[00:17:09] Say you write down all the laundry instructions on the door. And they don’t read them. And they just come to you and they ask you the question about how to do the laundry every single time. Please don’t explain it to them. You have a process for this. It’s written on the back of the door. You could say, I wrote that on the back of the door.

[00:17:29] Go look there. hopefully after a few times of that, sticking with it, they will just look on the back of the door, and they will not ask you those questions any longer. But, put in that time for the adaptation. That brings us to our last one plan for discomfort. When you start eliminating things off your to do list and when you start delegating and when you start only focusing on those things that you value and letting some other things fall, balls are going to drop, they’re going to drop, and you’re going to feel at first a little twitchy, a little uncomfortable.

[00:18:05] Know that that’s all normal. one thing that I have delegated in my house is the trash. And my husband does that. And sometimes when the trash isn’t done, it starts piling on top of the counter. And I leave it. I don’t take that trash out. I see that trash and I’m like, uh, uh. And then I have a discussion with my husband hey, just to be clear.

[00:18:31] That’s your job, right? This is a discussion I just had a few days ago. And he’s like, yeah, that’s my job. That’s understandable. That’s my job. And he went and he did it. But, sometimes those tough conversations are the things that we don’t want to have. It’s easier to do the tasks ourselves than to hold other people accountable to them.

[00:18:52] I’m going to say that again. It is easier to do the tasks ourselves than to hold other people accountable for them. But if we never hold other people accountable, we’re going to be doing that task for the rest of our lives. And I don’t want that for you. You have way too much to share with the world. You have way too much that you want to accomplish that it is time that you got to focus on the things that matter to you and let other people take care of the rest.

[00:19:22] So going through that discomfort is a normal. And another part of it is dealing with that mindset around the discomfort because you hear that word consistency. Do you ever tell yourself I’m not a consistent person? I’m really bad with consistency, right? You’re not alone with that and I have a freebie for you.

[00:19:46] It is a link right below this video and it’s going to help you with the mindset, especially if you are a parent. It is the lies we tell ourself about consistency as a parent and some of the things in there I hope will be light bulbs as of things that you can do differently and things that are going to help you through this process of letting go.

[00:20:07] Eliminating things and ultimately being able to do what you enjoy more. [00:20:13] The best mom’s a happy mom. The best person is a happy person. You deserve to spend the time on the things that you want to spend time on. And I’ll see you later.