From Discipline to Dialogue: Dr. Robyn Silverman on Modern Parenting Transcript

Please note: Transcripts were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn: Welcome to the no guilt mom podcast. I am your host, JoAnn Crone, joined by the lovely and wonderful Bre Tucker.

Brie Tucker: Well, hello, hello, everybody. How are you?

JoAnn Crohn: We have such the episode today because we talk a lot and no guilt mom about how we as moms want to feel. More worthy and we tell our moms in our community, you are doing so much, you are worth more than this. And so when I read this guest book and found this chapter, I was super excited.

Brie Tucker: And who did we talk to?

JoAnn Crohn: It’s the anticipation.

Brie Tucker: Patient. I knew what you’re doing.

JoAnn Crohn: We’re talking to Dr. Robyn Silverman. She is a child and teen development specialist and her national bestselling book is how to talk to kids about anything. And she’s the host of the podcast of the same name. She provides parents and educators with tips, scripts, stories, and steps to make even the toughest conversation with kids.

easier. And we hope you enjoy our conversation with Robyn. Welcome to the podcast, Robyn. We are so excited to have you here and talk about your book, which is on the USA Today list for a bestseller.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Thank you for that. It is. I’m, so excited and it’s still weird to hear it, from people who are interviewing me, like, bestselling author, Dr. Robyn Silverman. I’m like, Oh my gosh, that’s me. Yeah, no, it’s been really exciting. And the response has been amazing.

It’s just exciting that people actually want to read your book and are spreading the word. So yay. Yes.

JoAnn Crohn: And that stays with you forever. That’s an Instagram bio thing, for the

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Oh, I

JoAnn Crohn: Oh, it’s an

Dr. Robyn Silverman: I changed it. moment one. I think I need to see it. I needed to see it in print. there it is. yes, that’s my bio.

JoAnn Crohn: that’s your bio.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: it’s beyond excited. and then also on it’s to realize then that yes, people are reading it and that’s really exciting for me, but it’s also so exciting for the kids the fact that people are reading it. And responding to it and sharing it, that means that the kids get what they need and that is the best news of all.

JoAnn Crohn: They totally do. And it really goes into what I want to discuss with you. This discussion about identity.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Mm hmm.

JoAnn Crohn: you saying I am a best selling author is so different than what you talk about in your book about what you used to say to

yourself about. I am stupid. Tell us about that story.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: it’s funny because people, I think they think you’re born with confidence and poise and no. I was so the awkward fifth grader. I put up a picture of me in fifth grade yesterday when I was presenting.

And it’s like, Oh God, you know, you’re Oh, okay. I see what’s going on here. bullied mercilessly in fifth grade. My brothers were always naturally smart, the kind of annoying siblings

Brie Tucker: I had that.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: I don’t need to study, it just seemed, and, or that was completely my perception, but it definitely seems like my brother would go, my middle brother would go into his room, come back.

Out a half an hour later, and it’s like, I’m done going to bed. And you’re okay, I’m up until 2 a. m. I thought I was stupid. And the, I am statement I find to be so important. It’s I am stupid. I am ugly. I am lazy. I’m disorganized. All those things that we say about ourselves.

We say often in our head, sometimes we say it out loud and our ears hear it and then it gets reinforced. But also there’s a feedback loop I talk about in my book where if we keep walking into a room wearing that cloak of I am, I am disorganized, I am lazy, I am ugly, all those things, other people perceive it.

Other people reinforce it. Oh, she’s clearly lazy. Oh, she’s clearly disorganized. She’s a mess. And then it gets stronger and stronger at some point, the adult. The key adult in your life, or several, I hope, has to break it somewhere along the line.

JoAnn Crohn: Yes. And it’s so hard to break it, especially in kids, because a lot of times those I am really lurk underneath the surface and we’re not able to see them very easily. but we see it in their actions, how they react to being asked to unload the dishwasher. And it’s totally overblown a stomp down the hall.

And you’re like, what?

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Yes. Yes. Clearly, I’m not. I picked the wrong person, although I have to say my husband is so much better at the dishwasher than I am, and he almost is now, he’s are you really do you actually believe that you’re not good at the dishwasher and that’s why you’re leaving it for me?

And I’m like, listen, you switch everything around after I put stuff in. So why should I even bother with it? You’re clearly the king of the dishwasher. I am not. So I’m going to leave that. For you, the expert, with the dishwasher, but in fifth grade, I was bullied and I was ostracized from my class and that really left an indelible mark, I would say a hole and the book is what fills it.

For me, it’s a love letter to my younger self and all other kids who have been in a position not just with bullying or toxic friendships, which certainly was my deal, but with all kinds of things, whether it was failure or body image issues or self esteem issues, like you’re mentioning from that chapter.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. And I feel like you were able to stick it to all those people in your book too. This is me writing nerd coming out because you say specifically, they could spell both the easy and hard words for their spelling quizzes on the first try. I could not. And then you go into the next sentence, extrapolating from my everyday perceived mediocrities.

Brie Tucker: Okay.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: That. 

Is. Hilarious. I did not pick up on that. And that is hilarious. We joke in my family, they’re like, Robyn, this book is very big, yes, I am verbose. And only somebody who is verbose would actually use that word because. I yes, I now have a voice and I now speak out and I use lots of different words.

I had the secret is that I had a writing coach who would read my chapters after I would write them cause they would be 80 pages of this and she just slashed things. That was her job was just slash, slash, slash, slash. Save this for an article. Move this to a different chapter. You already said this.

and sometimes you need that. So I am verbose and sometimes I need a little help to just reel that in. And I did. And now I’m really very proud of the book.

JoAnn Crohn: It’s an amazing, amazing book. and talking more about the identity, you have a story in there about your husband’s grandfather and how, when you say I am, what it exactly means.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Yeah. So my, my husband’s grandfather was hilarious person. he would come out with some very funny things. I still remember him saying something like, Oh, who can make my. grandmother would be like, Hey, Jack, you gotta get off your ass. He’s like, well, I’ve got an ass and I’m going to use it. it just would be going back and forth.

So at one point he was like, I’m so old, and of course his wife of gazillion years, they were together for 75 years or whatever. She said, it’s been is do best, which means Where I am is you are which the idea is what you explained to me she would bake and we would sit and she would talk to me about all kinds of things.

She’s basically saying that whatever is attached to the backside of I am is what you become. And thought it was such a really interesting way of putting things that statement so little. Can have such power. It’s a declaration of your identity. So if you keep repeating the I am old in this case, or I am ugly, or I’m not enough, which we hear a lot in different ways, and people put all different words in for that, whatever they find to be not enough, then that gets reinforced.

But if you put something that propels you forward. And I am motivated and I am organized and I am a noticer which we say to my son who just notices all these little things. Then that becomes what is your truth and that becomes reinforced by other people who are with you.

JoAnn Crohn: Yes.

Brie Tucker: true. Okay.

JoAnn Crohn: it’s so hard,cause I was reading your chapter about everything to do with kids and how to reinforce that in kids. And I realized I see the same thing in our generation too. how I wish we would have been raised with the same. suggestions to point out specific points of our character and reinforce our character versus what the self esteem movement really was in the 90s, where it was like, you’re amazing.

Here’s a ribbon

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Yes.

JoAnn Crohn: and we’re all here. It feels hollow. Yeah.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Yeah, it’s, it is important for it to be realistic and an actual reflection of the child’s goals or the person’s goals. because I, when I’m presenting to parents and educators, often they tell me that this is information, just you were saying, that helps them. Everything I do works on levels.

It’s what you take in for yourself, what you take in for your partner or the business partners, people you work with, and then how those people can then go on and work with kids or you’re working with kids on these types of topics. I’ll say we need to repackage something. I was speaking to educators yesterday and they deal with a lot of kids who have different types of neurodiversity, and they feel they’re not enough in all different ways because the world is made for people who are typically developing.

And so what do you do with a kid who’s constantly telling them, I’m not as good as, you know, all of that, comparing themselves. And of course they’re doing the same thing. people give all kinds of negative, descriptions for what they see. So I am bossy and I am shy, or the parent who’s Oh, he’s real shy.

don’t mind him. And I said, let’s repackage this. I am bossy moves to, I am assertive and assertiveness is really complimentary. And I am shy might be more I am. I am somebody who takes in my surroundings before jumping in. I really to look before I jump, which is admirable.

My son has ADHD and I say, you know how you notice everything. You’re the finder of all lost things. if somebody lost their keys, you’re the first one to jump up. You show me the sunset. You show me the moss on the ground. That is amazing. You’re a noticer. And the same way that you notice things.

JoAnn Crohn: And that’s amazing. In school, sometimes you notice things. He’s Oh, why did I notice things when people are talking? And then he’s Oh, now I get it. It’s a superpower in that way. It’s so funny because as soon as you said he’s a noticer, the first thing that popped in my mind, I was I wonder if he has ADHD because I have ADHD. My family has ADHD and that is a superpower trait of it. because you get so distracted because you notice all the little things in the world, but you can use that.

To your benefit, I really want to dig into the bossy comment and we’re going to do that right after we take a short break. So you mentioned something about repackaging bossy and that is a word that I takes a specific thing against because Bossy, I think is used against all Assertive girls to quiet them down.

Brie Tucker: It is. It’s a very gender loaded statement because you don’t hear bossy used to describe boys. You really don’t. It really is particular to women.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: yeah, 

JoAnn Crohn: even When I talk about it with friends of girls, one friend, who is a woman, she said that, Oh, but she is being bossy. She’s railroading over everybody’s comments. And I’m like, hold on, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, let’s reexamine this one a little bit. So my question for you is that when we see these comments and when we see our kids identifying themselves as these things.

And we do jump in and be like, Oh no, that’s assertive. What do we do when they turn back at us and they’re like, no mom, you don’t know what it is. No mom. I am. I am this way. How do we deal with that?

Dr. Robyn Silverman: So I feel like we need to unload it a little bit. The bossy and all of those types of comments about people that sum them up in one word can be destructive. First of all, it can make it so you don’t have to do anything about it. I am bossy on them, then I’m done. Now, there’s nothing you can do about it.

but it also. You know, as I mentioned, it’s you wear it a cloak and everything that you do, you walk into that is how you have to be, because that’s what it’s expected of you. and people think of you that way, so they’re already going to pre regard you as that before you even start talking.

Let’s unpack all of these terms that we say to people, what, we were saying with shy, this person likes to notice things and they like to take everything in before jumping in. This is more descriptive of what actually is going on. In the same way, when you’re talking about somebody who’s bossy, they may be assertive.

And they may need some help with their social skills, and that’s okay, because we can do something about the latter part, the early, if we just say you’re bossy, you, that now we’re done. Right? So can we say, I really like that you’re able to communicate, your feelings and your thoughts and what you would love to do next.

I think being assertive about. What you want is very important skill. Sometimes we have to watch the tone of the way we say that. So let’s practice the tone of what the way we say that and maybe even the way that it’s packaged. can we ask a question. Can we give people choices? These are now social skills we’re working on.

So if somebody walks into a situation and they, there’s a child who wants to play hide and seek, or they really don’t like playing tag and they’re not in the right shoes and they’re like, why do I want to play hide and seek? Seek might sound bossy, but if you’re teaching that child to come over and be like, Hey, I would love to play with you.

Do you think we can either play hide and seek or we can go on the swings how do you take that in? Or if they say, well, we’re playing tag. Oh, well after you’re playing tag, I’m really not in the best shoes. Would it be okay if we did this? Now you’re teaching them a social skill, but they’re still getting what they want.

So unpack the term, get descriptive, and then you can help your child as well as yourself.

Brie Tucker: I love that. I

JoAnn Crohn: I, this idea about unpackaging them, unpackaging, their innate strengths versus the social skills they need to learn. that is mind blowing to me because it describes something that I saw in my own childhood where with my dad, who was completely well meaning and very concerned about me.

I would tell him when in social events, I’m like, dad, I’m shy. I can’t go up there. I can’t go up there. And I obviously, he did not have this research behind him. So no fault to him for saying this, but he’s like, JoAnn, everyone’s going to think you’re a snob. You’re not going to go talk to

them.And looking back at that situation now, I see it was really two separate things.

It was that I was evaluating the circuit, the like area, the environment, and I really needed some social skills onto how to approach people the right way and how to start conversations without feeling that I’d get rejected

Dr. Robyn Silverman: I think it’s awesome that you’re figuring this out. And what a beautiful way of saying it because people are hearing it right now and they’re like, thank you for just summing up exactly what I need to do in the book. I have a section on, six ways to enter a group. I have you know, how to start, these types of relationships.

But if I had been back then and talking to your dad at a party and, I happened to be there and he’s what would you do in this situation? I’ve been trying to help you to find one person in that room that you felt looked approachable. Or I would have backtracked it knowing that you were going to be going to that party and seeing if there was somebody that you could meet before, which is something that I recommend for new schools.

When you move into new situations, we moved to a totally different state. That was something that I did with my own kids where you meet one. person an easy setting, a neutral setting. We were at a coffee shop and allow them to get to know each other in a quiet way because my kids aren’t necessarily the ones who are gonna boom through the door.

They and my son is certainly more quiet. So, you can help in those types of ways. And I think when you’re saying, unpack those kinds of things, lot of people weren’t parented in this way. And again, it’s no fault of your dad or my mom or anybody who was in this situation. They didn’t even have a template for any of this stuff.

But sometimes we do need to reparent ourselves in that way.

Brie Tucker: I feel like when our parents were parenting us, that was the age of just throw them in the deep end.

Like, oh, you need to learn how to dive? I’m going to push you off the high dive, and

Dr. Robyn Silverman: You’ll be 

fine. 

Brie Tucker: fine.

That, I feel like that was the, it was the age of just throw you in the deep end and they’ll figure it out.

And we have learned so much now.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Yes. And in some ways they did things really well, but I know we’re like, we’re the, in the eighties, just stuff your feelings down into your right foot, put a smile on your face, wash your face, go out, do your thing. And I’m come back when the lights go on. And that’s that

Brie Tucker: growing up in that age. It’s like, Oh, you’re in third grade. you can turn a deadlock. Okay, great. Then you know what? You just stay home. It’s all good. You just get yourself

on the bus, get yourself pressed. 

Dr. Robyn Silverman: I’m going shopping, 

going out with my 

Brie Tucker: We’ll be back on Saturday. It’s all good.

There’s there’s frozen. There’s frozen pizza and hot pockets in that

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Yeah, it’s right. You’re

totally good. 

JoAnn Crohn: my kids would kill for frozen pizza and hot pockets in the freezer all the

time. I 

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Pop popcorn. You just put it right on the stove.

Brie Tucker: a latchkey kid. I, my, my parents would be home in the morning. I’d be like, I’m going to have ice cream for breakfast and it’s healthy because it has dairy.

JoAnn Crohn: it’s

Dr. Robyn Silverman: that’s thinking that’s using your noggin. Yes.

JoAnn Crohn: It’s so true. Well, it’s funny, something that I see that’s sums up this whole parenting from the 90s is people who justify their responses to their kids, such as like, Oh, my parents yelled at me and I turned 

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Oh yeah. You’re like, did you? Did you 

JoAnn Crohn: so are you fine?

Are you 

okay? Like, let’s talk about this a little bit.

It’s so good. 

 let’s talk about the spanking, how you just lived in fear. the whole day could not think of anything else knowing that you would get a spanking when you got home.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Just

 the shame that was attached to it, but they, I do not fault them for it. It’s just that they didn’t have this research that says that it’s damaging and they didn’t have, this is what the template was, that this is what their parents did. This is the tool that they were given for discipline.

Now we know differently, but it’s still for many people, very hard to switch because that’s what they know. and they’re still, a lot of people are still nervous because they feel if I do these other ways, or is my kid going to be, come out to, you know, lackadaisical or, they’re just going to ignore me.

And hard to change, it’s hard to change, especially when you think this is what worked for me and I’m a successful person.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, 

what I see in my own parenting, cause I raised my kids to be very aware of their feelings. Cause I’ve gone through anxiety. I have, I’ve been diagnosed with severe anxiety, all those things of stuffing feelings down. And, my kids also have anxiety, but. I see a real good introspection happening in them where they can step back after the situation after, their downstairs brain goes wild and it’s flinging things from the corner and they’re like, yeah, this upset me.

And here’s why it upset me. so equipping kids with those, that emotional vocabulary, equipping kids with knowing their strengths. I think it just powers them forward for the future. And I love your book, Robyn, because you have so many things you can say to your kids, because that’s often where we get in trouble.

We’re like, I have no idea how to handle this 

Brie Tucker: that, yeah, you guys were just saying, our parents didn’t know it. So they didn’t practice it on us. So we’re not, we don’t have those experiences that we can reflect back on and be like, well, this really worked well.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Mhm.

Brie Tucker: So a lot of times, we know the concepts are there, but we just don’t even know how to use them.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Yes. I think you’re right. I could just remember my, my mom handing me tissue after tissue when I’d be crying about the bullying situation, not knowing what to say. The teachers didn’t know what to say. And, going into, you know, the sex conversation, my mom handed me a book, She was like, do you have any questions? I’m like, no. and the, you know, the, just. All the different things that you think could have been talking about. We just did it. So now I’m very purposeful about it, making sure and all the conversations in here. I made sure I was having as well, whether it was about money or about friendship or bullying or,death, which You know, is the one that happens very much over a period of time.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: a lot of parents think if they say something, the child is automatically going to be starting to think in these certain ways. Oh, my mom talked to me about sex and I’m going to go have it. my mom just talked to me about suicide and now I’m Oh, now I’m thinking about it.

it actually is the opposite of what happens because the research tells us that when parents do talk about all these things, Kids. are much less likely to engage in risky behavior. So that’s what we want. And the research also says that kids want to talk to their parents about it because they want the trusted information from somebody who’s not going to make fun of them, not going to give them the wrong information.

And if we don’t, Then you’re leaving it to somebody else. The kid in the back of the bus, the Tik Tok influencer that maybe not having your best interest in mind, we got to do it.

JoAnn Crohn: Exactly. I’m excited to hear, Robyn, what is coming up for you that you are excited about? And we’re gonna get your answer right after this break.

So Robyn, what is coming up for you that you’re really excited about?

Dr. Robyn Silverman: right now. I’ve been touring for my book. So that has been super exciting. And I have on November 2nd, I have one up in my old haunts where I was from in New Jersey. So I am going to be seeing so many people that I haven’t seen in so long. I’ve started getting messages from all kinds of people.

So it’s at this place called Words Bookstore in Maplewood, New Jersey, and super cute. I actually was there, Four or five years ago when Debbie Reber’s book, Differently Wired, came out and I was her in conversation partner and now she’s mine.

So 

JoAnn Crohn: is so exciting.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: it’s just super flipped in, flip the tables.

And so now I’m going to be seeing all these great people and Debbie Reber and doing it at this amazing bookstore. Maplewood super cute with all kinds of shops and stuff. So I’m really looking forward to it. for so many reasons.

But I’m touring all over. It’s so much fun. I’m having the best time seeing people who are like, I read your book and they’re holding it.

I’m Oh my gosh, you actually have my book. You’re holding my book. You read my book. And they’re like underlining and highlighting things. Or they’re like, Hey, I use something you wrote in here. And I’m that’s so cool. Let me just,

JoAnn Crohn: That’s amazing. the response though, because you’re it 

exists in your brain. And when you see it out in people’s hands and you’re like, wait, wait, you like this? This

Dr. Robyn Silverman: you

 I wrote that and I was in the chair behind me in my pajamas with the hair on top of my head and I’m writing and I’m why am I doing this is so hard you know because so you get writer’s block sometimes and you just you start to doubt yourself and then you push through.

As you do and you get done and then all of a sudden it’s out in the world it’s amazing experience and it’s been really fun meeting people who’ve been following me and reading my

JoAnn Crohn: Well, I’m going to keep that town of Maplewood in the back of my mind, because that sounds like a town I 

want to visit, like full of

Eastern 

charm. 

Brie Tucker: we don’t. We don’t have that out here in Arizona. I’m starting to feel like, man, whenever we talk to y’all from the East Coast, I’m like, oh, it’s so neat. I love the fact

too that it’s all, and it’s all close. I 

Yes. Yes. You have to come visit us in North Carolina too. right now I’m here, there, and everywhere, but there’s a lot of really cute places all over the place now, down in, in this part too. I have family in North Carolina. I need to go out there and go visit them. 

Dr. Robyn Silverman: then, clearly we’re having coffee. 

I’ll be excited for you to come. We’ll hang out. We’ll have

Brie Tucker: yes. 

JoAnn Crohn: Robyn, it’s been so good talking to you. Thank you for coming on the podcast and, everybody go and get Robyn’s book, How to Talk to Kids About Anything.

Dr. Robyn Silverman: Thank you so much.

JoAnn Crohn: So after our conversation with Robyn, after we stopped recording, we were on for a good, what, 45

minutes 

60 minutes with her talking 

Brie Tucker: like 

JoAnn Crohn: the 

things. It 

Brie Tucker: like 

the best friend that you didn’t know you had she’s right there and oh my gosh I wish that we lived, you know a little bit closer than three three time zones away Just gonna

JoAnn Crohn: All the east side towns though, she was talking about, I really want to go treeline streets. And I imagine drinking a cup of cappuccino with these cute little bookstores. 

And it sounds 

very 

Brie Tucker: girls in my head. 

JoAnn Crohn: Gilmore Girls was actually filmed in Burbank. I was on the set when I worked at Warner Brothers and yeah, so it’s all Burbank.

It’s California,

Brie Tucker: it has

that east Well, obviously it does because it’s supposed to be based in the east coast and it’s funny because having grown up in the midwest we have that kind of look we at living, especially at going to smaller towns where I went to college. We have that look the West Southwestern United States where we’re at very, very different, very hard to conceptualize unless you’ve been here and it’s gorgeous, but it’s completely different, whole different country.

It feels 

JoAnn Crohn: It is. Yeah. block buildings and nothing’s older than 19, 20.

Brie Tucker: all the rocks, it’s 

rocks,

it’s not a lot of green, it, again, being in the desert southwest, but, sunsets here. the 

JoAnn Crohn: It is. It is gorgeous. 

Brie Tucker: the leaves changing on the east coast.

JoAnn Crohn: Totally.

Brie Tucker: digress. Robyn, new bestie.

JoAnn Crohn: New bestie. It’s so funny because I have work being done on my basement right now. And right before we were about to get on, they were sawing through walls. sawing through walls. And my, my office is right next to the basement. So I heard the, errrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

And I’m thinking, I’m this is not going to work. I actually had to kick out the plumber from my house.

Brie Tucker: we talked about in the episode, way to be assertive.

JoAnn Crohn: I was like, so Steve. Steve it is. And I 

initially just asked him if he could do something quieter while

Brie Tucker: he did. He’s I do got something really quiet.

JoAnn Crohn: I can get out and go to this other job. I’m like, cool. I’m down with 

that, Steve. Thank you so much.

Brie Tucker: back later. It works for everybody. 

And it was assertive, not bossy. And

JoAnn Crohn: It was. 

I was assertive. Well, I was thinking, I was actually reading a chapter in her book about, you’re being you’re worthy. And she talks specifically about how our kids can get into these whiny behaviors where they like stomp around and they’re passive aggressive.

And honestly, I used to get into those behaviors as well, but she says with kids specifically stopping it and not seeing it as them needing attention as a bad thing, but seeing it as okay, they need to ask for this attention instead of having it displayed in this way. That’s making everybody mad. So the script she says is.

you are worth it. you’re worth asking this question of me. ask me to spend time with you. Ask me for what you need. Your needs are worthwhile to me and And so I was reading that and I heard that and I’m my needs are worthwhile. That’s what I went over and talked to him about doing something quieter.

Brie Tucker: I love that.

JoAnn Crohn: So her book helps her in that. Specific situation

Brie Tucker: So if you haven’t gone to grab her book, the

JoAnn Crohn: Yes. Go grab.

Brie Tucker: link in the show notes here. Get 

her book. It is 

JoAnn Crohn: And, And, remember the best mom’s a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.Brie Tucker: Thanks for stopping by.