Podcast Episode 269: Don’t Plan Alone: 4 Tips to Not Lose Your Cool or Get a Killer Migraine Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

Brie Tucker: sometimes we have a perfect idea in our head and we don’t want to let go of that, but sometimes it’s not even perfect. you think that you’re going with the flow, but you still have these conceptions in your head of what is still allowed with the, going with the flow. And because of that, you’re still not open to that collective thinking. You’re still not open to other people bringing in their ideas necessarily, because even though you think, Oh, it doesn’t need to be perfect. We just need to eat together once. it has turned into way more than that.

JoAnn Crohn: Welcome to the NoGuiltMom podcast. I’m your host JoAnn Crohn joined here by the lovely Brie Tucker

Brie Tucker: why? Hello? Hello, everybody. How are you?

JoAnn Crohn: Brie and I are doing something different today on the podcast where we have started a No Guilt Mom podcast Facebook group.

We have so many people joining us here live for this podcast recording. I’m going to shout them out because it is our very first live broadcast free. So I’m just going to shout out the people who have commented already and who are listening to this live in our Facebook group. We have Brittany, we have Marie, Chris, we have Alyssa listening live.

We have Rachel and we have Tanya and. Beth. so thank you guys all please. If you want to catch an episode live, you could just go to our no goat mom Facebook group and we put the link right down in the show notes.

Brie Tucker: Yes, we sure do.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. So, so this was a live episode. Brie and I were like, right before we’re like, okay, well, what are we going to talk about? And you brought up such a good story about what happened this

Brie Tucker: Yes. Okay. So little behind the scenes for people, sometimes we have our schedule planned out quite a bit. Other times we just kind of go with like, what is it that we want to talk about? And when we were planning today’s episode, I’m like, well, I had an interesting weekend, uh, with my, with my family, my, middle nephew graduated from college.

So way to go, Logan. he graduated from college and. my oldest sister, his mom, like, coordinated for a bunch of us to go up to, Flagstaff for his graduation this weekend. And that also included both sets of grandparents. So my parents came, as did her husband’s parents, too. They flew in from the Midwest for his graduation.

JoAnn Crohn: family was

Brie Tucker: Yes. And about two days before we were all supposed to go up, my sister calls me in a panic and is like, I just realized that I didn’t book a single place for us to go eat at all. And finding a place where we can have a party of like 12 is going to be really hard in this small town that he’s graduating in.

And I’m like, well, it’s no big deal. Don’t worry about it. Like we find a place. We don’t find a place. We can go to a park and order KFC and whatever. she’s like, okay, all right, all right. And then like 10 minutes later I get a text that they had organized like a place for dinner the first night. And the point of that story is that my sister pretty much lost her shit the rest of the weekend because girl was trying to coordinate everything. She was trying to coordinate everything and she kept giving herself shit. For not doing it right, for not, like, doing it how she had it, I think, planned in her head, or how she thought we were expecting the weekend to go, and it was just hard.

It was really hard. Like, I tried to help her. And I can even share, like, a little bit later, there was a story where I tried to help her, and I was able to help a little bit, and then she took it back! Like, she, do do

JoAnn Crohn: we’re, we’re talking today about how, when you’re planning a situation and you have it all in your head and nobody else can possibly step in and how to prevent that from happening from your standpoint so that you’re not stressed and also how it looks from an outside observer who’s just trying to help.

So let’s get on with the show. I’ve been in those situations too, where I have had everything in my head and I’ve found it really hard to let other people help with it because I don’t know the steps. I don’t know the plans. I haven’t delegated anything.

Like everything is like, I have to be involved with every single little bit of minutiae else. It will go completely out of control. And I’ve seen that most frequently. And when I went from running no guilt, mom, as like a single To like bringing you on and bringing Christina on where there’s frequent times where you’re like, okay, let’s, let’s hear what’s in your head now.

So we can get everything out and put it on paper because it’s really a common trouble, especially I think for us women who feel like we have to do everything perfectly else, we’ll be criticized in a certain way. Like everything will fall back to

Brie Tucker: because it, it kind of does though, doesn’t it? Like, like, what are those things that we like the memes and the sayings of like, Oh, my kids are going to be talking about this in therapy in 20 years. Right? Like it so much of it comes back to like, even the joke is like your mom screwing you up. just so Oh So, yeah, we have a lot on our shoulders. We feel like everything is, is on us so often. And when you’re trying to do a million things, it’s just, it can be hard to figure out how to pause, stop and let other people in, I guess.

JoAnn Crohn: can’t, and it’s actually a skill that none of us were taught because if we saw all of our moms like running around like crazy, handling everything, and we probably saw the passive aggressive comments to being like, Oh, the men don’t ever help with anything again. We have to do everything ourselves.

And you internalize that you, and so like, if you don’t know how to delegate and if you don’t know what that looks like. How do you expect to do it? You can’t. Because I’m like, sure, Brie, like, in your family, I’m pretty sure that your mom was probably doing everything.

Brie Tucker: Yeah. 100%. And matter of fact, like when I was talking to my sister this weekend, when she was freaking out about everything, I’m all like, okay, let’s be honest. The only person that probably has that expectation is mom. It’s okay.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah.

Brie Tucker: It’s like, and we can talk to mom or mom can see how stressed out you are and she’ll let go of that expectation. But I mean, right? Like you’re, yeah. Our moms like had to do it all with a smile,

JoAnn Crohn: With a smile. Yeah. And having to appreciate all the little moments and all the little things. So let’s talk about how to get this off of our plate so that our vision is actually done without us stressing out and losing our shit on everyone. Because nobody

Brie Tucker: Cause I

JoAnn Crohn: Nobody wants

Brie Tucker: that’s a good goal in life. Not lose your shiznit every time that there is a big thing going on and sometimes it’s a

JoAnn Crohn: I will not, yeah, I will not lose my shit today. I will not lose my, but that’s not just a matter of will. I really want to pause there and be like, it is not a matter of willpower because there is no such thing as willpower. We talk a lot about the body budget. And when you get to a certain amount of things that you have had to hold your tongue on, or like with someone. Stand or just like general noise that your kids are making. you’re going to blow and you are going to lose it. And it’s totally like, it’s, it’s almost expected and normal.

Brie Tucker: even if you don’t blow, like, so another example, my poor sister, I love you dearly, girl, and I, and if you end up listening to this podcast episode, you’re gonna be like, Bri, what the hell? But,

JoAnn Crohn: What the hell?

Brie Tucker: like,

JoAnn Crohn: after me too. JoAnn. What the

Brie Tucker: I know, right? Because we were both like, this is great material. So, the other thing I’d like to point out is that, So not only can you blow, the blow came later, the blow came Saturday night. But Saturday during the day, ask me where my sister was after the graduation was done.

JoAnn Crohn: I, I don’t

Brie Tucker: She was,

JoAnn Crohn: TGI Fridays? No, I don’t know.

Brie Tucker: was in bed with a killer migraine.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh,

Brie Tucker: herself a migraine, so stressed out about just getting to the graduation that morning and then getting out of the graduation, like how to Her words were how to extract the elders from the, from the graduation ceremony.

JoAnn Crohn: Been there. Totally

Brie Tucker: So like you either, you either, like you just said, you’re either pushing, Your body budget to the max and you end up making yourself sick, which takes this great event or thing you were trying to do. And I feel like kind of ruins it for you. You can’t really enjoy it or 2, you don’t hold it all in and make yourself sick and you blow up everywhere. And then, oh, guess what? You’re still not enjoying the great event that you were trying to do.

JoAnn Crohn: Exactly. So we are going to give you some tips and some strategies to actually have a good time and make a fantastic experience for everyone right after this. So let’s talk about and get into some strategies about how to actually Have your vision come to fruition without giving yourself a killer migraine. Uh, and the first thing that we recommend you doing is get everything out of your head. Get it out of your head.

Brie Tucker: Get it out of your head.

JoAnn Crohn: swimming right now.

Brie Tucker: Yeah, like, I, like,

JoAnn Crohn: brain tornadoes.

Brie Tucker: note was like, get everything out of your head and get it on paper, theoretically. So, paper might actually be paper. It might be a Google Notes. Like, Whatever it is, but extract it from there because the one place nobody can help you with. Is in your own head. That is the one

JoAnn Crohn: It is in your own head.

Brie Tucker: read what’s going on.

JoAnn Crohn: And sometimes, like, we make events so much more complicated in our own head, and when we’re forced to write them down, they automatically clarify themselves. Like, I know what you must be thinking, you might be thinking right now, you’re like, I have so much to do, I do not have time to write this down. And it is just going to be faster if I just go through these things and do it. And I swear to you,

Brie Tucker: It doesn’t work. We all get

JoAnn Crohn: doesn’t work.

Brie Tucker: all get stuck there thinking, like, I can do it so much faster. No.

JoAnn Crohn: No, because it’s always like 10, 000 more steps than you ever anticipated at first once you start writing it

Brie Tucker: And you can’t be in five places at once. Like, again, like, we’re, like, what we’re talking about is, like, when you’re trying to do something, plan something, plan something. Like, help execute something. There’s always going to be something that’s needed at more than one time. And, and you just can’t, you can’t duplicate yourself.

JoAnn Crohn: And there’s also things that other people can do better than you. , Mike drop right there. There, that is something that I had to really work with, like, especially as a leader, just realizing that I am not good at everything. Other people have these amazing talents where they could not only get through the task faster, but they could actually do it better.

Better than I could. So for example, um, our no guilt mom retreat just happened a few weeks ago and before I would have put off something. It was so much fun. I would have put off something like that because I am not like a little detail minded person, like, especially when it comes to decor or it comes to like making things look pretty.

I appreciate things so much when they’re pretty, but just like thinking how to make them pretty completely overwhelms me. me. And I feel like Brie, this is a strong suit of yours. Like you love going to the dollar store and you got so excited about those like little disco ball centerpieces with like the flowers and like everything in the middle. And they look so super

Brie Tucker: Well, shout out to Decadent Macaroon, my favorite coffee slash dessert shop. Like, they had them on their tables and I’m like, I want these, I need these. And, uh, and I think

JoAnn Crohn: you saw that in But you saw that inspiration and then you were able to take it and make it happen at the dollar store of all places. And like, that is just not a, it’s not a talent of mine. Like you do that so, so well. So when you list all those things that need to happen and you bring other people into your process, like it just ends up being like 10 times better than you could have ever done on your own ever.

Brie Tucker: Yeah. Because, like, it’s, it’s also about, like, letting go of some of that extra stress that you were trying to put on yourself.

JoAnn Crohn: Yes.

Brie Tucker: yeah. I don’t have another thing

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, well, it goes actually into our, our second tip, actually, you’re going right into our second tip, which is the plan with someone else and then make it clear what you are and are not doing,

Brie Tucker: I was going to say, like, how many people have made a plan? And made the mistake of not being clear on who was doing what.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh,

Brie Tucker: right, that happens to us after our team meetings all the time. Like, sometimes I’ll write notes and I don’t put enough notes so that I’m like, Oh, crap, what’s this mean? I don’t know who’s doing it. So, like, right? how many times have we done that before? Like, oh, I have a plan, but was that you? Was that me? You? Me? Me? You? Like, it’s like that scene from, like, SNL when they’re at the

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. You have to make, yeah.

Brie Tucker: Huh? Hmm? Mm hmm. Mm hmm. Mm

JoAnn Crohn: You have to make it completely clear. And this happens too in relationships. Like with me and my husband, I, I now know what I need to make clear that he needs to do. And sometimes like, this is something that we don’t do in relationships or in friendships because we don’t want to tell other people what to do.

Like, this is, Something I run into, and you have to tell me if you run into this too, but I have been termed bossy. Like that has been a label that has been put on me in the past. And that is in my self talk that I am bossy. I’m not bossy. I’m a boss by the way, but that is, that is how I reframe it.

because of that. I wasn’t making it clear about who does what because I didn’t want to be bossy. And what happened is that I then ended up taking on so much myself because no one else stepped up to take it over because they were waiting on direction from me. So it is a crazy, crazy thing that happens, but I can tell you, like, once you do it, your whole life opens up.

Like I just did it with my husband. This is it. week, because my daughter has a Stugo banquet this week and, my son does not want to go. And so every time he doesn’t want to go to an event, we call my husband’s dad and I’m like, okay, you’re in charge of this one. You are handling this one. This is not me at all. I am not contacting and just making it completely clear like that. And then bam, the task is his and it’s off my plate.

Brie Tucker: I think that that’s like 100 percent because that kind of goes back to what we were talking a few episodes back before Mother’s Day about like getting what you actually want for Mother’s Day because those gifts that are like, we’re going to go, or you’re going to go to the spa, but they don’t coordinate anything else.

Like who’s watching the kids who’s making the meal that day. Cause I’m going to be out and busy and doing stuff. It’s important to like figure out who is taking over what because that is the number one killer of all plans.

JoAnn Crohn: Yes, yeah, and that’s the one that’ll make you have the killer migraine and end up in bed for the rest of the day, is if something,

Brie Tucker: screaming at, okay, or screaming at your little sister because she mistakenly said that you bought pineapple candy when really you bought mango candy.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh, did you get screamed at for this weekend for that?

Brie Tucker: I did. And that’s when my sister went, you know what? Maybe I need to go back to bed. We were all like, I think we’re done tonight. We love you. Peace out We love you.

JoAnn Crohn: think you need to go take care of that migraine now.

Brie Tucker: You’re just spit. You’re done. You’re done.

JoAnn Crohn: You’re spent. Yes. You’re done. Yes. Well, we have two more tips for you on how to avoid that killer migraine from taking on everything yourself right after this, so we’ve already talked about planning with someone else and letting someone else help as well as making sure you just brain dump everything that you are thinking that you have to do.

and then the third tip that we have for you. Is letting go of perfection, which is hard. It’s hard because I think that’s the reason like a lot of us hold onto it ourselves. I was actually told that by my father in law once for, we were on. Yes. Okay. So this is the incident and this is how he, he kind of operates.

It was like, Oh, like 15 years ago. And they had a house on the lake in Minnesota and they had a boat docked right there on the house of the lake. And I was holding the keys, to the boat. And he takes the keys from me. And he’s like, Okay, I’m gonna take these keys from you because I don’t want to have to be mad at you later if you accidentally drop them in the lake.

And I’m like, Okay, But I think like, sometimes when we think of perfection, when we think of anxiety, we think of all the possible bad things can happen. And we try to like, protect those bad things from happening when they might not even happen in the first

Brie Tucker: Oh, wait. Do you mean like

JoAnn Crohn: That’s the point of that story.

Brie Tucker: like thinking about step 20 when you still got to do step one? That’s our joke

JoAnn Crohn: Yes,

Brie Tucker: at No Guilt Mom, is that Brie thinks about step 20 all the time. I haven’t figured out steps one through 19, but I’ve got a solution for step 20.

JoAnn Crohn: you know, you’re thinking of step 20 and usually I’m coming in and be like, I don’t think we need to think about that yet. Let’s just think about what’s in front of us right now and we can go from there. But when we’re striving for something and we ask for other people’s help in it. We’re actually maybe getting an even better product than we can produce ourselves.

Like Adam Grant and his book, hidden potential talks about harnessing the power of collective thinking. Because a lot of times people like don’t give their ideas. If they feel they’re going to be shut down right away. Like this is probably something that was in your situation this weekend, because your sister was probably shutting down a lot of ideas. Cause she had this exact idea in her head that wasn’t being shared amongst everybody.

Brie Tucker: Right. And I think that something that you said too, About the idea of perfection, like sometimes we, have a perfect idea in our head and we don’t want to let go of that, but sometimes it’s not even perfect. you think that you’re going with the flow, but you still have these conceptions in your head of what is still allowed with the, going with the flow. And because of that, you’re still not open to that collective thinking. You’re still not open to other people bringing in their ideas necessarily, because even though you think, Oh, it doesn’t need to be perfect. We just need to eat together once. it has turned into way more than that.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, no, here’s something cool about being in our no goat mom podcast. Facebook group is that during these ad breaks, which you can’t hear us during our ad breaks here on the recorded podcast, we’re actually reading all the comments on the episode and Marie, Chris, commented on one of the episodes. She has the thinking that I think a lot of us have, like when we’re trying to get other people to help, we want them.

To want to help, like we want them to want to step in. And I think that was my thinking as well. That was why I didn’t assign jobs or anything, because I just wanted them to be like, I’ll take that from you and I’ll do it exactly like you want it to be done. And yeah. And what I have learned is that that is not how people show up to want to help.

People actually are motivated by first, a sense of autonomy. So that they have. Direction that they have control over how they do a task. cause a lot of times when we think of giving out tasks, we think we have to have the entire plan for the task completely mapped out for that person. And we have to give them this like done for them document of how to do the task.

And that’s how you give out tasks. And that’s not, that’s not how you get the help actually. It’s so much simpler than that. It’s like. For example, for the retreat, when Brie and I were planning together, Brie just took over the decorations, and she’s like, I’m just making a lot of decisions, and you guys gotta be good with

Brie Tucker: Well, okay. Let me, let me preface that. Hold on. That was

JoAnn Crohn: But it was a good thing!

Brie Tucker: was a

JoAnn Crohn: It was a good thing! Yeah.

Brie Tucker: like, that was actually like, I love how you liked that, but that was also a big thing for Brie, because I really thrive on people saying, That’s good. Like I, that’s good. I don’t want to, I’m stopping. Yeah. I’m stopping short of saying good job.

So I hate doing like an event and not getting to share it with others and be like, what do you think of this? Is it this pretty? Cause I want to have people go, Oh my God, that’s so cute. That’s the bestest idea ever. so it was really hard for me to do that, but then I was like, okay, no, I’ve got to do this because they have 16 gazillion things they’re trying to do. And I also, honestly. Don’t have time to stop and wait for them to make

JoAnn Crohn: None of us do.

Brie Tucker: And like, and that’s part of this whole thing. Like when you’re trying, that’s why you think. It’s faster if I just do it all myself and I, and I do realize we’re giving an example of where I did do it myself, but

JoAnn Crohn: it wasn’t the whole event yourself. It was a portion of it. Then you were working with all of us in conjunction together.

Brie Tucker: yes, exactly.

JoAnn Crohn: that’s really, but that’s really how to get people to want to help. You have to give them control over an area. You have to like say, you could say your desired result. So for example, like a desired result, maybe for your sister is , if she wanted everyone to have candy, just be like, you know, I just want everyone to have a sweet treat, your

Brie Tucker: Oh, you know, that candy wasn’t shared. It was just hers.

JoAnn Crohn: what?

Brie Tucker: Oh my God. So many details to tell you. Yeah, no, I was just telling my daughter, I’m like, Oh, your aunt got those candy. And it’s just like the candy you like. She got pineapple high chews. And my sister whipped her head around and was like, pineapple? Ew, who eats pineapple? And I just like, my eyes got real big. It was mango. Okay.

JoAnn Crohn: okay. Well, well, okay.

Brie Tucker: So anyway, sorry. That was it. That was the moment where it all exploded.

JoAnn Crohn: Just explode it, understandably, understandably exploding from that, but like, okay, another example that maybe dinner be like, Hey Brie, Hey Brie, can you just plan where we’re all going to go to dinner? Just make sure that everyone can be seated there and, I want to put this all under your control and like figure out how everyone’s getting there to just take that off my plate.

It would be up to you to decide on the restaurant, to decide on the time, to coordinate with everybody and that, and that would be completely off your sister’s plate, and you would have complete control over how you did it. Because that’s really the secret. People need control over how they do the task, but you still have the same expectations for, what the end result

Brie Tucker: again, clear communication,

JoAnn Crohn: Yes. Yeah.

Brie Tucker: being very clear about what you want and not hoping people will suggest what it is that you want

JoAnn Crohn: Yes. Exactly. Exactly. And then our last one really has, is driving the point home. What’s our

Brie Tucker: Okay. The last point has a story with it. Okay. All right. You guys ready? Let others help and no backsies, no

JoAnn Crohn: to

Brie Tucker: backsies. And here is my example. I knew that my sister was stressed out about this weekend. I mean, like I said, I got a call before we even left about, Oh crap, I forgot to plan a dinner. Where are we going to eat?

And I was like, I don’t think everybody has an expectation for a dinner together. I think our whole expectation is just to get to the graduation ceremony. But you know, whatever you want, let me know how I can help. And we were talking because like I mentioned earlier, we had two sets of grandparents up coming up to this thing.

one from out of state, the other, From my parents that live here in Phoenix, but, you know, weren’t familiar with, Flagstaff the whole point of the story is that sometimes when you’re trying to coordinate all these people that aren’t familiar with the area, especially when it’s your parents, you don’t want them to, like, wonder off and get lost and confused and then, like, trying to figure out their way, back amongst other people.

Thousands of people at a graduation. And, I also knew that my sister like was having every, she was in charge of everybody’s transportation. Like they were all riding up with her in her car and everything. And she was never gonna have a moment alone. So I’m all like, Hey, at some point over the weekend, let me know.

And I will be happy to go hang the take mom and dad shopping or whatever. So that way you don’t have. Four sets of parents to keep track of during the trip when she’s like, okay, that sounds awesome. I would love that. I’m like great. So Graduation is over. We don’t know what we’re doing next. Everybody’s kind of walking around.

And, my daughter looks at me and goes, can we go shopping? And so I’m like, Oh, great. My mom loves shopping. And my husband and I had already planned this out that morning. We’re going to offer to take my mom shopping. And then because my dad doesn’t like shopping, Miguel, my husband was going to go take my dad.

They were going to hang out at like a restaurant, go get some and just chill. So I look at my sister and I go. Hey, how about if I take mom and dad, I’ll, we’ll take mom shopping and Miguel, we’ll hang out with, dad. And she goes, that sounds great. And then she turns around and says, okay, so mom, you’re going with Brie.

All the guys are going with me back to the apartment or back to the hotel. And I look at her and then my dad shifts from standing next to us to standing next to her because I had offered help. We had agreed on it. And then she took it back. She took my dad. So that was only like half of the thing. Like 20 minutes later, I get a text where she’s like, Oh, I got a migraine.

I’m laying down, whatever. And I’m all like, how’s dad? She’s like, Oh, I guess he’s fine. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with him now, because I’m laying down with a migraine. And I’m like, I tried to take him and you took him back. I tried to offer help and you took backseas. You took backseas. So. Don’t do

JoAnn Crohn: do it. It’s so, it’s so difficult. Like I’ve done that on occasion. Like, and I’ve had to be called out on it. Usually by my husband. Like I will, after dinner, for instance, like when it’s his job to clean up after dinner and I have no responsibilities whatsoever. And I see my son go to the couch. I’m like, Hey bud, you want to help clean up at like the table? And my husband turns to me. He’s like, I thought it was my job to clean up after dinner. And I’m like, what? Oh, fair point. I’m backing outta the kitchen right

Brie Tucker: You’re like, you’re like

JoAnn Crohn: Like

Brie Tucker: Homer Simpson GIF where he’s walking back

JoAnn Crohn: into the, into the shrubbery. I go into the shrubbery, yes. So we hope that you have found a lot of hope maybe in this episode and maybe some insight into things you might be doing that maybe going to the migraine direction, , that you can make these little

Brie Tucker: Or the oh,

JoAnn Crohn: it would.

Brie Tucker: direction. Or the explosion of losing your shiznit. Like we, yeah, it is hard. It is really, really hard to not lose your shiznit when there’s so much going on. but yeah, like, and we feel like there’s some, like, so many people, and as it, as we’re recording this, again, this is a live episode, like, I’m seeing all of the, uh, comments from everybody, and I have yet to see a single person say, Oh, I have no idea what you’re talking about. Never happened to

JoAnn Crohn: I’m not,

Brie Tucker: Nope.

JoAnn Crohn: we all do

Brie Tucker: Not

JoAnn Crohn: We all do it. So yeah, so make sure you come and join our No Guilt Mom podcast Facebook group. It is in the show notes. You can be part of episodes like this. And until next time, remember, the best mom’s a happy mom. Take care of you and we’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker: Thanks for stopping by.