Podcast Episode 346: What Your Step Mom Friends Want You to Know Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

There’s so much that is out of your control when you’re a stepmom. So just thinking about, you know, when you take vacations. We had to work our wedding and our honeymoon around custody schedules, which meant that we landed from our honeymoon on like a Sunday and got the kids on Monday for two weeks.

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I’m your host JoAnn Crohn, joined here by the lovely Brie Tucker.

Hello, hello, buddy, how are you?

We are going into this episode so excited because it is with a friend of mine who I’ve known for many, many years. We met in a VIP mastermind group way back when.

Speaker 3 (00:40.608)

a mastermind and she’s a wealth of information. But before we get into it, Brie, we need to ask people, we need to ask, hey, if you really enjoy the No Guilt Mom podcast, can you share this episode with a friend? Maybe you have a friend who’s a stepmom in your life and they really, really need to hear these things. Forward it to them, just share it with them. We would so appreciate it if you did that. That really helps us get the word out.

about the podcast to many more people.

Yeah, because I can guarantee if they are in a blended family, they can use some support. They can use knowing that there are others out there on that same journey. Looking at someone in a blended family as we speak. I have so many questions for her.

Yes.

Yes.

Speaker 3 (01:30.414)

So I’d like to introduce you to Cameron Norman, the founder and CEO of Step Family Solutions and host of the Step Mom Diaries podcast. She helps stepmoms and stepfamilies deal with the challenges navigating their blended family lives. Cameron is the very proud stepmom to four kids ages 16, 18, 20 and 23. And she is also a speaker at our Happy Mom Summit coming up next week. So let’s get on with the show.

INTRO MUSIC

Welcome, Cameron, to the podcast. We’re so happy to have you here.

I’m so happy to be here!

It is great to talk with you again. know we recorded your speaker session just a little bit ago. it’s like got a lot of Cameron all in like one thing and Free gets Cameron now too. So it’s really good.

Speaker 1 (02:49.14)

It’s Cameron! It’s Cameron!

I love it!

And like, I always love talking to you because you are such a wealth of information, not just about stepmom life, but also like I have to mention your previous career because it is just fascinating to me about lobbying in Washington, DC. Yeah. We got out of that too. Why? Like tell us why you decided to transition now to helping stepmom.

Yeah, you know, I had, I had started working with stepmoms and stepfamilies a few years ago, just in my spare time, which, you know, there wasn’t much, but in my spare time, I would, you know, coach and had the podcast and everything. And honestly, it started to get so toxic in Washington, which I think probably, you know, for everyone who paid any attention during this last election cycle, you saw that toxicity and.

You know, I really felt like what I was doing on the side was helping people. And it was fulfilling in a way that working in politics used to be, but wasn’t any longer. So it just felt like the right time. So in 2023, I made the jump and I left and started Step Family Solutions and doing this all full time now. And I could not be happier. I’m every bit as fulfilled as I was.

Speaker 2 (04:13.548)

you know, before politics became so toxic. So it’s, it’s been really wonderful.

It’s funny because you say like politics is toxic and like I have always kind of seen politics as toxic. So I’m really interested like what would what the change has been from your perspective. What is happening now that wasn’t happening before that’s making it toxic.

Yeah, you know, it’s the partisanship. mean, I moved to DC in 2000, right before the Bush v Gore election. And, you know, there was some toxicity around that. you know, at the time people were protesting on both sides. And, you know, as a young Capitol Hill staffer, we will walk over to the Supreme Court and see the protests and stuff. And, you know, we all thought it was the end of partisanship as we knew it. And now I think we look back and we’re like, well, that was quaint, you know, because it’s gotten so much worse. And just over the years, you know, you see.

both parties kind of retreating to the corners and really going hard at their bases. And for people who feel like they’re maybe more in the middle, which was always me, you feel like maybe there’s not as much of a place for you anymore. And so I had a little bit of a hard time as the years went on. And honestly, when you had January 6th,

And, you know, some of the kind of crazy that surrounded that previous administration, you know, it was really hard to watch. and I, I just, I felt like the career that I had that really allowed me to contribute, to a public policy discourse. mean, I was, you know, part of writing legislation straight out of law school, you know, I mean, it was a really interesting and fulfilling

Speaker 2 (06:05.304)

career and I worked when I was in the private sector I lobbied for two different movie studios which was honestly a lot of fun.

I mean, you got to go like, I remember you met Viola Davis, I’d like, like, all these, like, and stars and I’m like, Cameron has the-

Yeah, it was really fun. I definitely got to meet some amazing people and do some amazing things. And, ultimately, you know, what I was doing was advocating for my company with Capitol Hill and the administration. And, you know, as things sort of got more and more toxic, it was just harder for me to really feel the stomach for, you know, the fight. And then on the flip side, in my spare time, I was doing this thing that like I saw an immediate

you know, benefit for people I saw immediate that I was making an immediate difference in people’s lives. And just, mean, honestly, like it just was more fulfilling. And so, you know, I made a complete career pivot. And here we are. And I love it.

That’s awesome. We’ll pivot too into this stepmom work that you do because you are a stepmom yourself. How long, first of all, have you been a stepmom?

Speaker 1 (07:20.814)

Where?

Speaker 2 (07:26.034)

I am, we are coming up on our eighth wedding anniversary. So we met, I guess, almost nine years ago. Yeah, thanks. So yeah, eight years married nine years, you know, with Craig. So

And like in your life as a stepmom, what kind of challenges did you see that you like, nobody really warned you were coming?

Speaker 1 (07:59.073)

Or at least here’s what I have to wonder if that’s part of the same question here. It maybe you were warned about it, but you weren’t prepared for what it was really going to be. so people say it’s rough and you’re like, yeah, yeah, but I’ve got skills. And then you’re like, oh damn.

Yeah, no, that’s totally right. And I think honestly, I feel pretty confident that I can say that like 99.9 % of stepmoms feel like that when they get into it. They’re like, I did not know this was gonna be so hard. And, you know, you have a lot of people they’re like, well, you know, they had kids, what’d you think you were getting? Well, even when it’s complicated.

you still don’t think it’s going to be crazy. And like I grew up in a blended family and my parents got divorced when I was eight, my dad remarried. I had a stepmom. We have always had a complicated relationship. So, you know, but I felt like that informed my experience and you know, I didn’t necessarily think that it was going to be like completely smooth sailing, but I did feel like I kind of knew like the kind of stepmom I wanted to be. you know, kids have always liked me like a baby sat growing up.

I I don’t know. didn’t figure like how hard could it be, but kind of like, you know, the kids will like me. It’ll be great. You know? Yeah.

Let’s say even in your case, because you have that extra piece that not everybody had of having grown up in a blended family. Sure. I know what it’s you knew kind of what you were looking for. I feel like I could say that about my second marriage. I like I walked into my second marriage more aware because I knew what I didn’t want from the first marriage. When I run into issues, like when my current husband and I run into issues, I’m like, whoa, where did that come from?

Speaker 2 (09:40.247)

Yeah.

Speaker 3 (09:55.246)

You thought you had like these the skills you thought like it was gonna be okay and good and so like what guys

Time what?

Totally.

Speaker 2 (10:08.398)

Yeah, it’s a lot more complicated than, and it also, there’s so much that is out of your control when you’re a stepmom, right? Especially if your partner’s ex is high conflict or if they have a high conflict relationship, there’s so much you can’t control, right? So just thinking about it. And of course I wasn’t thinking about any of this stuff, right? Like I was like, let’s plan a wedding, you know?

love you, you love me, let’s just do this!

Yeah, this will be great. But like where you live, like we needed to live in the kids school district. You know, when you take vacations, we had to work our wedding and our honeymoon around custody schedules, which also by the way, meant that we landed from our honeymoon on like a Sunday and got the kids on a Monday for two weeks. Wow. You know, jumping straight in.

normal couples really get. They usually have a year or two.

Yeah, first families, you don’t have that, right? So it’s, you know, there’s just, there’s a lot that, you know, and again, like I knew that my husband and his ex had a high conflict relationship. I didn’t know it was going to get as bad as it would once I kind of thought, well, he’s moving on, like she’ll move on and like, you know, the kids will like me and everybody will see that like, I’m not this bad person and it’ll all be okay. It’s a lovely thought.

Speaker 1 (11:37.248)

You’re just, you finish, I’m just like, nope. Those are the rosiest colored glasses that we are all wearing. They hand it out to you when you become part of a blended family. and here’s your rosy glasses so that you can, you know, pretend once in a while. my God.

No!

Speaker 2 (11:54.83)

And, and it wasn’t, you know, it is not like it was all just, you know, horrible. No, I did love the kids and I do love the kids and you know, then the kids responded okay to me. You know, we have had to navigate a lot of stuff that I didn’t necessarily expect. And again, like, when you can develop the tools to deal with it, then it becomes a lot less hard.

And it feels a lot less hard and scary and overwhelming and all the things, you know, but it really, like, I didn’t really anticipate that I was going to have to sort of grow this whole new skill set to have a family.

So right after this, we’re going to talk about what kind of new skills that you had to grow into as a stepmom. And we’ll continue right after this break. So Cameron, you said that you really needed to grow into this new skill set as a stepmom. So like what skills do stepmoms need versus like how does it compare to the skills that you think of when you’re in a first family?

Yeah, there are a couple of things. I mean, there are many things, but there are a couple of things I’ll mention. one is, I think confidence. It’s, you know, you go in and again, I felt pretty confident going into it, but when you get into it and things are so challenging, you really second guess yourself a lot. And it, that even started, it was probably before we got married. I remember the first time Craig said, Hey,

can you stop and pick up the kids from school? And I was like, can I do that? Go with me? No, no, no, that’s-

Speaker 3 (13:37.008)

Am I

legit question because we had that happen last week or not last week at the beginning of the school year where I couldn’t go pick up my daughter for something. And so my husband said he would and I’m like, I’m pretty sure you’re not on the list. And he’s like, we’ve been married for how long and I’m not on the list. And I’m like, hey, I didn’t register her for school. Her dad did. I’m pretty certain your name is not on that list. And he wasn’t.

I added it, but I mean, that’s a good point you brought up because at first I was like, yeah, sure. You can pick them up. And then I realized like, wait, yeah. Like if you’re not on the list.

Yeah, there are all these permissions that you have to have to do stuff as a stepparent, right? Yeah. But this was more even just I was like, so what do I do once I get him in the car? Like, do we just like talk like how? But what if I don’t have anything to say to him? Now, of course, like, it’s right, it was my youngest stepson who I adore. And like, he’s chatterbox. And like, it was no big deal once I got him in the car. I was nervous, you know, then you know, you get the confidence to do that. But then it’s like the confidence to deal with

you know, if something’s going on with the ex and you know, how do you set boundaries that you need to set? How do you, make decisions that you have to make with your spouse? You know, I mean, a lot of it does come down to kind of being confident in who you are, who you want your family to be and how you and your spouse are going to be. and the other thing is being really intentional just about life in a way that I think first families

Speaker 2 (15:19.234)

don’t necessarily have to navigate. And it’s intentionality around how you’re gonna spend time with the kids because you don’t have them 24-7. It’s intentionality around how you’re gonna spend time with each other because you have the kids but then you don’t have the kids but if you make it all about the kids 24-7 when they’re there, is that.

healthy, I mean, it’s just, it’s sort of navigating all the things and finding time for yourselves as a couple when, you know, again, like you’re kind of getting dumped into this family that’s already there.

Okay, that to me is like a bit of a mic drop. think, because I think a lot of people like don’t, like you just said, there’s, well, JoAnn hears it from me all the time about how I feel like time went double speed once I got divorced because I only see my kids half of the time, right? And then I love being around my husband, but it is like you just said, it is so weird being in that like,

newlywed-y kind of stage, like where you’re still getting to know them. you don’t get to fully, like, and JoAnn, you mentioned it earlier when she was talking, you were like, you know, most people have like a year after their honeymoon before they welcome kids into the equation and you don’t have that time. So, then I- huge.

Yeah, and just being intentional about life and how you spend the time with the kids is interesting too. From the outside, I’m like, as a mom who has her kids around all the time, I’m like, please, can they go away for a week? And I see that side of it, and I’m like, that’s real nice. You could go out whenever you want to.

Speaker 2 (17:04.334)

You know, it’s interesting you say that because like stepmoms also feel that like, oh god, they’ll be gone next week. Thank God. But stepmoms can’t say that out loud. Yeah. Yeah. Because then they’re criticized for that. Right? Like moms can say it all day long. Like, oh, my kids are driving me crazy. But if a stepmom says, oh, my kids are driving me crazy, my stepkids are driving me crazy, then all of a sudden you’re kind of a stepmom. Yeah. You don’t love your stepkids.

Exactly, exactly.

Horrible! I would be like, more power to you! I get that, I want that!

why we are a good group of friends. I have to say, that was one of the best things that one of my another one of our close friends Shayna told me when I first got divorced and I was really sad we were separating and she was like, you know, hey, I’m not gonna lie that every other week is kind of nice.

I’m

Speaker 3 (17:57.454)

It’s funny because both you and Shana now have missed that every other week with this situation.

I know now we have one of our kids that’s yeah, yeah. So I, yeah, I’ve got one that’s moved in with us full time and I’m like, what happened to date night, man? We used to go out on like Tuesday night and we’d go to concerts, we’d go out on dates and now it can’t happen. Like, and I can say, like you just said, I can say this kind of sucks because it’s my kid who’s living with us 24 seven.

But yet my husband feels like he can’t say that because he’s like, you know, I love her. I love her man. And I’m like, it’s okay. You can say it sucks. We love her being here, but that doesn’t mean that we don’t feel guilty. And in my case, like your kids are now older. My kids are older so we can leave them. It would be fine, but you still feel guilty about it. Yeah.

love her!

Speaker 3 (18:57.71)

We talked about the skills of like confidence. You need that confidence. You need to be really, really intentional about the life. So if you’re like multitasking right now, you need a little like summary. There you go. Come back to us though. Cameron, what do think society gets wrong about step-bombs? We’ve talked a little bit about like calling a bad step-bomb. If you say, you know, those things that you’re happy that your kids are gone for a week. What else?

Yeah, I mean, you know, I don’t want to blame Disney, I was like,

Take them down! Take them down!

The evil stepmother trope

say don’t feed them an apple?

Speaker 2 (19:40.334)

No, I mean, I think that there are lot of just misconceptions. You know, I think that the media hasn’t helped. know, I mean, I certainly there are misconceptions about like, the stepmom, well, she must have been responsible for the breakup of the marriage. No, no. Or the stepmom, she’s just trying to get the spouse all to herself and wants to like, shut the kids off. No.

I mean, that’s not right either. And I would say again, like 99.9 % of stepmoms out there are just trying to make it through the day. You know, like they’re just trying to deal with all this stuff and all these things that are out of their control. And, know, I do, think that there, there’s a lot of, um, there are a lot of assumptions I think that people make and, um, a lot of things that I think people assume without sort of realizing

You know, we talked earlier about step parents not having, you know, rights to do stuff with the kids. I mean, there’s so much that you can’t do. And even the stuff that even when you are put on lists, like the teacher may still not email you. They may just email the parents and the doctors still might not share information with you. And so there are all these little sort of digs that just make you feel less than.

And I think that that’s something that society doesn’t recognize at all about stepmoms and step parents. think that there are just a lot of assumptions when they enter the picture that like, don’t know, know, stepmom. And it’s unfortunate, I think.

Yeah, and it’s a Disney thing. I know that when I was a teacher, I just didn’t know what I should do because legally you’re not supposed to share the information. But they’re a part of the family and it’s so confusing. almost like it’s a society held thing that needs to be corrected.

Speaker 1 (21:39.318)

And I would even say add in, JoAnn, I want to know the perspective from the teacher when the teacher has like, well, I want to include like the step parent because they asked, but it’s a high conflict situation. So let’s say dad says include step mom and mom goes, don’t you dare. That’s not her legal parent. That’s not her, her parent. Like it really does put you in a pickle for sure.

Yeah, it does. And that’s, think, where the law is handy. It’d be like, let’s just include the primary parrot. If there is a conflict situation, you know.

For stuff like that, mean, people have a lot of different feelings about how involved step parents should be. Like, should step parents go to parent-teacher meetings? You know, I did sometimes and I didn’t sometimes. But I think that people have real strong feelings about like, I don’t want to be there, that’s for the parents, or I must be there, I’m a parent, you know? Yeah. Yeah. And I think schools are dealing more and more, I mean, you 40 % of families in the country are step family or blended families of some sort. And so,

It is really common. And I think, you know, we have experienced over the years where the schools are very used to dealing with situations where the parents are not together, maybe like can’t stand each other. And like, you know, you’re not asking the school to be any kind of intermediary, but you’re saying like, Hey, if you’re going to communicate with, you know, mom and you tell her something, you need to communicate with us too.

And most of the time they get it and they’re like, yeah, I got it. No problem. You know, and even if it doesn’t come to the step parent, even if it just goes to the parents, at least it’s getting to both houses. You know what I mean? Yeah. Yeah. But it does. takes, it’s just, it’s a little more, it’s a little more work for everybody, you know? Yeah.

Speaker 3 (23:24.3)

Well, if you are a new step mom listening right now, Cameron has some advice for you. And we’re going to get into those three pieces of advice right after this.

So Cameron, we’ve talked about these skills that you need as a stepmom, but stepmoms also like have it hard as we discussed too. Let’s go through some good practical advice that stepmoms can take away from this discussion. One of your first pieces of advice, what is it?

So I’ve got a couple pieces of advice. gonna, I want to start with one that’s, that’s more about the kids and less about the step parent. And then I want to give a piece of advice that’s for the step parent. Around the kids, one of the most common things I see is a step mom coming in and seeing, you know, kids running around all over the place and their discipline. And maybe there’s not discipline at mom’s house or whatever. And she’s like, I gotta whip this house in order.

and she wants to be a full partner to her partner and so she starts disciplining the kids. No.

Look at me, eyes on me, I said.

Speaker 2 (24:34.574)

It’s a very easy, it’s a very easy rule connection before correction. And I think, you know, you guys we’ve talked, we talked about this right before we came on that, you know, you really have got to establish the bond with the stepchild before you need before you step in and try and discipline them. It really needs to be your partner that does it. Putting that aside, where the step parent is concerned, I really want people to know, like, don’t be so hard on yourself. Because

It’s going to get difficult. It’s going to get complicated. You’re going to make mistakes. You’re going to, you’re going to have missteps. The birthday parties and I made this mistake as a new step mom. They don’t have to be Pinterest perfect. I thought they did. They do not.

You thought you were being graded on the assignment.

I thought I was going to be like super, super step mom, right? Like you do not have to be, you have to be you. You do not have to be perfect. You don’t always need to know the right things to say. And then the other thing I would say is, you’re going to struggle. Things are going to get hard at some point and you’re not alone. It can feel really lonely, especially if you don’t have anyone in your life that is a step parent that like fully understands what you’re going through. You’re not alone.

There are so many people out there that have been in your shoes that have felt the things. And I was talking with someone here in DC a couple of years ago and she was like, she’s not a stepmom. was like, well, I mean, it’s not like stepmoms have a secret handshake or anything. I was like, kind of, like you, there’s a look when you find out someone else is a step parent, you’re like, yeah, I know you, I see you, know.

Speaker 3 (26:11.981)

Yeah

Speaker 3 (26:21.87)

You like get it with each other. So, parents shouldn’t discipline, which by the way, if you want more info on that, that is Cameron’s session in the Happy Mom Summit. So, make sure to get your Happy Mom Summit ticket for that. In fact, you could just DM me on Instagram, DM no guilt mom on Instagram, the word happy, and I will send you the link to get your ticket on that. Don’t be so hard on yourself. No pictures, perfect birthday parties, and just no.

that you’re not alone in this whole stepmom thing. I love the idea of a secret handshake, by the way. Stepmom should create that. I don’t know how I get the word out.

like a secret tattoo or something like

That’s you.

heart on the face means because I’ve seen the heart on the face but like maybe something like that like I don’t know.

Speaker 3 (27:09.56)

Something like that. So Cameron, we like to end every episode on a really happy, positive note. What are you looking forward to in your own life? What’s coming up for you that’s exciting?

Yeah, so we have lots of stuff coming up for stepmoms and stepfamilies. Of course, by the time this airs, it may have already happened, but planning a huge event here in Alexandria, Virginia called Stepmom Live. And it’s gonna be amazing. 100 stepmoms, experts, it’s gonna be phenomenal. And then I’ve got our second annual Stepmom Retreat.

at the end of February in San Antonio, which is going to be really fun. A much smaller group, super in depth into everybody’s stuff. And we’ll have another stepmom summit this year coming up. so lots of things coming up for stepmoms and stepfamilies.

And where’s the best place people can go to get connected to all of this for you?

Yes, you can find me on Instagram at stepfamilysolutions and you can find me at stepfamilysolutions.com.

Speaker 1 (28:14.158)

And we also have a link there in the show notes that people can just click right on as well. But being a stepmom for me, like my husband has an older son. So I came into step parenting when he was in his 20s and I didn’t think I was going to have to step parent.

Awesome.

Speaker 2 (28:30.222)

Again!

No, right? Wait, still parent? crap. All right.

I do now. Totally.

Totally. Well, thank you so much, Cameron. It has been wonderful to chat with you about all things step bombing. And make sure to take Cameron’s pieces of advice and then go and follow her on Instagram. She has so much more to share with you. And Cameron, we’ll talk to you soon.

Thanks, appreciate it.

Speaker 1 (29:01.42)

You know, I feel like Cameron and I are kindred hearts. Like hearing her talk and watching her being so thoughtful on her words and how she articulates things, like I’m like, girl, I get it. I feel you. I feel that. I do. You see me struggle on how to like choose my words because when you’re in a blended family, it’s like you’re like hyper aware and concerned about possibly upsetting anybody.

It just, adds a whole new layer of the what can I say and what can’t I say, but man, I’m gonna have coffee with her. Cause we gotta swap some more stories.

Definitely, definitely because I mean, I couldn’t imagine not having somebody I could talk to about motherhood like you. And like, even though you could talk with me about step-mobbing, I don’t like get it. I listen, I emphasize, I can put myself in your shoes a bit, but not completely because I just haven’t experienced it. And I think like, that is like, really key in mom life to

You know, we had a happy mom speaker a few years ago. was Pamela who said diversify your joy. You got to diversify all of those friendships and relationships in mom life. Cameron gave so many great tips. So first step moms. Yeah.

Both my husband and I struggle with understanding if you can feel happy that the kids aren’t there. If we can articulate it to each other or not is another like big, big factor there for sure. So it’s a lot of things to kind of keep in mind and it’s a dance. We’ll say it’s a dance. I might have lost for words on how to describe it because it’s so different.

Speaker 3 (30:34.249)

It’s a dance.

Speaker 3 (30:39.552)

It’s hot. Yeah, I could see that. I could see just the explanations of it and like the secret step mom like nod or handshake that you both like are able to communicate with each other.

Yeah, my secret stepmom handshake would be like, like, I see you, the hands on the eyes and then like a double pat on the shoulder. Got you, girl. I got you.

I see you think is usually what I did to students when they were doing something. I would like stare at them. I’d be like pointing and like.

like the thing no matter what we’re like, see you, I hear you, I know what you’re doing. Yeah.

So hilarious. So if you have a stepmom in your life, if you have a friend, if you have a coworker, please share this episode with them just to show them that they aren’t alone in this and maybe something that they’re struggling with. talked about in this episode because it’s so hard sometimes to find the words to say exactly what you’re feeling until you hear someone else say it and you’re like, this is going to help me explain my situation so much better. Please share. And until next time, remember the best mom’s a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Speaker 1 (31:38.84)

Thanks for stopping by.