Podcast Episode 315: 4 Simple Things You Can Do to Get Your Husband to Step Up at Home Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn (00:00.812)

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I’m your host, JoAnn Crohn here with the lovely Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker (00:07.611)

Why hello hello buddy, how are you?

JoAnn Crohn (00:11.526)

We have such the topic to talk about today because this is something that we hear a lot in our balance community. We hear a lot from people first coming into our balance community. And that’s how do I take so much stuff off my plate when my husband, when my partner refuses to help in the household. And this is such an issue because there’s so many different viewpoints on it. So many different

situations, so many different relationship dynamics at play. And I’m excited to get into it. Like, how are you feeling about this, Brie?

Brie Tucker (00:51.391)

My goodness, it’s bringing up a little bit of PTSD, I’ll be honest. So I just wanna like, so the question spurred from our podcast group, which if you haven’t joined our podcast group on Facebook, get your booty on over there. It is a fun group. We do lives in there. We get ideas for podcast episodes such as this one. What I’m gonna say though about this is I feel like I’ve been in both situations.

JoAnn Crohn (00:55.565)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (01:06.574)

you

Brie Tucker (01:20.285)

I’ve been in the situation where I had a significant other who didn’t help out and that went through different, different aspects and, as trying to figure out our roles and our relationship. And then, one of us wanted to change that role and the other one not wanting to change the role. And then I’ve had a second situation where I have always felt very equal. If anything, makes me uncomfortable with the equality.

JoAnn Crohn (01:48.663)

that’s interesting. That’s interesting.

Brie Tucker (01:49.915)

Yes, I get squirmish about the equality of it because I’m not used to it. So I feel like I’m a burden sometimes, but that’s neither here nor there. I’m working through it. I’m working through it. So I’m excited for this episode too. yeah, it’s like a therapy session.

JoAnn Crohn (01:58.829)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (02:03.566)

JoAnn Crohn (02:09.566)

Yeah, okay. I want to do I want to ask you so many questions about both of those both of those things. So let’s get on with the show.

So when we talk about like your partner not helping out in the house, especially the woman who left the questionnaire podcast group, how to practice boundaries with your significant other when he consistently refuses or neglects to show up as an equal partner, teammate in the home and life management and parenting. And when we were first talking about this, asked, I told Briam like, I have more questions.

And she’s like, what, what are your questions? because I think that there are so many varieties of relationships and relationship dynamics. Yeah. And it all depends. Like what is the relationship dynamic in this situation? My first question is like, I always look for proof, like not proof that like somebody’s lying or anything. That’s not the proof I’m talking about. I’m talking about like the actual like,

Brie Tucker (02:55.465)

There are. Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker (03:09.513)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (03:16.738)

hard cold facts in the situation. when somebody says refuses, how what did they say? What was the specific situation that they refused on? Like tell me the whole story. Give me the whole scenario. That’s what I want to know. Because as you said, Brie in the intro, you were in both situations where one was an outright refusal.

And I’ve seen situations like with my parents where my dad was oblivious to everything, like just didn’t see it. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (03:49.961)

Right? And I think that there is, so like you said, there’s a lot of nuance to that question because it could go in so many different directions. But with that being said, I’m willing to bet that a big chunk of our listeners could be like, yeah, yeah, I totally have that going on. But like you just said, it’s different though in every household. It’s different in every family and every relationship how that shows up because we could both like,

JoAnn Crohn (03:55.263)

Yes.

JoAnn Crohn (04:11.414)

It’s different.

Brie Tucker (04:18.441)

I could say that my significant other was neglectful and not showing up as an equal partner, but at no point in time do I feel like my partner ever was completely oblivious. There was some chosen oblivion there. And you’re saying like in your parents, your dad was just oblivious. wasn’t, yeah, he wasn’t trying to not help.

JoAnn Crohn (04:33.934)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Completely oblivious, like neurodiv, no, like neurodiversity obliviousness too. Like, and my husband and I talk about this with all, like a lot too, because we’re all into neurodiversity in our household because we’re on different sides of it. Me, I tend more to the ADHD and he, he tends more to something else, which I won’t divulge because this is a public podcast, but we talk about this a lot.

Brie Tucker (05:05.726)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (05:07.186)

And there are some ways where you might see a refusal to do something. It might be an assumption being made in the house where here comes your partner. You’ve been working all day. They’ve been working out a day. You go immediately to cook dinner. They go immediately to the couch and you’re like, they’re refusing to help. And I can totally see how it could be read that way because I have seen it that way growing up. And I have seen it that way in my house too.

Like, and I’ve gotten really mad and really angry, but there could also be the refusal to be like, I’m not doing it. That’s your job. Like that’s a different situation. We’re talking about it. And that’s what you saw too. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (05:40.712)

Ooh.

Brie Tucker (05:46.065)

Yes, exactly. Well, right. And like, I’m even gonna dive into the whole, because there was another comment on Facebook on a post you had written recently about, let’s see, what was the post called? I’m, let me find it. I am a parenting coach and here’s what I tell women when their husband drops the ball. And the comment somebody left who I didn’t read the post, but.

JoAnn Crohn (05:57.162)

Yes.

Brie Tucker (06:14.705)

read part of it, right? And said that, I guess I’m in the… Yeah. Well, right. No, but I mean, I don’t think they read the post. I think that they just read the title and everything. But I could be wrong. I could be wrong. But they said that, you know, I’m a stay at home mom. That wouldn’t happen to me because I have certain duties and he has certain duties and I wouldn’t expect him to do certain things. Actually, no, I guess she did read it, didn’t she? Anyway, she did read it because there’s that one fact in there about like calling your kid out.

JoAnn Crohn (06:17.71)

could fill you in on that post since I was the writer. Yes. Yes.

JoAnn Crohn (06:34.766)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (06:39.97)

She did read it.

Brie Tucker (06:44.699)

from school and I miss that. Okay, but regardless, so she’s saying how she’s a stay at home mom, she has her role that she does and he has his role that he does and she doesn’t feel like the two of them cross over, right? Like she feels like I would never ask him to do that. And I feel like in some cases that is the situation that they’re in where they…

JoAnn Crohn (07:02.221)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (07:11.665)

You have your separate roles, but that doesn’t mean that you that other person can’t ever help out And and what happens when you?

JoAnn Crohn (07:18.434)

But also, let’s talk about those roles because those were decided at a time. so, let’s go to this post, the husband dropping the ball because it happens, you know what? And I feel it too. When you decide on something that is not your responsibility,

Brie Tucker (07:22.93)

Okay.

Yeah!

Brie Tucker (07:30.356)

Yes.

Brie Tucker (07:39.657)

Get a little closer to the mic. When you shifted, your voice went way far away.

JoAnn Crohn (07:45.71)

So let’s talk about those roles. When you decide on something that you are not going to do anymore and you delegate it to your spouse, that is you deciding on roles. So if you are a stay at home mom and you’re like, everything at home is mine. Okay, that’s a choice. Like I wouldn’t recommend anyone to make that choice because I have to say like the home is a 24 hour a day kind of situation while your spouse going to work is like, you know, a shift situation like

So I wouldn’t recommend you make that choice with saying everything in the home is yours. That’s just putting like, you will work nonstop. If you want to work nonstop, that is your choice right there. I’m just saying it. Just saying it to that commenter out there. I don’t think it’s the right choice, but that is my opinion. So when you delegate to somebody, sometimes there’s a lot of guilt around that delegation. And I’ve experienced it too. I will tell you that it is my husband’s job.

to take out the trash. It is so my husband’s job that we will start piling trash on top of the counter when that trash can is too full to be taken out. And sometimes I see that and I’m like, my gosh, he is so busy that I should just do this for him. And he’ll appreciate me so much and he’ll love me so much.

I wasn’t aware of this line of thinking until I dug into it a little bit more. But I mean, that’s what I’m thinking when I do the things. he’ll love me so much and he’ll see how valuable I am. And like, he’ll feel bad that he didn’t get to it. Like, that’s what I think. Mm-hmm. So I noticed that I was doing this and it was causing me a lot of resentment because did he feel bad? No.

Brie Tucker (09:16.552)

Yeah?

Brie Tucker (09:20.415)

think that’s a typical narrative. So let’s go tell me more.

Brie Tucker (09:29.939)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (09:36.403)

It was like it was a simple yeah Thanks for taking out the trash and it ended there and that wasn’t enough to fulfill my needs Brie because it didn’t mean

Brie Tucker (09:45.449)

Well, because it wasn’t the right amount of response. There should have been fanfare.

JoAnn Crohn (09:49.002)

love, love and undying adoration of how I have come to the rescue again. And so noticing this line of thought that I was going through, I’m like, okay, this isn’t healthy. I need to change this. And so I changed it by first like making very, very clear what was my job and what was his job. And

in this situation because I was so used to seeing this dynamic of my parents. Like my mom would just do things and be like, I did this again. You forgot about it. My dad would be like, I’m sorry. Thank you for doing that. And it would just keep repeating over and over and over again. So I actually went to my husband. I’m like, so it’s your job that you take out the trash. And he looks at me. like, yeah, of course it’s my job. Like, like, you know, he gives that situation like, duh, it’s my job.

Brie Tucker (10:36.831)

like, hello, Captain Obvious. And you’re like, there’s a reason I’m saying this. Go on, sorry.

JoAnn Crohn (10:41.078)

And I, well, and I’m like, I need to say this out loud. So I remember I said this out loud and it is not an assumption I’m making. It is your job to do the trash and it is not my job to do the trash. And he’s like, yeah, I’m like, cool, good, we cleared that up. And so when it happened again and the trash started piling on top of the counter, I didn’t do it. I didn’t take it out.

I didn’t even mention it to him that the trash started piling on the counter. What did happen, however, was one morning our dinner from the previous night, it was in a bag on the counter because we got takeout. And I went into the living room and our dog had jumped onto the counter and had taken the bag.

Brie Tucker (11:28.307)

gonna say how does that method work with your dog cuz your dog loves to counter surf how many how many pounds is that dog

JoAnn Crohn (11:31.84)

It doesn’t. Yes, I love her for that reason sometimes too. 55.

Brie Tucker (11:40.987)

Yeah, all 55 pounds of her. Go on.

JoAnn Crohn (11:44.11)

But there was tacos all over the living room and it was trashed and I looked at it and I was like about to scream. And I’ll let you know exactly what I did next right after this break.

JoAnn Crohn (12:00.418)

So when I saw Brie all of that trash in the living room, my first instinct was to go back again to that, my gosh, like, look at all this mess. I’m going to, I’m going to pick up all this mess and then my husband is going to thank me and be like, my gosh, JoAnn, how, like, how can we not live without you? I am so sorry. Like you are the goddess and you are the queen, but.

Brie Tucker (12:23.135)

I would have been losing my every little bit of mind. have a question on this story, but tell me if you can’t answer it. Was he there when this happened?

JoAnn Crohn (12:27.458)

Yes.

JoAnn Crohn (12:31.928)

He was not, he was in the bathroom. So yeah, he was in the house. He was in the house, but I would have started picking up the trash very angrily. I would have been so pissed off and I’ve been like shoving it in and then I would have been like slamming doors and then I would have come into the bathroom.

Brie Tucker (12:33.992)

okay, all right, I just been in the house. So yeah, okay, so good. At least it was a quick, okay, all right.

Brie Tucker (12:48.731)

and I also would have been screaming, this is all your fault!

JoAnn Crohn (12:52.17)

Yeah, I’m like, this is why we put the trash away. This is why like I would I would have done that. I could have seen myself doing all that. Yeah, yeah, so but I stopped myself and I’m like, hold on, we had this conversation. This is his job. And if this is his job, then he gets the natural consequences of not doing the job. And so instead, I take the dog and I go into the bathroom and I’m like, hey.

Brie Tucker (12:56.423)

Yes! yeah! Shame, shame city, baby. Take it for one. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker (13:12.905)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (13:20.0)

So Addy got into the trash that was on the counter and he looks at me and is like, I’m like, I’m going out and taking a walk. And I just leave because I was upset, of course. And that’s okay, obviously, because the dog made a big mess. But I left and he, picked it up and he took care of it. And was he a little stressed going to work? Of course he was because that’s a stressful situation. But

Brie Tucker (13:32.5)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (13:48.394)

I’ve learned from that one. I’m like saving him from that stress doesn’t make our relationship any better. And it’s just me over-functioning so that he, in my mind, won’t have the stress, but it doesn’t do anyone any good in the long run. And so that’s the thing with dropping the ball. When your partner drops the ball, you have to leave it there on the floor.

and let the pieces fall where they are, unless they either come to you for help or you actually talk with them and be like, hey, and this is if you’re in a good place, because I wouldn’t have been in a good place to offer this help. I would have been like begrudgingly, do you want help cleaning it up? And he would have been like, yeah, I’d love help cleaning it up. I’m like, yeah.

Brie Tucker (14:41.215)

as you like slam stuff around. Yeah, yeah. I’m sorry, did that taco hit you in the head? I didn’t mean to. Must’ve picked it up too fast.

JoAnn Crohn (14:46.702)

Yeah, I was not in a place to offer it. I didn’t want to offer it. I was pissed off. So I wouldn’t have offered it in that situation. But I mean, unless any communication happens now between him and I, then he handles his stuff that he’s responsible for and I handle mine.

Brie Tucker (14:57.277)

Yeah. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (15:08.883)

that. I feel like, okay, so rolling back into previous Brie life and my first relations. Yeah, right. Okay. So in my, so here’s how I read the comment of how to practice boundaries and your significant other refuses or neglects to show up. And then also, cause I was saying that I thought that these two comments might be in the same plate. Like they might be actually in the exact same scenario, but

JoAnn Crohn (15:17.42)

Yes, I have questions.

JoAnn Crohn (15:28.823)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (15:37.005)

Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker (15:37.499)

and the person that’s like, you know, can’t ask my husband to do stuff because I’m a stay at home mom. In my first relationship, my first marriage, mean, my ex didn’t do a whole lot of equal partnership with parenting, home management, any of that. However, to his defense, when we first like got married, I did want to be a stay at home mom.

JoAnn Crohn (15:53.742)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (16:06.815)

I wanted, like we had talked about it, because my career was in early childhood, absolutely loved kids. And I knew that in my case, first of all, there was no childcare is around me that we could afford that I trusted. And two, I knew exactly what I wanted to do with my kids and I wanted to be there for them. And he 100 % loved that idea. He’s like, I love it.

JoAnn Crohn (16:19.949)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (16:32.037)

You be a stay at home parent, you take care of the kids, you take care of the house, and I will take care of the bills and the job. Great. Awesome. Sounds excellent. Flash forward a few years later, and we still hadn’t had kids yet. And so we were both still working. And it had already started with the whole breeze in charge of everything in the house. And I only were.

JoAnn Crohn (16:42.733)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (17:01.437)

and I’ll do like the outdoor yard stuff. And it was fine until it would come back of like, did you dust today? And I’m like, why would I? I worked, I worked an eight hour shift. Like I worked all day. Why would I have dusted today? And he’s like, well, it just looks dusty and you’re in charge of the house. And I’m like, whoa, ho ho ho ho, wait up. We have a house with no, no grass. Yeah, like we have a house with no grass. Like you do nothing outside except for take the trash out.

JoAnn Crohn (17:01.517)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (17:15.873)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (17:22.57)

Whoa, whoa, yeah.

Brie Tucker (17:29.703)

And somehow I’m in charge of everything else? Like, no, no, no. So that started a little bit of the, wait a minute here. And we did have some bumps. We figured that part out where it kind of came back to like, all right, Brie will be in charge of, like, again, all of it when we have kids. Well, flash forward, like, I don’t know, two years later, we had kids, but I couldn’t stay home. We, we weren’t financially stable enough for me to be able to stay home and raise the kids.

JoAnn Crohn (17:30.167)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (17:58.397)

So I still worked full time. Yet that partner thought, we had a kid. We agreed you would take care of everything. So now it’s all your job again.

JoAnn Crohn (18:08.12)

See, okay, so I would like to point out though, and I am not a fan of him. I need to tell everybody this, like I’m just not a fan. So yes, just know that that always clouds my judgment when we’re talking about this situation. Cause I just wanna point a hole in his logic there. His job was to take care of the bills. He didn’t do that. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (18:17.152)

I think everybody knows that neither of us are fans, but go on.

Brie Tucker (18:23.54)

Okay.

Brie Tucker (18:34.911)

True, true, and that was a case of animosity between the two of us. Did we talk about it? No, no, we didn’t talk about it. So like, that’s the thing that I want anybody to walk away from here. No matter where you are at in your relationship, you must talk about it because not talking just makes it grow bigger and bigger and bigger because like you were talking earlier, you tell yourself stories in your head. that.

JoAnn Crohn (18:39.894)

Yeah. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (19:00.361)

person doesn’t care about me, they don’t care about our family, blah, blah, And that wasn’t it. And I can tell you for a fact exactly what was going on was he still had the original agreement in his head. Even though he wasn’t, well, exactly, yes, yeah. Even though we weren’t in a place where he was making enough money that I could be a stay at home mom, we never revisited that conversation. Because in my head,

JoAnn Crohn (19:04.258)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (19:12.675)

Mm-hmm.

He wasn’t fulfilling his side of the agreement. But yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (19:25.251)

Yeah.

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (19:29.833)

course you would see that your partner is working full-time and doing a full-time job of taking care of our family and our household. And you would step in and help him. He’s like, you never asked me to. So I thought you were fine with managing everything. So then what happened in that case was I grew and I changed.

JoAnn Crohn (19:44.044)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (19:50.19)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (19:57.422)

Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker (19:57.757)

I no longer wanted to be a stay at home mom because quite honestly, we couldn’t afford it. So it was like, why would I want to do something that is going to be detrimental to my well-being, my mental health, and my family? I need to have a job because we need to have enough money to live the lifestyle that we want to live. And that requires me to work, right? Yes. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (20:14.796)

Yes. And I want to put a like also like add another thing into that. For most American families today, it is impossible to survive on one income. Like both parents have to work. Like it’s impossible.

Brie Tucker (20:25.597)

It is, right. So you need to realize that that’s a hard one. So I’ll tell you the next thing we did right after this.

So, all right, so I’m coming back into this and I wanted to say like, so I grew and I figured out that like being a stay at home mom wasn’t gonna work. It wasn’t gonna work for our lifestyle. And I felt like my husband understood that. He saw the bills, he saw we couldn’t do it on just his salary. But for whatever reason, not all that stuff clicked with him.

JoAnn Crohn (21:17.41)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (21:24.489)

So when I explained to him that I wanted more help with the parenting because I was not gonna be able to be a stay at home mom, he was like, that’s not what I signed up for. Like I signed up for you taking care of the house and the kids. And there was absolutely, and it’s not my fault if I can’t like, you know, make more money right now so that you can stay home. Like you can stay home. That’s great. You can totally stay home, Brie.

JoAnn Crohn (21:33.804)

Mmm.

Uh-huh.

Brie Tucker (21:53.107)

just we need to cancel your cell phone because we can’t afford a cell phone and we need to cancel the internet because we can’t afford internet. Things to me that were like, whoa, whoa, whoa, I’m not willing to give that up. So I’m just saying, I can see both sides of this because I started with the, I’m gonna be a stay at home mom, this is my job, it’s not his job, I wouldn’t ask him to do this. And then it turned into me feeling so bitter.

JoAnn Crohn (22:00.43)

I do not like him.

JoAnn Crohn (22:07.406)

you

Brie Tucker (22:22.649)

so held back because I did not have an equal partner and I could yell and the only way that the equal partner ever popped out was if I cried. If I got to the point where I broke down and I cried, the equal partner would pop out for a little while and then we would go back to where we were. And why? Because we had grown to different roles and we no longer jived.

I guess is what I’m saying. But I do think that communicating is where you have to be on that though, because like I said, it only got better when, because I’ll be honest with you, when I said like I cried, like that’s when I would break down and actually ask for what I needed. And yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (22:51.522)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (23:09.206)

Yeah, but also like it’s the responsibility of both partners to to come in and make the changes. So yeah, it’s awesome that you are able to be like, actually asked for what I needed and then he would show up. But he for a little bit. Red flag narcissism to the extreme anyways, but it’s also the responsibility of both partners. So.

Brie Tucker (23:24.095)

For a little bit. For a little bit. That’s a red flag, people. Red flag. Go on.

JoAnn Crohn (23:38.198)

I mean, you realize that he wasn’t willing to make any adjustments for you in the long term that would actually work. But you were willing to like work around his stuff too. Like you were fulfilling the role of a partner. He wasn’t. And I think that’s so important for people to hear because a lot of women put all of the responsibility on themselves. Like if they feel like they’re constrained in the relationship,

Brie Tucker (23:47.643)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (24:04.222)

Yep.

JoAnn Crohn (24:07.69)

If they feel like they can’t spend the money on themselves, they feel like they can’t spend the time on themselves. It’s usually because they can’t ask, but it’s usually because also their partner isn’t willing to budge on anything for them. And that’s the hard point. That’s a really, really hard point. And that’s a very different conversation than seeing a partner who is just kind of oblivious that you really need to have those conversations with.

Brie Tucker (24:13.055)

They can’t ask.

Brie Tucker (24:29.841)

Exactly.

Brie Tucker (24:37.3)

Yep.

JoAnn Crohn (24:37.346)

So it’s almost like you need to put them through kind of the steps of the process. Is your partner oblivious? Okay, time to have a conversation, time to use those skills to state your needs, time to see what they need. If those conversations have failed, maybe it’s time to get outside help for those conversations in terms of coaching, in terms of therapy, whatever it needs. And if that fails, you have to consider, okay.

Is this the really, it’s the relationship and the way where both partners are. And this is not my fault anymore. And I’ve tried everything that I have tried to do.

Brie Tucker (25:16.863)

But I also feel like everything that you said before, like, so like when you ran through the steps on, you know, your husband not taking the trash out. And this is one thing I love about your relationship, just because I know you and your husband so well. I always loved looking at the two of you because from the get go, you guys both wanted to be equal partners with each other. And that communication started while you guys were dating. Like you would tell me the stories and I’m like, my.

JoAnn Crohn (25:25.23)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (25:41.71)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (25:45.814)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (25:45.971)

God, I can’t even imagine being that self-aware of what I wanted in college. But go ahead. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (25:54.968)

Well, I think I was aware of what I didn’t want. I would get so mad at my dad, so mad at him. would, cause I would see my mom and I would see her struggle and I would see what she needed, but she also didn’t feel like she could ask for it. Nor would she like hold him accountable for it because it’s just not communication skills she had at the time.

nor did I realize that those were actual skills that you could develop. thought it was like something innate in people. Some people were just stronger than others. And some people were more touchy feely than others, but really they’re just come down to communication skills. totally learnable. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (26:26.749)

Yeah. I… Yes! And I think so many of us believe that though. Like what you just said, so many of us believe that like, it’s just their personality. They’re just like that. And it’s no, no, there are skills.

JoAnn Crohn (26:38.38)

Yeah, no, no, it’s not. It’s skills, it’s strategies. And I saw her work her ass off at home and at work. And my dad would just be relaxing. And that’s a personal trigger for me, even now to this day. If I see, like if I have a thousand things running down my to-do list in my head and I see my husband on his phone doing cross-

Brie Tucker (26:54.174)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (27:03.566)

crossword puzzles and playing Sudoku. something ignites in me where I’m just like, and I have to realize that in myself and I have to calm down that trigger before I have the conversation with him. So I know what I don’t want. And I always went for the spot of like, I, we are not going to have this dynamic.

Brie Tucker (27:19.518)

Well.

Brie Tucker (27:24.221)

Yeah, and you knew what you didn’t want, I feel like at much earlier age than I did, but I digress. So what I wanna say to people out there that are where I was, you had originally started this relationship and maybe you had an in-depth conversation, maybe it was just a conversation in passing where it was like, I will take care of the family in the house and you’ll take care of the other things, whatever it is that they’re supposed to take care of. And now time has passed and you’re like, what the hell?

JoAnn Crohn (27:48.152)

Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker (27:54.075)

I am doing my share plus more and I’m mad. I’m mad that you’re not showing up to help me. I’m mad that you’re not seeing that I need assistance, but all of that, right? I think everything you said is where you need to start still. You need to, first of all, not engage while you’re pissed off and angry because that turns into a whole lot of finger pointing and a whole lot of you do this and you do that and you blah, blah.

JoAnn Crohn (28:05.292)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (28:16.543)

Mm-hmm. It’s a hard thing.

Brie Tucker (28:23.259)

And when you’re doing that, you’re telling the story that’s in your head, right?

JoAnn Crohn (28:28.302)

Yeah, it’s your trigger. It’s your emotional thing. mean, I was having this conversation with one of our coaching clients and she was talking about how her sons use every single like water bottle she has, like anything like that’s hers. She’ll drink out of it and they’ll, they’ll drink out of it and it pisses her off. And as we dug.

Brie Tucker (28:45.983)

Still take it? Yeah. Wait, wait, wait. While she’s drinking out of it too, like she filled the water bottle. okay. Well, that’s what I guess I mean. Like she filled it up and they will walk over and just be like, good, water bottle. Glug, glug, glug. That is so, okay, I’m sorry. In my opinion, that is rude. Go on.

JoAnn Crohn (28:51.968)

No, it’s just like by the side. It’s by her side and like, yeah, they’ll take it.

JoAnn Crohn (29:01.517)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (29:05.418)

Okay, but here’s what we found out. When we talked about it a little more, she said, you know what? I think it pisses me off because it’s something that my ex used to do. He would just take whatever I had and use it for his own. And I think like, I see that in my kids that they’re acting like my ex. And I’m like, that is such a good thing to be aware of because a lot of the things that probably make you mad right now, you do have a story in your head.

Brie Tucker (29:24.105)

Ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding ding!

JoAnn Crohn (29:34.69)

that doesn’t have anything to do with the other person. It’s all to do with your past experience. And so you have to first recognize that story. And if you’re having a hard time recognize that story, that’s what coaching can help you with. That’s what we do here at No Guilt Mom. That’s what we do in our ballots program. And find out those stories first. So that’s one thing to help you take it down from like you’re a level 10 angry to a level two.

Brie Tucker (30:00.531)

Yeah, because I think that’s the part that a lot of us feel like, I’m so visual. In my head, I’m seeing the GIF of the dog, the husky in outer space that’s like floating around the space station. Like, I feel like when you’re really upset and you don’t know, you look around and you’re like, this just freaking sucks. You don’t even know where to start. And that’s where like, again, I feel like having that coaching.

JoAnn Crohn (30:22.252)

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (30:28.873)

can help you move in the direction you need to move in to start that conversation, to get to a point where you can figure out things. Because again, like in my case, a lot of the conversation needed to be, I feel this way. And I couldn’t get that out because like in a normal situation where I was left to do something, I would yell, you never helped me, you never do exercise. And he would shut down and he’d be like,

JoAnn Crohn (30:28.93)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (30:34.177)

It really does.

Brie Tucker (30:58.975)

If you’re just going to yell at me, I’m leaving. His favorite thing was, I’m going to go to the bar then, would leave and go to the bar. And in my case, like it wasn’t until I would cry and break down that I could realize that that’s for some reason when that I speak would come out. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel unsupported. And then there would be some step in. But because I had to get to that

JoAnn Crohn (31:01.314)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (31:16.771)

Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker (31:28.735)

point every time, like that’s where like things kind of just started to get like exhausting. And I feel like that’s maybe why now when I have an equal partner, when that equal partner offers to help or just flat out helps without me asking. I feel guilty like I’m doing something wrong. Right, because I had, what, 16 years of having to work for it. And, or no, 17, 17 years.

JoAnn Crohn (31:33.294)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (31:47.054)

It’s like you didn’t have to work for it. Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (31:55.798)

Yeah, and that could be a huge change to make. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (31:59.997)

Yeah, yeah, that was a lot of time of believing that that’s how things had to work. So give yourself some self-compassion if you feel guilty asking for assistance from somebody. I think we’ve said this before, at least in balance in our coaching community, that the idea that only one person is in charge of a home and a family that you’re all a part of is kind of

JoAnn Crohn (32:10.113)

Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker (32:29.215)

Cuckoo bananas, right? Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (32:30.378)

It is, it is cuckoo. Yes, it’s so much work on one person. So if right now you’re feeling like your husband doesn’t get help out, go through these steps. First of all, make sure the rules are clear and that the roles you want to be in, like that’s an important part. And then once the rules are decided, let those pieces fall. Don’t step in when the ball is dropped and see.

Like what happens and let them experience those negative consequences of the situation. Don’t jump in right away. And then also like make sure that you are open with your feelings and communicating and having that open dialogue where the relationship can evolve because it’s not meant to stay the same forever. It’s not. And if you need it to change, could change. It can change.

Brie Tucker (33:21.759)

Exactly, like.

That’s what just like, yeah, everybody grows. Your kids are not the same kid. Like we give that grace to our children. What my kids were like at four is not what they were like at 11 and it’s not like what they are now at 16, 17. We expect them to grow, so should we. And so should our partners.

JoAnn Crohn (33:31.223)

Everybody grows.

JoAnn Crohn (33:35.17)

Mm-hmm.

JoAnn Crohn (33:42.571)

Exactly.

JoAnn Crohn (33:46.414)

Absolutely.

Brie Tucker (33:49.213)

and that’s why you need to have the conversation. So there are links to all of this that we talked about today in the episode. We’ve got a link to the blog post. We have a link to our balance program. We have a link to our podcast group on Facebook. So by all means, check that stuff out. And you know what else they could do, JoAnn? They could rate and review, rate and review.

JoAnn Crohn (34:08.268)

Mm-hmm. What is that? Absolutely. We greatly appreciate that when you guys review us. So remember, the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker (34:20.425)

Thanks for stopping by.