How NOT to Raise an Entitled Kid: 5 Mistakes to Avoid Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn: It’s so hard to say no to kids and it’s so hard to let them experience that frustration when you don’t respect your own time as much as you respect everybody

Brie Tucker: Yep. And when you, when you show them that, you show them that it’s not just about them, right? It’s about the community. It’s about the whole.

JoAnn Crohn: Welcome to the no guilt mom podcast. I’m your host JoAnn Crohn joined here by the wonderful Brie Tucker

Brie Tucker: Why, hello, hello everybody, how are you?

JoAnn Crohn: We, we get to talk about something today that is such a pain point for parents and it’s entitlement.

Brie Tucker: my gosh, it’s a thing! It’s a thing! Like, it’s like your biggest fear that it’s gonna happen, and at the same time, you’re like, constantly worried that it Is it happening? I’m not aware. Or is it happening? Or am I seeing it? Oh my god. Like, it’s just, it’s one of those things, it’s just, it’s always there.

JoAnn Crohn: Well, it’s also like such an issue too, because we both grew up where we probably have more now and have more resources available to us now than our parents had back when they were raising

Brie Tucker: Oh, yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: So, like, we can give our kids more. We have the means to do that. But with that also, like, they don’t have to experience as much frustration.

And they don’t have to, like, experience waiting for things. Like, I, I think, like, our system of Blockbuster, for instance, where you had to go in on a Friday night and you looked at that new release wall and you were like, Darn it, I didn’t get here in time! Like, all of the videos are gone for the new release I want to see! You know, that doesn’t happen anymore! 

Brie Tucker: I know, that’s funny, like, there are a few things that I think my kids have to deal with that is, like, the pain of Blockbuster, of New Release Night. Very few things.

JoAnn Crohn: I can’t even think of that, like the pain of Blockbuster, or like going to a movie at a theater and having it be sold out, like that doesn’t

Brie Tucker: Yeah. Right? Or getting in time. Like, we need to get there so I can get good seats. That’s like not even a thing anymore. You pick them out like a week in advance. Like, if you decide, okay, that, that’s, I’m going to get on my little soapbox for that one for a minute. there is nothing that frustrates me more than, than like, you cannot decide on a Friday night or a Saturday night that you want to go to the movies. Nope. You had to figure that crap out a week ago. If you wanted to get tickets or seats that weren’t in the front row. Like it’s just,

JoAnn Crohn: that’s

Brie Tucker: it’s ridiculous. Where’s the spur of the moment?

JoAnn Crohn: I know well before it was all like a battle of wills and who could wait it out, because I mean if you wanted to see a movie on new release day, you went to the theater two hours beforehand and you got in that line for that thing. theater and you stood in that line and you waited with everybody else.

And you like, it was kind of fun too, in a way it was kind of an event, you know? And then you, you got in, you, you like made the mad rush for the best seats. And that was it. Like all the planning you had to have was maybe like two hours and now you have to have like a week.

Brie Tucker: Right. Right. And I, it’s, it’s just, it’s crazy. It’s, it’s crazy. So like the whole point of this is that like the fact that our kids are in a society in general, and again, like you said, like there, there’s a difference. Um, everybody has different means everybody’s going to be in different. Levels of this, but all of our kids have access to more than what we did as kids.

And I also think a big part of it too, is that there is this Instagrammable lifestyle that has like turned into this, where it feels like we have to do a bazillion things more for our kids to earn that, that you’re a good mom.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, there’s like all of these additional expectations for sure,

Brie Tucker: So like, and

JoAnn Crohn: for sure. and

Brie Tucker: struggle, then you’re not a good mom. So, oh my god, I gotta, I gotta, I gotta do all this stuff,

JoAnn Crohn: can you believe it?

Brie Tucker: that’s what starts you on this entitlement thing! 

JoAnn Crohn: That’s what starts you. Like if your kids struggle, you’re not a good mom and really that is not the case at all. And so we’re really going to dig into this entitlement thing and how you can ensure that you’re doing really the absolute most so that your kids are not entitled. So let’s get with the show. So Brie, you found five mistakes that people make when it comes to raising kids who, well, raising kids in general, making sure that they’re not entitled. Because that’s really like, we’re all really scared of it. We want our kids to be successful, but we don’t want them to think the world’s going to be handed to them and then quit when the world is obviously not handed to

Brie Tucker: Right? Like, so I think that part of that whole entitlement thing is that like we’re, we’re scared that they’re going to struggle so much that they’re going to fail and not do well and not be able to keep up with their peers. But at the same time, when we keep swooping in And doing everything for them, it gives us the opposite of what they’re, because we’re thinking, oh, we’re going to be helped to be secure and good to go.

And actually, what that does is that teaches them that, oh, I deserve these things just to be handed to me and, or other people should be doing this for me. I shouldn’t be doing it myself, all of which falls under that entitlement. So, yeah, there’s a lot of things that we do meaning well, that ends up doing the exact opposite. So. These are the, so we’re going to start and go over like five mistakes that we commonly make as parents that can very highly potentially lead your child down the road towards entitlement when that’s not what you want. And we’ll tell you what to do instead. So,

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, well, this first mistake is what was like my light bulb moment on entitlement. It was, it was like, Oh, this is actually what entitlement is. And entitlement is really the inability to handle frustration well. So mistake number one is not teaching our kids how to be disappointed. Like that thing you were talking about, the swooping in and saving them.

I mean, just this morning, I, my son bikes to school. Like it’s a 10 minute bike ride for him. It’s not very long. And lately it’s been kind of cold in Arizona standards, like 32 in the morning, his fingers feel a little frigid. They hurt a little bit, as our grandparents would say it’s character building, but like also he has gotten used to being picked up in the car line by me in the afternoon, just cause he has been, it’s been kind of cold and he doesn’t have the right.

Outerwear for it and he’s been hanging out with his friends during that time. And so this morning He’s like mom, like can you pick me up this afternoon? And I’m like, uh, I don’t know Like I’m recording this podcast in the afternoon, bud He’s like, oh I just like I just want to hang out with my friends and I never get to hang out with my friend And he gets really upset and stomps out of the room and immediately like my heart just goes.

Oh The boy just wants to hang out with his friends Friends, what am I doing? Like saying this, cause I could like rearrange things and I was going to stick to it. I was totally going to stick to it. And then I saw on our schedule today that it was we ended at three and he gets out at three 30 and I’m like, you know what?

I can come and I can get you after all. But. I seriously debated back and forth about that because I want him to be able to handle that disappointment while also I want to be able to give him the things that he wants and he, needs and, like, that social connection. I don’t think it’s a bad thing to Give him more time with his friends either, but I also don’t want to be like, yeah Let me like rearrange my whole day and like pick you up from school. I settled on a happy medium. He’s cooking dinner tonight.

Brie Tucker: Okay. At that was the cost for a ride, huh? The fair is that you make dinner.

JoAnn Crohn: yeah, I’m like, well, I’m going to, the reasoning on my part as I was like, well, I need extra time to like get stuff done. But if you make dinner, I can get that stuff done during that time. So that works, but yeah. On the other hand, I’m like, oh, he does not handle disappointment well, like that’s something we need to

Brie Tucker: but it’s something that, that you guys always have worked on. And like, and I feel like it’s, it’s an ongoing thing. So teaching your child to handle disappointment, You know when they’re having a hard time because that’s when those, like, you see, like, the stomping, the tantrums, the whining. It’s like, uh, everything’s not working out the way I want it to. and then also, boredom. That’s a big one, too, right? When kids get bored and then they’re like, entertain me. I’m so bored. Take me here. Let’s go do

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah.

Brie Tucker: Suck it up, buttercup. Like, I

JoAnn Crohn: Suck it up buttercup. 

Brie Tucker: I don’t know what to tell you, man. Like, you’ve got an amazing imagination. There’s a lot of things you can do. I mean, they have to experience it. And like we’ve had on the podcast, Jessica Leahy wrote the amazing book The Gift of Failure because we have to let our kids have disappointment. We have to let them fail so that they can learn to handle it and move on.

JoAnn Crohn: But it’s not fun. It’s not fun, Brie. It’s not fun. I don’t like it. It does suck. And it’s like, it’s also the point where you can’t give, , those one liners that our parents gave to us. And I suddenly, like, have so much more understanding for, like, oh, you have to be bored. Oh, that makes sense. You’re a boring person. That was my dad favorite 

Brie Tucker: Oh my god, really?

JoAnn Crohn: He got it from the Cosby show, which now it’s like he got it from the Cosby show.

Brie Tucker: some, that’s some, some.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, that’s what he used to say to me and my

Brie Tucker: Oh my gosh.

JoAnn Crohn: So we never said I’m bored around him. But it’s it’s also so difficult because like you can’t give those one liners because you do want that relationship with your kids and you want to tell them like, yeah, I totally understand where you’re coming from. And this is a really good thing for you to figure out. I, I’m gonna step back here, and this is a really good thing for

Brie Tucker: It is, it is. Okay, so I want to jump into mistake number two because you kind of already touched on it. So mistake number two is not being clear about your own boundaries as parent or probably, if you’re listening, as the mom. Right? So like we tend to put everybody. First and so many of us do that. Right. And you were having that internal. So like when you were talking about it with him, you’re like, Oh, he’s sad. Like I could just, you know, I’d have to rearrange my day, but I could do that. And.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. I could take away his sadness, and really, would it be too much work for me? Am I really, am I really making this as big of a deal as it needs to be? Like, that’s my internal monologue all the time.

Brie Tucker: Yeah, exactly. So like you holding and telling him like, okay, so your boundary is that I need to get work done. If, if I move this, then I need somebody to pick up this here in the afternoon. Like that was a really clear boundary. Like I need this time. How’s that going to happen if I’m coming to get you?

So that was really. Yeah. Okay. Fantastic! How’d that work? And you were, and I love how you, like, even gave them the time frame, too, because that, like, helps make it even clearer for them of, like, what the boundary is. Like, this is, the one thing that starts a fight with my teens is the flat out no’s. If I can’t, if I, they just want to hear why. So, go on. Sorry.

JoAnn Crohn: what can I be, if I could be a little honest, honestly, like me explaining it is probably a lot more clearer than it was in person.

Brie Tucker: okay. Mm

JoAnn Crohn: You know what it is, you know how you are, you’re like, yeah, like, and I, and I got him to agree to certain things and like the whole dinner thing was he was supposed to make dinner last night and he didn’t feel like it.

And honestly, I didn’t feel like pushing him because I didn’t feel like it either. So, um, he, like, he knows that’s on his plate already today. And I made sure, like, you know, and these dishes on the counter on your plate. But it’s true. Like, it’s so hard to say no to kids and it’s so hard to let them experience that frustration when you don’t respect your own time as much as you respect everybody

Brie Tucker: Yep. And when you, when you show them that, you show them that it’s not just about them, right? It’s about the community. It’s about the whole. Which most of us, that’s what we want our kids to be aware of. We want them to be aware of the collective, and like your family, your community, and that’s it. And when we start by self sacrificing everything, then they’re learning it is all about them.

JoAnn Crohn: it’s very true. That is actually a great like mic drop right there on how to be a model and not to be a martyr because when you are a martyr, you’re encouraging entitlement. You’re making it all about your kids and showing them that no one else exists in life but them. So we are going to get into mistake number three right after this break.

So entitlement and kids, one of the other big mistakes, this is our mistake number three, is not giving them enough responsibility, not making things fall on them and letting them experience the consequences, that’s a big discussion in the parenting world, especially among like, Parents who are used to this authoritarian way of dealing with things who are like, Oh my gosh, you weren’t ready for school in time.

That’s it. You’re grounded. No, no friends this afternoon. you think of consequences as something that you have to enact when really like. By us jumping in and taking care of our kids and saving them, we’re actually not letting them experience those natural consequences that we have nothing to do with whatsoever.

Brie Tucker: I mean, it, the, uh, a big part of the responsibility that I see happens a ton. At, especially in the. Roles of, like, our moms and our, and our kids is that we tend to take on doing so much, so much, like, even though we have, in our household, like, I have 2 teens. So everybody’s capable of helping out quite a bit.

but If I forgot to do meal planning or figure I forgot to tell somebody who was cooking that night, I’ll just automatically feel like it’s my responsibility to cook because I didn’t come up with the meal plan and I didn’t tell whoever it was. It was their turn because they were home that night from work, which my kids darn well know if they are home from work.

They are probably cooking. because. They have like plenty of those nights where they’re working, but I mean, the, the part of that is, is that having them have that responsive, there’s no reason at all needs to fall on me. And as moms, we take on so much of it. Like we’ll do the bulk of the house cleaning.

We do the bulk of that, like cooking and all of that stuff, because we feel like it’s better for us to do it. Why our kids are messy. They take too long. They wind and they complain, get it. I get it. And it sucks in the moment, right? It just sucks. But they learn , they learn that they have to contribute. We’re back to the contributing to a group.

JoAnn Crohn: They do like to play a little devil’s advocate here because I’ve often thought about it me and like something you said just made me think that I may be thinking this way, but like, could it be that we also kind of suffer from an exaggerated sense of self where we think that we can handle all the things and other people can’t, for instance, I’m thinking specifically of, From my daughter, because like, I have tried to get that girl to contribute to the meal plan every single week and every single week she will list off everything that she is stressed about, everything that she has to do, and how she will just not be able to do the meal planning and I let her slide like every

Brie Tucker: sounds like another one of my kids,

JoAnn Crohn: I know how, I know how stressful high school can be, and I know how stressful it is, but also, my life isn’t not stressful. I do

Brie Tucker: exactly. Right. And I’m gonna, I’m gonna push back on that one because of the kid that that reminds me of. The kid that that reminds me of has high anxiety in my family and that kiddo, right? And that kiddo, if you don’t tell them, I hear you bud. You got a lot going on. But I still need you to adhere to this. They will, they will huff, they will puff, they’ll throw, they’ll throw,

a few things around, but then they’ll do it. And then again, what does that do? That gives them a feel, like, once they’re able to do it, they’re gonna get better at it, they’re gonna learn how to juggle their schedule, right? Of all the responsibilities. And they’re going to be able to look back at it and be like, Oh, I am capable of doing X, Y, and Z. Not just X and Y.

JoAnn Crohn: No, you’re totally right, and I think I just had my own therapy moment here. Because, like, it made me it made me realize that I am scared of this child’s reaction. Like,

Brie Tucker: I have been there, girl. I feel ya. I feel ya. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: it’s it’s so nice when you have, like,

Brie Tucker: Not yelling.

JoAnn Crohn: used to a very emotional rollercoaster, and it’s going really well, and you don’t want to, like Rock, you know the emotions at all and get the screaming and so you’re just trying to keep the peace But you’re you’re you’re not doing the best for everybody else. So I have a feeling I’m doing that I’m doing that I just don’t want I don’t want the eruption

Brie Tucker: Yeah. So then like, what I would do is I would plan an exit strategy. So I almost always like, yeah, I almost always would like go to my husband and be like, all right, I’m going to say this. I need you to come in if he starts to go here, so that way I can walk out quietly. Because otherwise, I will jump up to there with him, and it’ll be screaming. So, like, it, it, so yeah, that was my exit strategy.

JoAnn Crohn: I have a feeling I’m gonna do a tap out I’m gonna do a tap out. I’m gonna talk with my husband beforehand. I’m like, we need them. We need them to do the meal. And he’s gonna be like, of course we do. And agree with it, because he eats all good with that. And I’m like, and I’m out!

Brie Tucker: look at that. I got a, I got a facial. Gotta go. Buh bye. So yeah, so it teaches so the point of giving them the responsibility, it teaches them that they can do it, it gives them a sense of self worth and accomplishment, and they learn how to juggle. Because life is not gonna get easier, it’s only gonna get harder.

JoAnn Crohn: it is. Oh my gosh, I just thought of another one. Oh my gosh, instantaneous migraine! Gotta go lay down!

Brie Tucker: Oh, there you go! Everybody quiet! Ice! I need a big bottle of spa water! Leave me alone.

JoAnn Crohn: Such a migraine. Such a migraine. I can’t deal with these emotions right now.

Brie Tucker: with me. I’ll dispatch you. You’ll take

JoAnn Crohn: I’ll just bet you we’ll go cuddle. Let’s put some Netflix on.

Brie Tucker: Yes. Yes, it does!

JoAnn Crohn: And that kind of leads us into mistake number four, which

Brie Tucker: Like, okay, so mistake number four is that you probably are not modeling the behavior that you want your kids to use. So,

JoAnn Crohn: Say what?

Brie Tucker: say, what? Accommodating? Constantly? Doing everything because you feel like that’s your job because you’re the mom and a good mom would sacrifice every bit of her life? For her kids? Do you want your kids to live that life or do you want, or worse yet, worse yet, like, and I always like go back to this, like my oldest, my son, when we, he was younger, like elementary, right before I, we got divorced, I remember he started having these like behaviors were like, he wouldn’t help out with doing anything around the house.

Like the boy would literally pick up his plate and put it next to the sink. And walk away. And I’d be like, what are you doing? He’d be like, well, girls are the ones that clean, not boys. And I’m like, excuse me? Well, dad, no, do not bring dad in this conversation. No, he’s so lucky. Dad was not nearby. I was, I probably would have chucked the plate at his head.

So anyway, the point is, is that like, when we’re doing these things, we’re like, we, we sacrifice, we’re teaching our kids that. That the role is for mom to do everything and not for them to take on anything themselves, or mom and dad are supposed to fix everything, or like, you know, we talked about in one of our podcast episodes, cover the sky. Like, it’s,

JoAnn Crohn: cover this, yeah, you can’t cover the sky, you have to let it rain on

Brie Tucker: And they got to learn how to communicate it too, right? They got to

JoAnn Crohn: yep, exactly, exactly, like not modeling the behavior you want to see is so hard because I am, I am queen of the temper tantrums. I could totally do a temper tantrum if I don’t get my way. I don’t do it often. Anymore and um, I don’t know what I mean.

But I mean, when, like, When you’re an older child, for instance, you’re pretty used to getting things your way. You’re, I mean, I, I’m pretty, pretty adept at getting my sister to do things and I’m, you know, that’s just kind of the older child whims. So I didn’t have much experience in that frustration stuff and come to being an adult, I feel like, I don’t know, I don’t have a very strong patience. And Brie, you’re like, yeah, I get that. I see that.

Brie Tucker: As a strong patience, trust me, like, you know that, like, I have a low level of tolerance of frustration, especially when I’m stressed. It comes out a lot. Girl, we’re going to do a whole nother episode of Brie’s pretty sure she’s like, uh, pre menopausal right now. Like, don’t even, that’s a secondary, that’s going to be another podcast episode here in a week. Yeah. But I

JoAnn Crohn: That’s all the things. Well, we have one more mistake for you after this break. fifth mistake Gosh, this one’s a big one. Is the having unrealistic expectations for your children Thinking that they should handle things Well all the time and not be upset with any disappointment

Brie Tucker: right? Like, and you just said that, like, in the last mistake about modeling behavior, like, even we as adults have a hard time keeping our expectations in check and keeping our reactions in check. So why would we expect our kids that are probably anywhere from 20 to 40 years younger than us? Why do we expect them to be able to hold their. You know, stuffed together all the time. life is a struggle.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, it is and the thing is is it’s not made any better by shame Like I can think of a specific instance where we I went to Las Vegas with my family I was 18 years old and I was had been in college for a year already. I was living out away from my

Brie Tucker: That’s why it’s hard coming back.

JoAnn Crohn: It’s hard coming back and we had a timeshare right on the other side of the strip and all I wanted to do is I’m like, yeah, like everyone’s resting right now. I just want to go out and walk like I want to go out and walk and they’re like, no, Joanne, you can’t do that. I’m like, what are you saying? Like I live on my own. I live in the dorms. Like this is ridiculous. And they were just coming back with this big no. And I. Collapsed on the floor as an 18 year old and my grandma was there too and because I, I was just like all the emotions flooded through me and I had no idea how to combat them that they can totally consume me and I went down on the floor and I remember my grandma saying, I expected more from you, Joanne,

Brie Tucker: Oh my god!

JoAnn Crohn: But I mean, that stayed with me forever and I’m like, Oh, what did I do there? Like, and it didn’t help me handle the emotions any better. In fact, like it probably led me to bottle up the emotions inside even more. Cause I mean, I, I have severe anxiety that I’m currently under treatment for. And It’s just when we have those unrealistic expectations of people and we see people crumble like that, and especially our kids when they’re much younger.

And I mean, I would say at 18, the prefrontal cortex isn’t even formed completely yet. So I’m going to give myself a pass there. and the shame doesn’t help. And when we think that people should have it together all the time, it doesn’t help them. And it doesn’t help us because we’re going to be constantly disappointed in them if we have those expectations.

Brie Tucker: how do they feel about themselves? Oh crap. I can’t do it. Oh crap. I really suck. I don’t have the skill. So you’re setting them up to to have the inability to realize that they can do it on their own and that they have that ability to, did I just say safety twice? I think I did. But yeah, like they’re gonna make mistakes.

They’re gonna screw up. you have to like, you have to, our job is not to fix it. And I love that too. Cause like earlier this week we had a thing where like you messaged me about something that was down and I immediately like, well, what about this? And you’re like, I don’t need you to fix it. I just need you to be here with me. And I’m like, Oh, okay. I can do that. Right.

JoAnn Crohn: So here’s the thing, here’s the thing with fixing it for people. Is because usually, people have already thought of all of the situations. Like they’ve already thought of like all of the solutions and all of the possible things. And ruled it out for one time, for one thing or another. And, When we try to fix things, it’s creating more of a mental load in that person, but now them, like they have their pain, but now they also have to defend as to they already thought of that.

And there’s like, it’s something that is like they don’t want to do, you know? and so like just sitting in the pain with your kid and just sitting like there and be like, Oh, this sucks. this is really, really disappointing. And I’m so sorry. It can’t work out for you is. So much more impactful, than trying to make it better for them.

Brie Tucker: Right, and you can be there to support them to problem solve, like, what are some things you think that you can do? And like you just said, sometimes you’re in, in a spot where you can immediately start problem solving and sometimes you’re not. You need to work through the emotions first and then you can problem solve.

So again, that comes to having realistic expectations. Don’t expect your kid to like have major disappointment and immediately come up with 16 gazillion solutions. And be peppy and excited about them. Like, it,

JoAnn Crohn: Oh yeah, no, because when you’re, and when you’re working through the emotions like that, if you were my parent and you came up to me and like, okay, what are some things you can do? I’d be like, cause you’re not , you’re not there. You’re not there. You’re like not there to use your, the logical portion of your brain.

So like, if you try to problem solve with your kids in that moment, and they have that reaction, know that it’s completely normal. And they’ve just given you in the indication of where they are on the problem solving scale. That’s the back away. And I’m going to let you calm down. That’s the problem solving

Brie Tucker: I always go straight to that Homer Simpson gif of him, like, walking back quietly into the bushes. There you go.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, yeah, because like it’s it’s two different things like either your emotions are really really high and you’re just going through them Or when they’re lower than that prefrontal cortex can come back on line and help you think through the issue But you can’t do you can’t do both at once

Brie Tucker: so those are your five mistakes to avoid. Try to, and if you found yourself saying, Oh crap, I do that. Oh crap, I do that. No worries. We all do.

JoAnn Crohn: think we just we both admitted that we do all of them as well right now. So you’re in good

Brie Tucker: It happens sometimes. So then the whole point of it is like, all right, I just did that yesterday. I’m going to try to start doing this tomorrow or this today. Like it’s just, it just, it’s just a little tweak, little tweak, and

JoAnn Crohn: It’s just And it’s becoming more conscious of it. Yeah. Cause when you’re conscious of it, you’re able to make changes, but if you don’t even know it’s happening, well, you don’t even know to change it in the first place. So that’s, that’s the way that’s the way this is the way I go into Mandalorian theme music

Brie Tucker: so if you love this episode, would you do us the hugest favor? Would you go on and maybe, you know, give us a little low rate review. Just a little love, share us with your best friend, you know, tell others about the no guilt mom podcast, because, we are, our, where our goal is to get out to more and more moms out there. Cause we know you’re all out there. We know you are.

JoAnn Crohn: And if you haven’t subscribed yet, please subscribe. So we’re in your little podcast player every Tuesday and Thursday. And with that, the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker: Thanks for stopping by.

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