Podcast Episode 325: From Ball Sacks to Boundaries: Reclaiming the Holidays Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I am your host JoAnn Crohn, joined here by the lovely Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker

Why, hello, hello birthday girl. We are recording this on JoAnn’s birthday. Whoop whoop!

JoAnn Crohn

It is my birthday.

Yes, whoop whoop another year older, 43 years old. And I hope wiser. I am wiser. I actually love getting older. I really don’t care like about mentioning my age, like every age I am. I’m very proud of it. So.

Brie Tucker

Ha…

I don’t have a problem with getting older. I have a problem with remembering my age is my problem.

JoAnn Crohn
Yeah, because you never tell people your age. Like as an adult, you would usually never tell people your age. As a kid, you’re asked all the time, like, how old are you? How old are you?

Brie Tucker
Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker
Three-quarters. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn
Yep. We just did a Thanksgiving turkey trot in our neighborhood and we were walking past this family, and there were two little girls. And of course, I’m like, how old are you? And she’s like six. I’m like, so you’re in kindergarten. She’s like, I’ve been in kindergarten. I love talking to little kids. They’re so direct and so lovely.

In this episode, we are talking about all of the crazy, I’m going to say it, shit we’ve done for our kids over the years for the holidays and boundaries that we’ve drawn over the years as well that we just don’t do this anymore. And I think it’s such an important thing to talk about because you are not stuck in this holiday overwhelm. You do not need to take on all the things. It is okay to say no. And we hope that our stories inspire you to say no a little bit this holiday season.

Brie Tucker
Exactly. We are going to push back against all the schiznit that we as moms are just expected to freaking do. And you and I have been talking a lot this morning about this and I have a lot to say about all of the crap. When do we get to stop doing it? When do we get to say, you know what, enough’s enough? Like you should be able to create your own holiday magic.

JoAnn Crohn
Oh my gosh, exactly.

JoAnn Crohn
Exactly. You should be able to decide what you want to do, and we’re going to help you do that throughout this episode. So let’s get on with the show.

INTRO MUSIC

JoAnn Crohn
So, Brie, like in the past, the holidays have always been rather overwhelming for me. I have not looked forward to them. I felt pressure actually from them. Like, you know me, I don’t really like stuff. Like, stuff overwhelms me. Just having possessions overwhelms me. Like even for my birthday, I’m like, please don’t get me stuff. Don’t get me stuff. Like I want to go out. I want to have fun with friends. I want to laugh.

Brie Tucker
I want the experiences!

JoAnn Crohn
Yeah, like eat good food, all of those things, like not the stuff. And so I associate the holiday season and Christmas with just so much stuff.

Brie Tucker
It’s a fair association. It is. Like that’s the problem I’m having with decorating my house right now. I normally love decorating. And who normally instigates the decorating in the house? Like your kids might instigate it in the sense of, like, is our tree up? I’d love to see the holiday lights, blah blah. Where’s Fred? Where’s whatever that your spawn from hell of an elf on the shelf is named.

JoAnn Crohn
Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker
Yeah, ours was Fred, but I digress. And I have a funny story about Fred. But anywho, like, it seems like even if your kids are the ones that are like, can we put up the decorations? It’s still normally, I would say, a lot of times mom that has to like figure out the mental load of it. Right?

JoAnn Crohn
Yes. I know the spawn from hell. Ours is named Jack. Yes, I know the spawn from hell.

Brie Tucker
It is totally. Yeah. And it’s, you feel all that pressure too. Even if, like, I’m at the point where I’ve decided, you know, I want to enjoy the holidays. In fact, I read this article, I think it was in The New York Times, about this couple who moved overseas, and they were in the Czech Republic. And they say holidays are so much different here because it’s not the whole pressure to buy, buy, buy and spend, spend, spend.

Rather, it’s like, you know, you go out with your friends to a pub, and you have mulled cider and mulled wine by the fireplace, and you’re all bundled up. It feels like such holiday cheer and togetherness. And the person they profiled in the article also said that she’s not such a Grinch overseas as she was in America. I’m like, that totally makes sense because when I think back to my childhood, Christmas was magical.

Brie Tucker
Right?

JoAnn Crohn
Because I wasn’t expected to do anything. I was just expected to enjoy the season.

Brie Tucker
Exactly.

JoAnn Crohn

Yeah, yeah, that’s what I think. So this year I actually bought new lights for the front of our house that I do need to go put up because I bought them on Amazon. They’re LED lights that I can change colors with a remote. And I’m very excited.

Brie Tucker 

Are they like the all year lights? Are you gonna have them up all year long?

JoAnn Crohn 

I don’t know, I have to find a way to screw them into the awning. It’s like stucco and metal up there. So I’ve always had trouble.

Brie Tucker 

Okay, I love you, but you live in the epitome of the, we’ll put up your Christmas lights neighborhood. Like the area you live in, there’s at least throw a rock and you’ll hit someone who’s willing to put up your Christmas lights for like a hundred bucks.

JoAnn Crohn 

I know, yeah. Probably. mean, our neighborhood does have the holiday Christmas light competition. I mean, there’s some houses that are decked out. Decked out. One has animatronic reindeer that scare my dog every time we go past it. Yeah, it’s like.

Brie Tucker 

Okay, I’ll have to make a video of like a Max von Acorgi decor that just scared the but GGs out of him yesterday. So I’ll have to videotape it for you and put it up on No Guilt Mom Instagram.

JoAnn Crohn

Yes! definitely. But like something else that stressed me out about the holidays is all the gifts for everybody. Because again, like I am not a gift person. so like people in the family will call me and thankfully, since my kids are now 11 and 16 about, they take care of their own gift list. So like the aunts, like my sister, my sister-in-law, notice it’s the aunts who are following up, will just

Brie Tucker 

Hahaha!

JoAnn Crohn 

note, we’ll contact them for, what kind of gifts do you want this Christmas? And so my daughter makes a gift list and my son makes a gift list. And my daughter then criticizes my son’s gift list because he’s like, I don’t know what I want for Christmas. So he puts five things on there. One of them is a $1,500 go-cart, which no way is he getting from anybody. And so my daughter…

Brie Tucker 

Mm-hmm.

Aww. Where did he come up with a $1,500 go-kart? I know that wasn’t like just randomly rolling around in your neighborhood.

JoAnn Crohn 

It’s like one of the gift lists. It’s one of the gift list apps. And so like they just pick pictures and like it goes on the.

Brie Tucker 

Wait, wait, there’s a gift list app? I did not know this.

JoAnn Crohn 

There is, I think it’s called Wink, W-I-N-C or something like that. It’s one that my daughter uses and she taught my son to use and that’s what they will send a link to all the family members of their gift list. And so then family members can like check it off when that gift has been purchased and they won’t get any like doubles.

Brie Tucker 

This been my whole life?!

JoAnn Crohn 

They found it themselves. And it was like, it’s actually one of those things where when you take yourself out of the situation, your kids will find out ingenious ways of doing things that you have no part of. And it’s actually a great and miraculous thing. Now, I don’t know what I’m going to do for like my nephews when we have to buy them gifts. Usually I just buy my nephews. Like I’ll be talking to them. I’ll be like, what do you want? What’s going on with you right now? Okay. And I’ll buy them like something like fun.

Brie Tucker 

They’re young.

JoAnn Crohn

I just want to take him somewhere. think I’ll do that with them. But it’s, yeah, I’m not good with gifts. Gifts, I don’t like giving them. I like taking people places and spending time with them. And gifts make me crazy.

Brie Tucker

I think that you are 100 % right there. Gifts are the bane of my existence. And again, my family, we’re on the older side. So I have my sister’s kids, so my nephews, all nephews, they go between ages 24 down to age 14. And that’s what I have for gifts. And I’m like, listen.

I asked my sisters the other day, is there gonna be an age where the nephews might eventually age out of gifts? Because it’s getting harder and harder to come up with gifts for my 24, 22, 21 year old nephews that are all in college that like, just want money to go out. Like that’s all that they want. And it’s like, they don’t really want anything per se anymore. And my son every year is like, don’t buy me anything. I don’t need anything. I’m good. Like he just, and it’s not that he’s like this great saint. Let me just tell you that first of all, he’s just a kid that like, you could even ask him like, if you went on a magical all expenses paid trip, where would you go? He’s like my bedroom. I would just go to my bedroom. He’s a homebody. He doesn’t like a lot of fancy stuff. So anyway, my point be, and both of my sisters were like,

JoAnn Crohn

Yeah.

He likes his home he likes his home

Brie Tucker 

I think the kids need notice on that. I’m all like, all right. Because we also do a white elephant in our family. So I have to do two white elephants per person. And in the past, I’ve always bought everybody’s white elephant gifts. And I’m not doing that this year because both my kids have jobs. They both have vehicles and a license. You’re doing your own white elephant gifts this year. You’re buying them yourselves. You’re going to participate. I’m not doing anymore. But I’m just, I’m so tired of people putting things. And my mom’s doing the same thing to me. Mom.

JoAnn Crohn 

Yeah!

Brie Tucker

If you’re listening to this, I love you, but stop asking me what I want for Christmas, because what I want for Christmas is new flooring in my house, and that’s not exactly something you can put under the tree.

JoAnn Crohn 

Yeah, yeah, it’s the gift giving is just it’s gone so insane. I don’t want to do it anymore. Like I do feel like a Grinch and I don’t want to feel like a Grinch. I want to be happy. I want to like I don’t want to feel put out and I don’t think gifts really contribute to that Christmas magic feeling because I mean what happens when you give your kids like gifts that like they don’t really want but you wanted to put something under the tree. They’ll open it up and they’ll be like,

Brie Tucker 

Right?!

JoAnn Crohn

cool. And then it’ll just stay there. And you’re like, why did I go through all this?

Brie Tucker 

And like, what’s up with that? Does anybody else out there have a little bit of shame that comes in? And you’re just like, where the hell did the shame come from? When you look under your tree and you’re like, because like, maybe like Brie, you made a conscious effort to not buy too many gifts because you’re just like, it, like you, like you’ve already said many times, JoAnn, it’s just extra stuff for your house. I live in a three story townhouse, like we only have so much space and then we start to run out of space for things. So like, I just, I will look under the tree and be like, well there’s only like 10 gifts. It’s not like it was when they were little and it like filled up the entire living room. Well, yeah, that’s because I could wrap up like six Barbie dolls and my kid was so happy.

JoAnn Crohn 

Yeah.Yeah.

Brie Tucker 

Now, like one of those gifts under there is like a Tiffany necklace and you’re like, Sheeez!

JoAnn Crohn 

But more gifts does not mean more happiness. Like, it doesn’t mean more love.

Brie Tucker 

Yes, and it doesn’t mean more love. Your love is not quantitative by items, unlike my teenage daughter likes to try to say that her love language is Dutch Bros. So.

JoAnn Crohn 

Yeah. Well, I think that we’ve all been kind of trained by consumerism, first of all, that you need to buy, buy, buy, buy, and you need to get like the best thing for the person on your list to make them feel special, to make them feel loved. And I think that’s the narrative going through all of our heads with this gift thing. And it’s just not true. The thing that makes people special and feel loved is to be listened to, be with them, be validated.

Brie Tucker

Mm-hmm.

It is. You’re right.

JoAnn Crohn

And nothing of that has to do with a gift. Nothing. So you do not have to buy all the gifts this year. like don’t don’t buy them. In fact, like one of the things, you know, we’ve talked about before is experiences and family get togethers. Well, guys, like we’re also kind of tired about being the whole keeper of that one as well. And we’re going to get into that right after this.

Brie Tucker 

Nothing. So it’s okay.

I still really want to share my story about my elf at some point. And we should also talk about how Eric wanted your elf there, but then was like, I don’t want to do it myself.

JoAnn Crohn 

yeah, yeah, we could do the holiday.

JoAnn Crohn 

Well, yeah, yeah. Okay, so this family get-togethers thing during the holidays. I love, love seeing everybody, but I have to say, like, it gets a little insane during December. In fact, like, we’re recording this on my birthday, and I have foregone our birthday lunch with Josh’s side of the family because I’m just like, it’s so much stuff and so much together.

and so many like going out to dinner at some place that I don’t really want to go to and getting people there and all the kids who don’t want to be there. And so I’m like, no, we’re not going to do this anymore. And another thing is like, so we’re taking over Christmas Eve this year. And we had just told by my, by some family members that they would not be joining us this year, which is fine. And I’m like, that’s

Brie Tucker

Yeah.

Hahaha

JoAnn Crohn

That’s awesome for them. I feel good for them. I feel like that’s a really great decision for them to take back more of their time. Now, I still love seeing family and I do not do this on my own. My husband is actually the one who’s like, hey, he coordinated, let’s host Christmas Eve this year. He’s going to be the one being like, okay, what should we do Christmas Eve? That sort of stuff. It is not me because there’s already too much stuff going on in my head with three birthdays this month and all the holiday stuff and I just can’t do it. So like if you’re feeling the same way out there where it is just too many get togethers, it is okay to say no and to back out, especially if some family get togethers. Like if you’re running yourself ragged to be at one side of the family’s house during the morning and one side of the family’s house in the evening and you have no time at all to actually sit and enjoy and relax, I mean, ding ding, that’s a sign.

Say no to one of them and do it for you. Do it for you because if your family doesn’t understand, they do not know the importance of boundaries. They don’t. They don’t know it.

Brie Tucker 

No. It’s rough, it really is. Like luckily I don’t, yeah, I haven’t had that thing. It’s always been, you were talking before about how like your family, you guys were talking about like splitting holidays and stuff. And we always spent Thanksgiving with my first husband’s family. And then Christmas Eve was always with my family. And his family was always invited. We lived in different states.

But they were always invited if they wanted to come and hang out with us for Christmas. They are welcome to come to Christmas Eve at my family’s house. And it’s a big thing, and it’s still a requirement. We still have to do Christmas Eve with my family. I do think that my whole family is, everybody’s down with that. Because like I said, we’re all in our 20s. Well, wait, not us. I’m not an us of the 20s. we have, we.

JoAnn Crohn 

Yeah. All the kids.

Brie Tucker

Yeah, yeah, we have all older people that are part of our get together, but I can’t imagine trying to do more than one in a day. That would drive me bonkers. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn 

wouldn’t like, yeah. And I mean, even tradition, I, I’m okay breaking tradition once in a while. Like the elf, the spawn of Satan. Yes. We’ve done, we did elf so many years in this year, the elf did not come out. And my son, my 11 year old, hasn’t found him or anything yet. He was just like, so is Jack not coming this year? And I mean, usually Jack comes on Black Friday and this was like December 1st, he’s asking this question. I’m like,

Brie Tucker 

Like the elf? Like the spawn from Satan himself? The elf?

What did your son say when he found him?

JoAnn Crohn 

Nope, don’t think he is. And then I turn to him, I’m like, you know who does Jack, right? And he’s like, yeah, I know. I just find it fun to like look at and look for him each morning. And I’m like, you could do Jack. He’s like, no, it’s too much work.

Brie Tucker

Yeah, exactly. I love how he realizes that it’s too much work for him, but it’s more than adequate. Like it’s not that much for you, mom, because you’re creative like that. you, trust me, my daughter is great. And my son does it sarcastically, but my daughter does it like actually trying to convince me that I have gifts and that that’s why.

JoAnn Crohn 

Too much work. Yes!

Brie Tucker

I can do it and she can’t. And I’m like, no, no, it’s just called you all just are perfectly fine with letting me take on the mental load and I have for many years and I’m done. I’m so done. I tried to keep that spawn from Satan outside of my house. I tried so hard. And then what happened? What happened? I distinctly will remember this day. it can go down in like the flames of my memory. I remember my daughter, it was her sixth. birthday, sixth birthday, we went to Toys R Us to do her birthday shopping because we always would do that because you know, Bree, if there’s a freebie, we’re there. So we would go to Toys R Us and you got like, I forget what it was, like 10 bucks in credit or something for shopping on your birthday and a balloon and a little tiara. And she was going through the store and she found that little butt head, found a off season clearance.

JoAnn Crohn

Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker freaking elf on the shelf. She bought it in July, the little punk, and then brought it, and I couldn’t say no. She’s like, my gosh, is this where the elf from the shelf comes from? And I’m like, yeah, it comes, yeah, yeah, I guess, yeah, you can buy them at the store and then they come visit you at your house. And I was just like, son of a bitch. And that was the beginning of the end of it for me. I think I only did it.

JoAnn Crohn 

she did this in July too, my gosh.

Brie Tucker

I’m trying to think until she was like nine or 10 and I was like, I am done. And I would forget all the time to move that stupid little elf, especially when I was divorced. It was just me and I only had them every other week. So I only had to move them every other week. But then the kids would start asking for pictures. just don’t. advice as seasoned parents are don’t do the elf. It’s not worth it. And I’m stuck on an advent calendar too, because my mom made us all advent calendars.

JoAnn Crohn 

Mm-hmm.It’s just so much. It’s so much.

Brie Tucker 

We had these growing up and it’s a holiday magic advent calendar where you have to put a slit of paper into every day and there has to be something to do every day, which was great when you were broke and you had little kids. You’re like, okay, today we’re gonna drink hot chocolate. Tomorrow we’re gonna watch Rudolph on TV. So was like back in those days where it was like, it’s on NBC today. We’re gonna watch it kind of thing.

Yeah, it just, it does nothing but piss me off and exhaust me now. And I asked my kids if they would help out this year at the Advent and they were like, no, you’re so much better at it, mom. I don’t know what to put in there. So they want it. They just don’t want to have to have a part of it.

JoAnn Crohn 

See? Yeah.

See, I always had the pre-made advent calendars with the chocolates in them in our house. Yeah, I bought, and my daughter was asking for an advent calendar. And because I’m a slave to Instagram ads, I saw one for Gilmore Girls advent calendar. And she was very into Gilmore Girls. Like now she’s into Gossip Girl. But Gilmore Girls was her thing until she got through all of the episodes. And so I got her a Gilmore Girls advent calendar. And she’s enjoying that every day. And she says she opens it up every day and she looks it in. That’s like her little.

Brie Tucker 

I think those are great, yeah.

Okay.

JoAnn Crohn 

her little Christmas charm. But like at the same time, like even though I’ve stepped back from a lot of these things, is there guilt there? Yeah, there’s some guilt there because I feel like it’s, I should be doing all this magic thing, but my logical brain says no. In fact, what if one of our friends, Sarah Dean posted something about her going away for her birthday and how she doesn’t feel mom guilt because mom guilt is basically a construction by the patriarchy to make women feel small.

and to stop them from standing out and doing things for themselves. And I’m like, ooh, yeah. And so she doesn’t feel the bomb guilt. And I’m like, ooh, Sarah, I’m going to remember this one because I think she’s right. Dads don’t feel guilt. Yeah.

Brie Tucker 

That’s so true!

Yeah, I’m gonna try to keep that going. Yeah, that’s a good tip to remember. So.

JoAnn Crohn 

Yeah, because could you imagine if women didn’t feel guilt? What would happen in this world?

Brie Tucker 

my god. We’d all be men. What? I didn’t- what? Who said that? Who said that as they walked by?

Brie Tucker 

It was Max! I neutered puppy.

JoAnn Crohn 

But like going through this holiday season, just think of that. Think of how the guilt is really something that holds you back and makes you small and keeps you in the role, which if you’re not happy in that role, you don’t have to be in that role anymore. And yeah, there are some downsides. Yeah, you will feel some guilt.

Brie Tucker 

like some ball sacks on your tree, but you know.

JoAnn Crohn 

I think that’s an upside, honestly, Brie. I would say that’s a bonus. That is hilarious. That would make me laugh so hard every day. Every day. I mean, but that’s my sense of humor. My son, my 11-year-old son sends me stuff and he’s like, we were really laughing about this and it was a math problem. And I don’t know why they named.

Brie Tucker 

Wait, you added that on the bonus column? Because that was in a con column for me.

Brie Tucker 

God.

JoAnn Crohn 

this person this. must be a name in another culture, but it’s S-M-A-R-T-A-S. I think it’s pronounced smartest, but it looks like smart ass.

Brie Tucker 

gotta say, it looks like smart ass as I’m writing this out.

JoAnn Crohn 

It looks like smart ass. Yeah. So, I mean, that’s our humor. If they did that to our tree, I would laugh so hard. In fact, I’m going to take pictures of me in front of the tree and be like.

Brie Tucker 

I do find it funny, but I would have preferred for them to have done the tree the way I wanted it. I’ll have to, you know what, that’ll be another thing we’ll add to the No Guilt Mom Instagram. Go check it out. I will have a picture of what my tree normally looks like and then what it looks like with the ball sack decorations this year.

JoAnn Crohn 

No. I will put it up, I’ll put it up when you delegate, you know, like the results are different than you expected. I love it. So make sure you take care of you this holiday season, really check in with yourself, see what you really want to do, but, you really don’t want to do, and take it from there. And remember the best mom’s a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker 

Thanks for stopping by.