Podcast Episode 291: 4 Ways You Can Rekindle Your Sexual Spark: From Meh to Magic Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

Brie Tucker: if you’re not getting enough rest, that not only are you tired, but that it also decreases your body’s ability to produce hormones that are needed for everything, for stress resilience, for your libido, for like all of that.

JoAnn Crohn: Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I am your host, JoAnn Crohn, joined here by the lovely Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker: Why, hello, hello, everybody, how are you?

JoAnn Crohn: And if you didn’t know by the title, we’re talking about sex today.

Brie Tucker: We’re talking about sex, baby. We’re talking about you and me. We’re talking about all the good things and the bad Oh, come on, man.

JoAnn Crohn: yeah, but otherwise known as if our teenage daughters weren’t embarrassed by what we did before. Now

Brie Tucker: Oh, God.

JoAnn Crohn: nail into the coffin. It’s so funny. Because like, I, I’ve been talking a lot about Instagram and like, you know, I don’t use my kids on Instagram. I never say anything like that.

But the recent reel I did with, you know, you kind of want to drive away in the car, like the, you know, the mom intrusive thought. My daughter’s like, well, mom, it’s really embarrassing when people from my school follow you and they’re like, your mom wants to drive away in her car. I’m like, Okay. Well, also this is a real thought that moms have.

It’s totally based in truth. And guess what? I’m going to block all your friends right now. And I looked, I looked on her, her Instagram and saw what mutual friends that we had. And I went and I blocked

Brie Tucker: You dead?

JoAnn Crohn: One of them on No Guilt Mom. Yes, I did. First of all, they have no basis to follow No Guilt Mom. They really don’t. They’re not moms. The only reason they’d be following it is to harass her or razz her. So no, I’m not into that.

Brie Tucker: mine don’t like, they don’t just not follow us. They like get upset if I try to talk to them about anything about work. They’re like, nope, don’t want to know. I don’t want to, I don’t want to know. I don’t want to know. It was, I think that the funniest thing has ever happened is that since dealing with perimenopause.

And , a current advertiser we have on the podcast and I’m doing the ads for Middy Health, my daughter will walk by and she’ll hear me say, are you suffering from vaginal dryness? And she’s like, I don’t want to know! Mom! She like, cause my office is, you know, the first floor of my townhome. So there’s nothing that closes it off. There’s just a stairway that goes upstairs. So she’ll be on the second floor and she comes running down the stairs and just stares at me.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh my gosh.

Brie Tucker: This is your future, young lady. Go away.

JoAnn Crohn: Well, we have so much for you today in this podcast talking about sex and how it’s so much more than just the physical aspect. And if you’ve at all felt guilty about just not being in the mood, Oh my gosh, this episode is for you because you’re like, damn, right. I’m not in the mood.

So we hope you enjoy this episode of the no guilt mom podcast. Bri, we are ready to get in to this discussion right here because this was actually spurred by another podcast interview I did on C Roc’s podcast. Where he asked me about how he, from a man’s perspective, when women don’t feel in the mood and how to get them more confident about their body.

And I was like, hold on right there. it is not about just how they feel about their body. Because sex, like starts. In the mind first, and it really has little to do, I mean, it has something to do with the body, but it starts in the mind first.

Brie Tucker: Okay, so I have had different experiences with different people, and I think that for my balk, men, it’s just, it’s more of a physical thing

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah.

Brie Tucker: and they just, they have a very difficult time understanding that there’s a lot more about it for most of us women.

JoAnn Crohn: Yes. And if I was not a classy person, I would put the sound effect as a ding right now at that. But no, I’m classy. I’m a classy person. So that sound effect did not appear. Because I’m classy. I’m classy, Bray.

Brie Tucker: The ding or a boing!

JoAnn Crohn: classy, Brie. Whee! Classy. I’m classy. It didn’t happen.

Brie Tucker: it’s just, it, oh, I feel like it’s a scenario that so many of us understand, like. No matter who you are, no matter what your day looks like, chances are good that a typical day for us, we have work that we do either in the home or outside the home. We normally come home, then we have household tasks to do.

The kids are, wanting our attention. They’re wanting hugs. They’re touching my dog alone. The licking my dog, like we’ve decided he must have some degree of OCD and he like licks when he’s anxious.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh my gosh, my dog licks as well. Like, I can’t get her away from me. Like, there’s no point in the day if she’s by me where I, feel there’s not another being on me. my dog has the same thing.

Brie Tucker: Oh, mine will even do the weird thing where he’s like licking and staring at you at the same time. Like, is this okay? Can I keep licking your leg? Okay, I’m gonna get the skin off. Here we go. But anyway, I digress. The point is, lots of touching, lots of kneading. And then, like, maybe you’re hot because in the kitchen. Like, it’s summer here in Phoenix, so anytime I have to cook, I am hot because it’s like, oh my god. And,

JoAnn Crohn: add to that, like yesterday I was cooking in the kitchen and I was just sweating and

Brie Tucker: oh yeah!

JoAnn Crohn: putting the air conditioner down. It was

Brie Tucker: dripping! You’re

JoAnn Crohn: Yes.

Brie Tucker: I had one night where it was just me and my husband and I just like threw off the shirt and was cooking in my bra. He came downstairs and was like, this is interesting. I’m like,

JoAnn Crohn: I I’ve done that. I’ve. I’ve been in my athletic bra and I took a pan out of the oven and now I have a nice little scar line right there, right under my rib

Brie Tucker: No.

JoAnn Crohn: I wasn’t paying attention to like the pan hit me right there. I have a scar from a hot cookie sheet coming out of the oven.

Brie Tucker: that sucks.

JoAnn Crohn: if you’re cooking naked and it’s hot, but like

Brie Tucker: do an episode cooking naked or cooking sparsely dressed? Is that a thing? Leave us a comment.

JoAnn Crohn: Parsley grass. Yeah. All the things we have to think about.

Brie Tucker: us a comment. I want to know if that’s a thing. Like, if that’s a common thing. I thought I was unique. Apparently not. But you and I have a lot of the same thought process, so I’m not surprised that you and I would do something similar. Like actually we, we show up in the same clothes a lot of times, even during the day,

JoAnn Crohn: true.

Brie Tucker: but, but yeah, so like, you are done, you have just had so much going on. You finally get the kids to bed, you go in your room and like, you just want to take a shower and go to bed and your husband, like you walk in and he just looks at you, those little eyes and does a little eyebrow thing, you know.

JoAnn Crohn: The eyebrow thing. And

Brie Tucker: thinking back to

JoAnn Crohn: like,

Brie Tucker: Candles. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: No.

Brie Tucker: Yeah. And you’re just like, no. And then you never want to do it. If you only knew,

JoAnn Crohn: Yes, if you only knew. It’s like, it’s the hardest. Hardest, haha. Sorry, anyways.

Brie Tucker: Oh,

JoAnn Crohn: That’s what she said.

Brie Tucker: wait, wait, hold on.

JoAnn Crohn: Again,

Brie Tucker: Okay.

JoAnn Crohn: I’m classy, Brie. I’m classy. I don’t make those jokes. I would have made a hardest joke, but I didn’t. Because, I’m classy.

Brie Tucker: Cause you did it. Wait, hold

JoAnn Crohn: Cause I, I did. Huh. I take that in.

Brie Tucker: late, but you know,

JoAnn Crohn: it’s so interesting though, because we had Amelia Nagoski on the podcast. She wrote the book Burnout with her sister, her twin sister, Emily, and Emily is also I believe she’s a sex therapist. Maybe it’s a researcher or sex researcher. And she wrote the book, come as you are, which Brie has right here, the surprising new science that will transform your sex life. And I believe in the book she.

Digs into these things about how it is in the brain. And also there’s so much other stuff going on. I mean, you list right here, Brie stress and high levels of cortisol can decrease your libido, which I mean, which woman doesn’t have high levels of cortisol and stress in their lives,

Brie Tucker: exactly.

JoAnn Crohn: All of us do and knowing like all the things you have to take care of during the day, that, that means like you’re saving energy and

Brie Tucker: like, oddly enough, as we were getting ready to do this podcast you and I both belong to Tia Medical, which they have a location here in Phoenix, LA and New York, I believe. Do

JoAnn Crohn: it’s just for women. It is just a doctor’s office for women.

Brie Tucker: And it just so happened that two days before we did this, they had a Zoom session about sex and pleasure. And so I sat in on that. I was like, oh, just some research. And I got some interesting information that, like, when they said it, It was both a light bulb and a duh, like what they said made so much sense.

So like, they talked about how, like, if you were tired, if you’re not getting enough rest, that not only are you tired, but that it also decreases your body’s ability to produce hormones that are needed for everything, for stress resilience, for your libido, for like all of that. So instead of thinking like, I’m just tired. If I just get some more sleep tonight, I’ll be fine tomorrow or whatever. It doesn’t work that way. you have to get back on to adequate amount of sleep for your body to get back to normal. So

JoAnn Crohn: like a cumulative thing, right? So like, if you’re not getting enough sleep during the week, it’s not like you can catch up on weekends and be fine.

Brie Tucker: exactly. so that was something that I definitely was like, well, that makes sense. Cause I felt like such a horrible wife right after I had my kids and I didn’t want to do that. To do anything like I, I was like too tired. I wasn’t interested in sex and I felt like I was a horrible wife because here my husband wants to connect with me and I’ve had babies sucking on the babies all day, been puked on, peed on, pooped on.

I’m tired. I don’t even have the energy to take a shower and I’m a bad wife because I have absolutely no sexual attraction to this person knowing that the stress and the touched out and the not getting enough sleep. I wish I had known then and or my husband had known then that that could have such a big impact. I think maybe he would have tried things differently.

JoAnn Crohn: Women put like so much pressure on themselves, when they are in the mood for sex and sexual attraction, because like, I’ve gone through those guilty feelings as well, and I’m going to share what I went through right after this. So. We’re talking about the guilt that comes from not wanting to have sex with your partner. Cause I think it’s a big, it’s an issue that no one really talks about. And like you see on sex in the city, I always used to watch that show. And I’m like, how do they have the energy for this all the time? Oh, wait, not all of them do. They don’t have any kids. And the one with a kid, Miranda has no energy whatsoever. And is mad at Steve all the time. Yeah. Okay.

Brie Tucker: right. Yeah. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn: facts. So like it’s this tiredness thing. And even like I have, you know, I have ulcerative colitis and I’m dealing with like a long term disease on top of it. And yet I still give myself guilt. , even if I am in pain and going through a flare, I’m like, I’m so sorry. I have a flare. Flare right now. I feel really bad. It’s like, dude, when are we going to like give ourselves permission to actually honor our own bodies instead of thinking that our bodies are just there as an instrument for the pleasure of our partner.

Brie Tucker: Okay. I think I actually have a theory about this because we hear all the time about the importance of keeping that physical relationship going and in a marriage, you have to keep the physical relationship going. And I feel like. For a lot of us women, that just becomes another check on the checklist.

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah,

Brie Tucker: chore we have to do to be a good wife. What do you think? What do you think

JoAnn Crohn: Well, yeah, I think so. And I think like the physical relationship is actually a lot more than just penetration or like

Brie Tucker: Yes, it is.

JoAnn Crohn: cuddling, it’s hugging, it’s sitting next to each other. It’s like, giving your partner a kiss, that counts as the physical relationship as well. And I don’t think that that is acknowledged quite as much as it needs to. To be another thing I think really gets in the way is we talked with the author who came on recently, who wrote on our best behavior,

Brie Tucker: Mm hmm.

JoAnn Crohn: about, you know, the seven deadly sins that really infiltrate women’s lives. And one of those sins is lust. And this was really brought to the forefront of my mind when I was reading this book called Margo’s Got Money Troubles, which I’ve been talking about a lot lately by Rufy Thorne.

It’s fiction, and it is about a 19 year old woman who has an affair with her college professor. There’s a huge power dynamic there, by the way, she gets pregnant. The college professor wants nothing to do with her because of course he’s married, but she decides to have the baby. And right after she has the baby, she has trouble finding childcare.

Like her mom won’t help her out. I mean, not that her mom like, needs to help her out. Not that that should be an expectation. But like, she can’t get help for childcare. So she gets fired from her waitressing job. her dad, who is a. Yeah. WWE wrestler, like has been away for most of her childhood because she resulted from an affair of him and her mom. You know, it’s great. It’s a great book. I really recommend it.

Brie Tucker: rollercoaster.

JoAnn Crohn: He, comes to her door and needs a new living situation. And so her roommates, two of her roommates just moved out because the baby, of course, noisy, keeping them up. And so she needs a new roommate. So he moves in. Well, in the meantime, she, Margo finds out about OnlyFans. And OnlyFans is, you know, a social media site that has pornography. And so she creates an OnlyFans account. And I learned so much about OnlyFans from this book, by the way. So thank you for that education, Rupi Thorne. But you get subscription money for each new follower. Like, they have to pay to follow. So she starts one and she starts getting money that way.

And She ends up telling her dad who at first is mad, but then it’s like, no, you’re creating a brand. Like you should be able to use your body how you want to. You’re not putting it out there. You’re not having sex with all these random people. It is just you using your body for that benefit. And then she has a conversation with her roommate who also like, she knows about it too.

And they all come together to help her in this, which sounds gross, but it’s not but her roommate is like, Why are all these people calling you a slut? what’s the difference between a woman who is married, who is using her body in marriage with sex or who is like seen on the street as pretty versus someone who goes on OnlyFans and is seen as pretty and her body’s an object there as well.

And then the roommate’s like, oh my gosh, I just realized it. And why people say this person’s a slut and yet that person isn’t. It’s because she knows she’s doing it and she’s using it for her own benefit. And I was like, Oh, like it really made you think about how women’s bodies are viewed because in the context of like a marital relationship, it’s seen as fine.

Like act as kinky as you want, whatever, like your husband comes in, like admires you, whatever. But if you do it outside of that and you use it to your own benefit, and especially you use it to make money, then you’re a slut.

Brie Tucker: Like exotic dancers. I feel the exact, yeah, I’ve always had that like, wait a second, so as women, if we let people at our bodies we’re bad, but it’s the men that are willing to spend the money to see the body and they’re fine. But we’re bad because I, so, and I just mean we as like collective we, like I just, I, I have always found that dynamic very interesting,

JoAnn Crohn: it is. And when you look at it that way,

Brie Tucker: that it’s wrong, but it, it, it’s,

JoAnn Crohn: it’s complicated. It is so complicated. So like, if you’re listening right now and you’re like, Oh, that is complicated. And you’re just feeling guilty for not being in the mood. Well, yeah, I mean, this is such a complicated issue and you don’t have an on off switch. There’s so much going on in our brains when it comes to this.

Brie Tucker: Well, and I think there’s also the issue of the on off switch. Okay, let, I wish I had a boing. Like, men have,

JoAnn Crohn: we’re classy.

Brie Tucker: know, right? Men have an on off switch that is very visible. Like, there’s no question whether or not they are in the mood. And I think as a woman, like, not only can they not necessarily tell, By looking at us if we’re in the mood or not, like we can with them but I think too, sometimes there’s even a question in our own mind.

Like, I think I’m in the mood, but I’m not sure if I’m in the mood. And then I know that there’s also that shame on whether or not you’re able to. Participate in sex in a smooth manner, see where I’m going with that, like whether or not you’re wet enough or not,

JoAnn Crohn: Oh,

Brie Tucker: think that a lot of, like, we have been taught in general that when a woman is turned on and in the mood for sex, she’ll be wet, but as you’ve gotten older, we Yeah, as we’ve gotten older, we have learned that is not necessarily true.

Either A, we are lucky enough to have that validated by finding that out from hearing it from a, sex therapist or some knowledgeable person on the subject. Or, B. 

JoAnn Crohn: From Cardi B.

Brie Tucker: that’s a good one,

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, I know.

Brie Tucker: second, B, whatever, I can’t say B, that we’ve just figured out that we can be in the mood and not be as wet down there sometimes, and that’s not our fault. It’s not that we don’t, Want to have sex, but then that also, then, then you’re writing into the whole issue of like, well, now it’s uncomfortable to have sex. You might even be embarrassed about it. If you’re unfortunate enough to have a partner that doesn’t understand how a woman’s body works, they might shame you in it

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah, that’s not right. yeah, you’re never wet enough for me or like, obviously you don’t want to have sex because you’re How dare they? How dare they?

Brie Tucker: saying that those kinds of situations can come and then there’s shame, and then there’s that stress.

JoAnn Crohn: Can I shame them for saying

Brie Tucker: Go right ahead.

JoAnn Crohn: I? Shame.

Brie Tucker: Shame Shame. shame. But I mean, like, so then you have that added stress now of every time that there’s a sexual interaction, oh my God, am I gonna be wet enough? Is this gonna work out? Like it’s a, I, I, I, you know, are they gonna get mad at me? And maybe you don’t like the feeling of lubricant.

So then it’s like, Oh, now we’re going to have to use lubricant. And I don’t like lubricant. Like there’s, there’s a lot of things that then, then now, now your brain is on overload and sex is like, God, it has left the building. It is with Elvis. It is gone.

JoAnn Crohn: That’s with Elvis.

Brie Tucker: Elvis has left the building.

JoAnn Crohn: one. I know. I don’t

Brie Tucker: see, Brie’s brain is an interesting labyrinth. That’s all I got to

JoAnn Crohn: It’s fun. It’s a fun thing.

Brie Tucker: Yeah,

JoAnn Crohn: so we’re going to get into some other things that you may be feeling right after this. So some things to like start this conversation off with your partner and just giving you some vocabulary and some words because a lot of the time, we don’t know exactly how we’re feeling, but when we’re giving the words to communicate them, it becomes so much easier to have this conversation, especially when you’re talking about an issue like sex.

it’s so easy for your partner to go on the defensive about it and make it all about him and thinking , you don’t like him when really that isn’t the case whatsoever. So like one of the first things that you may be feeling right now is you’re feeling unsupported, unsupported at home, having to do all the things, having to like.

Take care of all the kids. Take care of bedtime. Maybe you even feel a little bit resentful to your partner. Like, I felt that. The resentment. Oh my god.

Brie Tucker: so my biggest thing I had in my previous relationship was that, My partner he didn’t sleep well. So he wanted to go to bed earlier than I did. Cause you know me, I’m a bit of a night owl. And so like, we would get the kids to bed and he’d be like, Hey, can we have some like time, time here right now?

And I’m like, Oh, but I still have to clean up the kitchen and I still have dishes and sink, he’s like, Oh, don’t worry about it. We’ll be fast. It’ll be fine. Okay. So then I’m being asked to do this and my mind is not on sex at all. It is 100 percent on the stack of dirty dishes in the sink that I’m going to have to do after we’re done.

And for me, for my personal choices, like I like to cuddle afterwards. I like to like reminisce and what just happened. But I’m not going to get to. Why? Because I’m going to have to hop out of bed and go wash the stupid dishes before I drift off to a happy sleep with my husband who I just had relations with.

I don’t get that relaxation. I don’t get to have any of that. My mind is on other things. And I’m feeling completely unsupported in the act, as well as in the relationship at home. And that is a conversation that has to happen.

JoAnn Crohn: absolutely. Because I mean, if he just did dishes more often than like, or like actually cleaned up the kitchen, you wouldn’t even have those thoughts. It’s funny. I had a former boss who wanted to write a book about how to get your wife to have sex with you. And this was like early time in Hollywood. Yeah. I mean, It was before the Me Too movement. Let’s just say that.

Brie Tucker: All right. All right.

JoAnn Crohn: I won’t mention his name,

Brie Tucker: I can imagine this book was not thoughtful of towards women, but go on. What did he suggest?

JoAnn Crohn: no, his main tip was to put on your calendar or like get an automatic flower delivery. So your wife just got flowers all the time and like, you didn’t have to do anything. And yet she would feel appreciated because she got flowers during it. And she’s like, he’s like, isn’t this a great idea? And I’m like, no,

Brie Tucker: Yeah, I’m all like, would I like the flowers? Yes. But the fact that you’re putting absolutely no thought or effort into it, it feels like I am being manipulated.

JoAnn Crohn: it’s, it’s, yeah, it’s the thought and the effort that goes into it. And, you know, looking back at the time, I mean, gosh, how old was my boss at the time? He was, he was like 27, 28. I mean, he was young. Yeah, he was

Brie Tucker: They think they have it figured out. 20 year olds.

JoAnn Crohn: 22 at the time. So he must’ve been,

Brie Tucker: I would say 21 to, to 32. You think you know it, but you don’t.

JoAnn Crohn: I’d be interested to what he thinks now, about that. I haven’t talked to him for a very, very long time, but yeah, I’d be interested to what he thinks now.

Brie Tucker: So yeah, so like, I think that you, if you’re feeling unsupported at home, And you’re feeling like sex is another chore and you’ve got so many other things that you’re doing, , having that conversation is, super helpful. And then , not in the moment, because neither of you really want to be having the conversation in the moment because he wants to do one thing, you want to do something else. And you’re both feeling pissed off.

JoAnn Crohn: hmm. Mm hmm. Exactly. Another thing was, you don’t feel loved. You feel like a doll.

Brie Tucker: Yes. See, and I think that comes back to the chore thing, right?

JoAnn Crohn: Yeah. It feels like a chore. Something to check off the list.

Brie Tucker: Yep. and that’s another thing, like not everybody You know, you have to figure out what you and your partner wants and you have to come to like an understanding of that. like talking during sex. Some people are very much against that and some people need to hear, I love you. I love this. Like having that conversation back and forth. Or like you said, the cuddle time, right?

JoAnn Crohn: The cuddle type, like you have to feel loved and adored and like, it’s more than just sex. It has to be like, you feel protected. I like to feel protected and I like to feel close and connected. And if this goes into the next tip as well, the always being in a rush, if you have like two crazy work schedules and you never see your partner and you feel it’s just like a wham, bam, thank you, ma’am. Like, and that’s the only interaction you get. Like, it’s not going to be. Good.

Brie Tucker: Yeah. What are your thoughts on scheduling sexy time?

JoAnn Crohn: No, too much pressure. I would say too much pressure. for me in particular, , I would like dread it because here’s the thing. personally, I just feel so rushed all the time. Like I’m trying to get so much done. I’m a constant busy up body. I’m like, I want to go to this. I want to go to this. Like I have a very hard time sitting still. You’ve seen like, like working with me and being my friend. I’m like, let’s go do this right now. Let’s go over here. Let’s, let’s plan for

Brie Tucker: We’re both emotionally driven. I’d say that. Mm

JoAnn Crohn: I’m always on the go and so like, I think that sex is a form of connection and I don’t think it can be planned personally. Like, I don’t think it can be planned. Like when you’re, when the, for me, yeah, when you’re in the first throes of like relationship and everything, it happens all the time. Great. It’s a natural thing to happen all the time, but like, it’s just. I wouldn’t like it . I would feel like this pressure to perform at that time and to get in the mood at that time. Do you know what I

Brie Tucker: I 100 percent know what you mean and I feel the same way. However, I do think that there are some people that they need to know that that time is set aside and that’s great for them. But I wanted to, but I, but I love hearing you say that because I feel like, first of all, that’s a big advice that’s given if you’re in a rush, right?

Like if you guys feel like you’re not having that, time together, then schedule it. Okay. That’s great. But don’t feel guilty if that doesn’t work for you. JoAnn and Brie are here to tell you that we’re both people that like, no, don’t put it on a calendar because the same as you, I would feel so much pressure.

I’d be like, crap, I really hope I don’t get a migraine today. I got to do everything I possibly can to not be, tired. I got to make sure that no matter what I’m doing today, that I don’t get a headache. I don’t have a stomachache, no cramps, like nothing, because I have to be 100 percent in the mood. Oh my God. It’s on the calendar.

JoAnn Crohn: It’s on the

Brie Tucker: How much pressure is that?

JoAnn Crohn: It’s a lot of pressure and it puts more pressure and I think it goes back to being on the, to-do list. It’s something on the to-do list.

Brie Tucker: I think for some people it works, but it doesn’t work for everybody and don’t beat yourself up if it doesn’t

JoAnn Crohn: Exactly. And I think for that always in a rush thing, the way to fix that is to make your schedule a little clearer or go away, go away with your partner. I find that like, I don’t get headaches when I’m away. Like when I’m on vacation, my shoulders relax, all the headaches and symptoms go away. And I’m like, Whoa, I’m a healthy being right now. What am I doing in my day to day life

Brie Tucker: Now

JoAnn Crohn: like

Brie Tucker: I will plan for. Yeah. That I will plan for. I’m fine with that. Like, yeah. So like we have a tendency, my current husband, I have a tendency to like make weekends away. And we typically would do it on the weeks that the kids were with their dad and I loved that. I always loved it because like we would just find a place and just go and just two days away. From the dog and the house and just everything just, it lets you have that, like you just said, where you’re much more relaxed, you’re able to connect, there’s no pressure and things just are naturally

better.

JoAnn Crohn: place. Yeah, it’s just good. It’s good. And then I see the last tip is it’s not about him.

Brie Tucker: Yes. Okay. Because I think that this is kind of like what I talked about before and again, I got this from my, my Tia Zoom session. They were like,

JoAnn Crohn: hmm.

Brie Tucker: we focus on sex and again, to recommend the book come as you are

JoAnn Crohn: Mm hmm. And

Brie Tucker: too many times sex is focused on orgasm, which first of all is. Easier for men to climax than it is for women, statistically, just in general,

JoAnn Crohn: depends on your cycle too how engaging the orgasm is for you.

Brie Tucker: Yes. So, so not only, so there’s that factor. And then two, as women, we do tend to go with that on off switch that we physically see on our partner. And so again, it like, it becomes that it’s about him.

And not about us, and we don’t think, and we don’t give ourselves the consideration that we need, like we’ve been telling you this whole episode, you’re tired, you’re stressed, it’s not a good time to try to have sex.

JoAnn Crohn: But it’s also that feeling that you’re being selfish,

Brie Tucker: Yes.

JoAnn Crohn: that always comes in like, don’t like you feel so selfish having any attention on you whatsoever. And it’s just part of like how we’ve been raised, I think. And I want to say like, it’s definitely a generation X thing. Millennials are kind of on the cusp, although my daughter says I’m a generation X er who’s barely a millennial and pretending I’m a millennial. I don’t know. And I took really big offense to that because she doesn’t know me

Brie Tucker: I think she’s just the teen pushing the buttons. We talked about this the other day. Teens have, teens are vicious. They are vicious.

JoAnn Crohn: This whole feeling of like you’re selfish, you like, don’t put the attention on me because then I have to perform in a way that’s going to make you happy. That’s the thing. It’s like you don’t even think about yourself. You’re like, I need to perform in a way that’s going to make you happy and not going to make you upset.

Brie Tucker: And how many times have you been in a sexual encounter with your partner where they came, you did not, and it was perfectly fine. what I mean is like your partner was like, Oh, well she just, she didn’t come.

JoAnn Crohn: Oh, not for my partner. No, it’s always been like have to be equal

Brie Tucker: okay, that’s fantastic. I’m happy for you with that.

JoAnn Crohn: But like sometimes like if it can’t be equal, I’ll be okay with it. I’ll be like, you know what? This is a lot of work right now and I have a lot on my mind and it’s just not going to happen. I’m sorry.

Brie Tucker: if it’s you saying that, but I mean like, I think a lot of us sometimes like the expectation is that when the man orgasms, okay, sex is done. And

JoAnn Crohn: Okay. So here I go to the men again. Shame on you! Shame! Like there’s my finger. Tsk men! Tsk! No! That is not how it should be.

Brie Tucker: No. No. Like, and if you guys are in a position where, I mean, I’ll admit it. I was in my, my mid thirties before I had an orgasm. I did not know how to do it. I was dumb and had listened, subscribed to the thought process that some girls just don’t get orgasms. It’s just, some girls just don’t. And, yeah, don’t even. The,

JoAnn Crohn: did you ever read Cosmo or anything like that?

Brie Tucker: you know, I’m just, I don’t know how to answer that. I mean, yes, but like, I just, it wasn’t something I had convinced myself that,

JoAnn Crohn: Oh,

Brie Tucker: Cause I, again, that is a rhetoric that goes around that like some women just. Do not have orgasms or cannot get orgasms through penetration sex. and so I had just believed that’s where I was. And again, my point being of this whole story, I just totally put myself out there on that one. But the point of this story is

JoAnn Crohn: I’m about to shave someone very in particular right now. Cause I know how those ages light up.

Brie Tucker: girl, girl, girl, this starts all the way back in college. So yeah, but it’s, it, I had to learn. What was good for me and that meant I had to like, let go of that shame or that, like, I couldn’t handle an audience like having my husband at the time, like messing around with me and like staring at me and being like, does this work? How’s that feel? Is this good? I’m like, I felt so like I was on a stage with a spotlight and like, ah, this is not how this works. So again, I had to eventually figure out what was good for me so that I could figure out how to communicate that going forward.

And thank God I like finally figured it out, but I’m just saying that like you do need to be able to be relaxed and to be able to have that conversation because you should be a part of this every single time you should be heard and thought of. And like you said, like maybe you don’t come, that’s fine sometimes. You know, your husband doesn’t come. That’s fine. As long as you both are fine with that. Not that it’s not that

JoAnn Crohn: church Brie. Amen! Sex church! Amen!

Brie Tucker: thing I want to throw out there again to my perimenopause menopause women is that it’s also not Your fault nor his fault if you start to have a decreased libido Or some of that vaginal dryness that comes with aging that’s it’s normal You Talk about it so that he doesn’t take offense to it because it’s not something you can control. And I guess, I feel like sometimes it kind of goes back into that whole, then he thinks that he sucks. And then there’s a shame that starts swirling around all of it again. And then it’s a pressure thing that like, Oh my God.

JoAnn Crohn: So like all of this is all about education and the fact that you’re listening to this podcast and you’ve made it to this point so far, we hope that we’ve armed you with some things that you could feel less guilty about how you feel about sex and through sex and hopefully give you some avenues to explore,

Brie Tucker: And know that you’re not alone, right?

JoAnn Crohn: know that you’re not alone. Exactly. The book is phenomenal. Come as you are. We’re going to put a link in the show notes for that. And I feel like my sign off has a double meaning today. remember the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you and we’ll talk to you later.

Brie Tucker: Thanks for stopping by.