Want to Stop Yelling? Here’s how! Podcast Episode Transcript

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JoAnn: Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I am your host, JoAnn Crohn, joined here by my delightful co host, Brie Tucker.

Brie: Hello, hello, how are you?

JoAnn: I had to go high with that one. Brie Tucker. Oh, the vocal stylings you get of us every day, who are totally trained singers, who have had years of experience pretending to be vocal virtuosos.

Brie: the shower, in the car, all

JoAnn: do this with our yelling too.

Brie: Oh my

JoAnn: Don’t do that! 

Brie: I

JoAnn: Get out

Brie: am very,

JoAnn: of here! Go away!

Brie: I am very good at raising my voice. That is probably a skill, I would say. anybody in my family would tell you, Bree has got a very good inside outside voice.

JoAnn: Well, if you struggle with yelling,

 You’re gonna want to stick around for this episode because we’re talking about why you can’t just stop yelling. you can’t just make that a goal for yourself to stop yelling because there’s a specific reason behind your emotional outbursts. And that’s what we’re digging into and what you can do instead to make that change to stop yelling.

So let’s get on with the show.

JoAnn: In our Balance Program, we talk to a lot of moms, and a lot of moms come in and they say they want to make this change to stop yelling at their kids. And we make goals in our Balance Program, and so this is one of the goals that we hear the most often. And, stop yelling is not a good goal. It’s not

Brie: it’s awful because you, it’s because you should keep yelling all the time, right?

JoAnn: Yeah, and then you feel like a failure because you can’t stop yelling. And you make your goal, you’re like, I will not yell when my kids do such and such. And then they do such and such,

Brie: Or even better, they don’t do such and such. They do something completely different. And you still lose your, your stuff. And you yell. And like you said, then it comes back to, well I’m a bad person because good moms don’t yell. Good parents don’t yell. Right? And why can’t I be more gentle like so and so, your favorite parenting influencer you follow, or your best friend, or your sister, or your mom?

I don’t know. you constantly then start comparing that it’s a personal default within you that you can’t control the yelling.

JoAnn: And that’s not true. It’s not true at all. And even comparing yourself to others, like the parenting influencers, sometimes when you get advice from people and we feel here at No Guilt Mom, we’re very transparent with you about what we do. we make mistakes all the time. All the time.

I’m not so much of a yeller, but I am a snide comment maker, and I do say some pretty harsh things that I then have to apologize

for. 

a lot of passive aggressiveness comes through me that I have to apologize

Brie: But Brie on the other hand is a yeller. Her kids will tell you she’s a yeller, and I do, and I, so let me kind of just back up slightly what we’re saying. We’re not saying that you can’t not, that, that if you’re a yeller, you’re going to stuck being a yeller and it’s going to be like, hey, I’m a yeller.

This is what I am going forward. there are things that you can do, but what we’re saying is, if you tend to have that moment where you just, Boil over, you raise your voice, you yell. it’s, there are things you can do to fix it. You didn’t just break your child. You didn’t just become the Incredible Hulk or Frankenstein or some other kind of monster.

You’re, oh, it’s okay. There are things that you can do. There are things you can do to recover from it and there are things you can do to help decrease the amount of times that you yell. And I’ll say that’s what I have become over the years. I do not lose my cool nearly as much as I used to because of the things we’re gonna share and talk about.

JoAnn: I would say not yelling is not the change that you need to make. It’s actually the result of other changes.

Brie: Yes. Yes. That is very well put. It’s

JoAnn: It’s the side effect of other changes that you need to make, but it can’t be controlled directly because we are basically held hostage by our nervous system. It’s not in our brain’s total control. It’s our nervous system’s control. 

It’s how sensory stuff affects us, how loud noises affects us, how stress affects us, how, Overburdened by the mental load we are, that really affects our patience.

And results in yelling a lot of the time and we give ourselves shame for yelling, but really there are so many other factors in play. Dr. Mona Della Hook, the author of Brain Body Parenting, and she’s been on the podcast as well, talks about our body budget. And how we have a specific number of things that we can handle at one time.

And when our body budget goes over budget, that’s when we have the big reactions. That’s when we start yelling. That’s where we get really impatient with people. I’m a very impatient person when I get over my body budget, that’s what happens.

Brie: And there are things that we can do. So we’re going to help share what you can do to help curb that yelling. Not stop at cold turkey, because that’s a hard goal to have, but how to curb it. And then also what you can do when you’re having those big reactions, how you can also then start to curb those as well.

So,

JoAnn: Yeah. we have four things that you can work on for things. So if you’re not driving. Take out your notes. Start taking notes. If you are driving, keep your eyes on the road because we will have this in a transcript or show notes for

Brie: Well, or just listen to us again. Keep listening to us. We got good stuff here. We got good stuff. Keep listening.

JoAnn: good stuff. So the first one, first thing you can do, it’s really not the yelling. Remember we told you Yelling is a symptom of something else. So to find what it is a symptom of, you need to reflect, reflect, reflect.

Brie: Think of yourself as a mirror, as a beautiful crystal clear lake.

JoAnn: And the best way to do this is to think about what happened before the yelling. The best example I had was when I was in therapy after having my first child, and my therapist taught me something about circle thinking. Where you go back and you examine your thoughts before you started either being really down on yourself, which was my symptom.

I would be really hard on myself, really self critical. And you look through the process. So the first thing is, okay, let’s look at when you went from contained and calm to yelling. When we identify that moment, we need to think, well, what happened? What happened right before that moment? What was my trigger?

And maybe it was something like, oh, my, I, I could use this story actually with my daughter. My 14 year old daughter was in my room at 9 45 and saying, no, mom, don’t make me go to bed. Don’t you love me? This is what 14 year olds do. And it was that thing that she said that then triggered an emotion, a thought within me.

And the thought within me was like, Oh my gosh, here is my teenager on my bed, wanting to spend time with me. If I don’t take advantage of this right now, she’s not going to be here forever and I’m going to lose this time with her. And those were the thoughts.

Brie: I call it the grateful bug. 

It comes in and makes you feel like crap for not feeling grateful about every second of every day. Sorry, 

JoAnn: Yeah, exactly. No, it’s not. It’s you better say you’re

Brie: I know. I 

JoAnn: you bet

Brie: We’ll have to do a whole episode on how to stop saying sorry, and I’ll take my own notes on that one.

I’m

JoAnn: me and our friend Shayna got on Brie. Cause Brie apologizes for everything. And we’re like, instead of saying, don’t apologize. We’re like, you better say you’re sorry.

Brie: the kind of person that’ll be like, it’s raining outside. I’m so sorry, guys.

JoAnn: You better it’s your fault. It’s raining. It’s your fault.

Brie: Oh, good Lord. Okay. So the grateful bug. Gotcha.

JoAnn: And so then I look at, okay, well, what feeling did that trigger in me? And it triggered sadness, it triggered guilt, it triggered shame that I’m a horrible mother.

Once you have those identified, you can go back and ask yourself, Okay, well what could I tell myself instead that would be more helpful?

When I said, you know, no, you need to go to bed. And instead I could tell myself, hey, I am showing my daughter how I am setting a clear boundary about protecting my body budget because I know I need the sleep. I also know that I am touched out right now, and I cannot be touched anymore or else I’m going to lose it. And how does that make me feel? Well, that makes me feel really strong and empowered when I think about it that way, that I am setting a boundary. And this circle of thinking is something that I couldn’t control in the moment. I had to go back after a situation happened, so maybe it was after I didn’t set the boundary and I just broke down crying and I was just snappy and making those movements and getting really mad.

I would have to go back and go through this process and be like, okay, but after going through that process enough times after doing the reflecting, I am able to now catch myself in the moment when that situation happens, I can identify that feeling and I can immediately switch course before I do anything that I have to apologize for.

Brie: Yeah. And that’s a huge thing. It’s all about that ability to reflect on what’s happening. What has happened. And. That is a huge factor there.

JoAnn: It’s huge, but know that you can’t do that in the moment right away. You really have to practice going backwards first and then your brain gets trained to do it.

That’s the first one

Brie: all right. So, what about number two? When you reflect, what do you do now?

JoAnn: you need to take some inventory to am I upset about something else? And something that we love to remind people of is halt hungry, angry, lonely, tired. And if you’re any one of those, it’s about time to advocate. To make sure that you get what you

need 

Brie: and a big thing with that is because HALT is something that everybody deals with these, cause these are your basic human needs, your basic needs, and if any of them are out of whack, it can totally address everything else with you.

JoAnn: and I cannot stress this enough, you cannot identify this in the moment right away. You just can’t do it. your amygdala, that portion of your brain that is the fight or flight response, it is so charged and trained right now that it is impossible to stop before you yell.

If your immediate reaction is yelling or reacting in a big way, it is impossible. You can’t do it. You can look afterwards when you’ve calmed down and reflect, but when you reflect, just notice. Was I hungry? Was I angry? Was I lonely? Was I tired? And the more you’re able to take note of that, you’re like retraining and creating new neural pathways in your brain so that eventually in the moment, you’ll be able to be like, Oh wait, I’m hungry right now.

Stop right there. I need to get some food and probably shouldn’t talk to me for a little

Brie: And you know what? The truth is we know it’s pretty common. I mean, Snickers had an entire ad campaign for years about what happens when you’re hungry.

JoAnn: Oh, yeah. And the,cool thing is that once you know that this is a trigger for you, you’re able to stop and make sure you get what you need before you get to that point. I mean, just when we were going on a trip, the three of us, a month ago. I remember we were in the hotel room and I’m like, okay, we got to go guys.

We got to go get the food. We got to get the food right now. And that’s because I knew that when my hunger gets out of control, everything, the entire world starts melting down for me. That is when I start thinking that people are not liking me or that I’m a horrible person or that, and it’s all hunger related.

Once I get food, I’m fine. I’m fine. But knowing that about yourself is really helpful so you can prevent those things from 

happening. 

Brie: thing.

JoAnn: It’s a huge thing. 

Brie: So we have the two things that have happened so far, again, reflect and when you have reflected, you need to take your inventory. We have two more tips that we’re going to be sharing with you on what you can do to help reduce those big reactions. Okay, so the next two tips that we have for you are pretty good ones. they’re ones that I deal with on a pretty regular basis. The first one is, When you’re feeling calm, try making some scripts for yourself on what to use when you’re upset. Because I don’t know about the rest of you, but when I’m really stressed out, things do not come naturally to me.

I tend to be really worked up and I have a hard time figuring out what those steps are, what I should have done, what I, what shoulda, woulda, coulda monster comes in. does that happen to you, JoAnne? I know, right?

JoAnn: The shitta witta cutta.

Brie: Yeah. I mean, all the

yeah,So

JoAnn: And you don’t know what to say, and you stammer over your words, and it helps to have a script that you can rely on, and say, and comes out.

Brie: So we actually have a few scripts that we use here at No Guilt Mom.

We share them in a lot of different stuff that we do. Our Calm and Happy Parenting program, we share them in Balance. But they help in so many different situations. So, the first one is the I statements. we talk about this too in so many things, don’t we? other people cannot make you feel a certain way, right?

we have to take control for our own emotions, take ownership of that. but then we can also acknowledge the factors that impacted those emotions. So the I statements would be something like, I feel frustrated when you. Will not leave my bedroom after I’ve asked you to, and it’s bedtime.

JoAnn: Yes.

Brie: back, right?

Coming back to an example that, that we’ve had before. 

JoAnn: So, telling people that I statement is really the basis of a strong relationship, because it’s good for other people to know, number one, how they come across, and what they’re starting kind of in you and how you perceive it, because everybody’s different what they perceive. We all have different histories.

We all have different, things that have happened to us in the past. So, when somebody that you care about knows that, they can be a lot more thoughtful about their… Communication with you in the future and know that’s the

Brie: Cause it also came in a healthy way. You weren’t picking on them personally, which sometimes that I will not sometimes I think for many of us, it’s hard when someone makes it sound like it’s all 100 percent us. so first there’s the I statement that we just did. Another great one is the win then.

that’s something that JoAnne, I mean, you share that a lot with our balance team or our balance members. And I feel like it is something that has to be used a lot because so many times we’ll be like, Oh, well my kids, they always say that they’re going to do their chores before they start watching YouTube or whatever.

I know it’s but they never do. They never do. So I have to nag them. And we’re like, Oh, but wait, that does not need to do that.

JoAnn: No, when then’s a great way to set your boundaries and your personal expectations, because you really, you are giving up your power. When you say that your kids don’t do that, you actually have a lot of power in that situation because you could say something like when you finish your chores, then you can go watch YouTube and it’s just the order that you do things.

We all have an order. We do things. So when then is a great script to you.

Brie: Yeah. Cause you just said, it also gives them back the power too. it’s not you guys trying to have this arm wrestle for who’s going to be on top. it really does give your kit the power to be and think about it. You do it when they’re little. how many of us, when our kids were really little, like toddlers were like, do you want the red cup or the blue cup?

Do do you want this game or that game? Do you want this book or that book? we give them those choices to help them have more power and autonomy things. And. Saying, when you do X, Y, Z, then we can X, Y, Z, that really does go back and get everybody that

JoAnn: And it’s simple. It doesn’t use a lot of words because as adults we tend to over explain  and when then is a very simple thing to

Brie: and that’s when that emotion level just goes higher and higher because it gets frustrating. 

JoAnn: and I noticed that you do something that kind of, slows your thinking down too. I’ve noticed this a lot. you, like, start saying something and you’re like, what I hear you saying is, and then you repeat it.

Brie: that is another huge one right there for sure. it’s happening to go back and say it again. okay, I’m hearing this because you’re sometimes that Bob is telling us random crap that is not being said.

Brie: that can be a tough one. And then this is my favorite one. It works really great. With my youngest because my youngest she’s 15 now and she is an arguer I keep telling her that if you do not go into some kind of litigation in life You are missing out on a natural talent of yours because she is the kind of person that would just keep going and going a lot of times because Actually, I’m not sure what her motivation is for doing it I would assume it’s because she thinks she’s going to win or not win I hate saying that but she thinks that’s going to be an effective method for her.

And then her emotions go up, then my emotions go up, then my volume goes up, her volume goes up, and we just end up yelling. Both of us do, and neither of us like that situation. So this is one I use a lot. I’ll take a deep breath and I’ll go, I love you, and no. And that is what I tend to say a lot when they keep trying to push that boundary.

I’ve already said, Whatever the boundary is, and they’re having a hard time accepting it, I just keep saying it at an even, because for me, it’s a short phrase and I can say it at an even level, even if I feel my blood pressure going so high and inside, I want to scream, I want to yell, I can manage to pull out the I love you and no, I just shake my head.

I love you and no, as I’ve said, I love you and no. And.

Yeah, it’s a great one that I can pull out pretty easily and I use it a lot when I hear myself starting to frustrate and at this point, I’ve been using it probably for a couple of years now and my daughter will normally back off because she knows at that point it’s done.

And it doesn’t mean that we’ll never discuss the situation again, but we’re done in that moment because I’m getting to a point where I am getting unregulated and I’m going to start yelling and I don’t like yelling and she doesn’t like it when I yell. 

JoAnn: But if yelling happens, it’s okay in the long run,

because that brings us to our fourth

Brie: Yes, you can yell and you can repair afterwards because it happens. Nobody’s perfect. You don’t expect perfection out of your kids, right?

JoAnn: no, it happens. It totally happens. And by repairing, repairing is another way for you to say apologizing, but it may not be apologizing. It may be something else that you need to do and it’s all based on the other person. So like I, when I say something passive aggressive, usually that is how I operate.

I, When I go into repair, I will, usually it’s to my daughter because she gets me to that point, and I’ll say, hey, you know, I said this, and I am so sorry. I didn’t mean for that to come out. I didn’t want to say it that way. And I apologize. And then she’ll tell me some other things about how it made her feel and how wrong I am.

And I just have to stick with it and I’m like, Yep, I am so sorry. I wish I didn’t say that. And I’m going to try to do better.

Brie: I, 

JoAnn: that’s all I can do.

Brie: because I think what you’re doing in that situation is you’re acknowledging your part. and a lot of times too, when we’re upset, we just want somebody to acknowledge a part that they had in it in some cases.

Brie: and again, right now we’re modeling that for our kids.

What a healthy conversation sounds like it’s where you’re, you admit that okay, I had a part in it. and a lot of times you feel remorse for it, right? I’m sorry that I had that part. It was never my intention to have us yell or to have anybody be upset or feel hurt.

so I, so that’s where you can bring in that whole, I feel statement again. I feel blank when you blank. I felt blank when you blank. I have to say this and I imagine JoAnne, you’re the same. I would say at least half, if not more of our quote unquote arguments in our household between our family members is because of a misunderstanding.

I felt like when you said such and such, you were trying to imply such and such, or when you said such and such, I felt like such and such. And a lot of times they’re like, Oh wait, that is totally not what I meant at all.

JoAnn: And just correcting that little thing to be like, Oh, thank you so much for telling me that because that is not my intention whatsoever. I did not want to do

Brie: And on those other occasions where it’s not that, it’s I felt hurt when you said that my outfit looked ugly. Okay. I probably shouldn’t have used those words. Ugly isn’t probably the best word. What I meant was it clashed. Like, I don’t know what we mean is 

JoAnn: It wasn’t my personal style. We get into that a lot with my daughter. we were just talking about Instagram the other day and I’m like, yeah, I put the shark reel up. Maybe you could use a shark reel for, Taylor Swift, your Taylor Swift account and immediately out of her mouth. Oh, that’s for old people.

Brie: Like that gif of the woman that’s getting ready to strangle a kid. Ah

JoAnn: And then immediately I go, excuse me? She’s I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant people my age don’t do it. I’m like, okay, thank you so much. when I’ve already had that discussion with her about the old people comments. She makes a lot of them. We’ve talked about how it affects me before.

So I’m able just to look at her now and she’s oh, right. 

Brie: Yeah, 

JoAnn: But when you go and repair it, they learn those things and you don’t have to keep repeating it over and over because they’ll be like, My bad.

Brie: yep And we have a whole nother episode on this even way back at the very beginning of no guilt mom We have episode 30 is what to do after yelling at your child. We have an entire episode of helping you repair after yelling because it happens people. You are not a bad person because you lost your cool.

I would probably say The Hulk becoming the Hulk isn’t the problem. It’s when he tears up the city out of his anger and rips things up. That’s when it’s a problem. We all tend to get upset and get frustrated. but we can repair through it. what was it? recently with the heat wave over the summer, there was that picture going around the meme of I’m sorry for what I said when it was 110 degrees outside.

yeah, sometimes that’s where it comes down to just I’m sorry what I said when I was hungry. I’m sorry what I said. whatever it

JoAnn: There’s a lot of things to work on becoming better aware of, so know that this process really takes time and give yourself a lot of self compassion and a lot of love when you take the time to do it. And the number one place to start is just start reflecting and start knowing, when you reflect, You are able to identify what triggers you and work on those triggers and acknowledge them and then they become conscious.

When they become conscious, that is when you could take the steps to stop yelling and you’ll find it’s actually effective that way. So, Make sure you reflect, reflect, reflect, reflect, that is where you start. And if you want some company on this whole journey, come and join us in balance. what are you waiting for?

Balance is this amazing, amazing place where not only you have the support, but you get me and Bree as coaches, you get all of our challenges and it is just a wonderful growing place to be. 

Brie: And I would say that so many of the moms in our group are working on this. we’re all working on trying to be a little bit less reactive.

JoAnn: Exactly. And take our amygdalas down a notch.

Brie: for sure.

JoAnn: And we hope we’re seeing you in our Mom Ignited Summit this week. It’s going on right now. If you’re not in it, momignited. com. Go there 

Brie: Come join us. Yeah, come join us and all the fun. It’s amazing. So hoping to see you guys there.

JoAnn: Remember the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We’ll talk to you later.

Brie: Thanks for stopping by.