Podcast Episode 317: What to Do When Your Kid Says I Hate You Transcripts

Please note: Transcripts for the No Guilt Mom Podcast were created using AI. As a result, there may be some minor errors.

JoAnn Crohn (00:00.778)

Welcome to the No Guilt Mom podcast. I’m your host JoAnn Crohn joined here by the lovely Brie Tucker.

Brie Tucker (00:07.181)

Why, hello, hello everybody. How are you?

JoAnn Crohn (00:09.954)

Today we’re talking about that phrase. I hate you because when kids lay that one down, my gosh, I feel like all of our parenting triggers are ignited. Like I hear this a lot in our community. Like what do you do? What do you do when your kid says I hate you? mean, Brie, have your kids ever said I hate you?

Brie Tucker (00:35.657)

Not that I recall, but I have been told that my mere existence irritates them.

To me, that’s kind of the same damn thing. Kind of the same thing. Matter of fact, actually, I would say that one stung more. I think I would have been a, I think I like looked at my kid and I was like, why don’t you just say I hate you? And they said that because this sounds nicer. I’m like.

JoAnn Crohn (01:04.332)

You’re like, I don’t.

Brie Tucker (01:06.28)

But that’s when I say it in my head. I don’t like you very much right now. I love you, but I don’t like you.

JoAnn Crohn (01:14.964)

My kids have not said I hate you to me, but I could tell you all of the things going on in my head why they don’t say I hate you. It’s not because I’m a special Wonder Fairy or something like that, but I specifically go around these situations where I hate you could come up. Basically, I never put myself in a position where I am strictly against my children or telling them outright what to do because I know from my perspective I can’t stand being told what to do and you know this Brie you know like if you tell me what to do I will fight you tooth and nail and I will like go against even my best interest if I am told what to do so knowing that part of my personality I try not to put myself in that position against my kids because there is no fighting me if you’re telling me what to do like I will make your life a living

Brie Tucker (02:14.078)

You are very strong willed. You are strong willed when you feel like someone is directing you in a path that doesn’t match what you see.

JoAnn Crohn (02:14.27)

Not always consciously. I am.

Yes, well what I see or with any like regard to my feelings whatsoever and that could be that could be part of how I grew up is the reason why I act like that and I’m gonna get into that story.

Brie Tucker (02:30.211)

Yes!

Brie Tucker (02:39.097)

I gonna say, I feel like there’s a story of Bruin for this podcast episode about what to do when your kid says, I hate you.

JoAnn Crohn (02:42.268)

yes, it’s a good story. Yes, and so let’s go on with the show.

INTRO MUSIC

Okay, so I have a very, I’ve been told a strong personality and sometimes I feel like I’m told that not the nicest way.

Brie Tucker (03:03.083)

What? Wait, you mean like somebody says it in a mean way or they mean it in a mean way? They don’t mean it nice.

JoAnn Crohn (03:08.406)

I feel like they mean it in a mean way. I feel like it’s like a sugar-coated, like, bless your heart. Like, bless your heart. You have a strong personality. Bless your heart. I’m like, thank you. I know what you’re saying there, and I don’t agree. But I don’t know.

Brie Tucker (03:23.961)

That’s funny, sugar coated, bless your heart. I’m gonna use that.

JoAnn Crohn (03:27.016)

Yeah, I do have a strong personality. I don’t like being told what to do. I have very strong opinions and sometimes like I feel like I have not been listened to in the past and I think that’s why I might dig in my heels so much. One story comes to mind. I mean, we grew up in the 90s. It was very authoritarian parenting there and authoritarian parenting. If you’re not familiar with the term.

It’s basically parents make the rules, kids listen to the rules. If kids don’t listen, they get punished.

Brie Tucker (03:59.577)

Can I just say, whoever came up with the naming of parenting, why did you make one of the most detrimental parenting systems authoritarian? And why did you make one of the best parenting scenarios authoritative? The same damn word, just with a different ending. I always mix them up and it’s a bad mix up. I mean, it’s like,

JoAnn Crohn (04:14.709)

Yes.

JoAnn Crohn (04:20.734)

Mm-hmm. yeah. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (04:28.385)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (04:29.461)

Yeah, yeah, it’s a bad mix-up. Anyway.

JoAnn Crohn (04:31.722)

Authoritarian, feel like I always see dictator as authoritarian. And then authoritative is like, you still have authority as a parent. Don’t worry, that’s not going away. But you have also equal respect for your kids wants, desires, and needs. And there’s a high amount of love there. That’s the balance we seek to achieve as parents, not the authoritarian. But like my dad definitely ruled with an authoritarian hand. And he is a very nice man. And he thought like he was doing the best he could.

for us as kids, you know, he kept the order and everything. So one situation in particular comes to mind every time I think about this, because I was in high school, I was a freshman in high school and I had fallen in love with this school club. It was Odyssey of the Mind and it was a team of us, so a team of five and what Odyssey of the Mind was where we got a problem solving kind of thing.

where we had to solve the problem through a skit. So it was like a story-based problem. You solve it through the skit and you then go compete with your team where you go and present your performance of solving this problem. You get judged. And there was another piece of the competition too where it’s all about spontaneity and how quick you can come up with answers to a problem on the fly. it’s a great organization. I don’t know if it, I think it is still around, but there’s no clubs at my kids’ schools.

Brie Tucker (05:50.883)

Interesting.

Brie Tucker (05:56.291)

It is more of like a trivia show type thing, but it’s not. Okay.

JoAnn Crohn (05:59.314)

No, yeah, it’s not trivia. It’s more creative thinking and how like thoughts kind of meld together and how you can make creativity out of that. But I love this group. This was where I put

Brie Tucker (06:10.137)

Well, it’s like theater and logic went together. This is your jam, girl.

JoAnn Crohn (06:15.806)

Yes, so I spent all of my time with my OM team. We’re getting ready for competition. We would meet on weekends. We would prepare. We would practice. We would rehearse. Then we would go to regionals, the first competition. And so with regionals, we placed in the top three in regionals, which meant that we got to go to state. And in between regionals and state, it was my very first year in high school and freshman.

And my dad said, hey, if you get anything below a B, so if you get a C or below, you’re out of O.M. And I was like, OK, yeah, whatever, dad. And in my English class, I did not gel with the teacher at all. Like he had that way of dealing with things. He would specifically say, yeah, I told you to do this. And like I had no memory of him saying to do these things. And then I wouldn’t do them. And then he would grade them on them. So I like

I felt so confused in the class and so like not like I could go and talk to the teacher about it because every time I went to talk to the teacher, you know, and I got a C and I brought home that C. My dad yanked me out of OM right before state competition, right before state competition. And it devastated me. It devastated. I was crying. I had to tell my team I was out.

Brie Tucker (07:30.329)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (07:37.692)

and I was out until the next round of report cards came in where I was able to actually, brought up the score to a B just by doing what the teacher told me, even though I highly disagreed with it, which, it hurts my soul to do that, know, hurts my soul. And, I had my, my team went to state and they, won.

Brie Tucker (07:54.627)

haha

JoAnn Crohn (08:04.812)

thankfully. So then we went on to world and I was able to join them in world, but I felt the whole situation was just so blindly unfair because yes, he did tell me he would take me out if I got to see, but I was 13 years old and I had no idea how to navigate that situation with my teacher of him saying something for me to do and me not understanding it. And there was no thought or question asking of me being like, JoAnn, like

What’s going on in that class? Like, what’s like, how can I help you in that class? Like, what are you feeling in that class? Like nothing. My feelings were just whatever. It was get this B or else. And that is really where I was like, okay, well, if this what he wants, this is what he’s gonna get. And so I got A’s, but then I completely closed off the rest of my life, completely.

And that sucks in a parenting scenario to have your kid close off the rest of their life to their parents because at that moment in time, I felt so unsupported and so unloved really when I know my dad was doing it out of love, but still I felt so unloved. I know now, I know now.

Brie Tucker (09:04.938)

Yeah!

Brie Tucker (09:15.661)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (09:23.479)

You know, now, not at that time. Yeah, like at the time you go through the gamut of emotions. God, I could see you trying to like, could see, gosh, people can’t see your face right now, because it’s a podcast, but JoAnn is emotional. Yeah, still feel it.

JoAnn Crohn (09:33.067)

Yes.

JoAnn Crohn (09:40.552)

I like I just felt it. And in that moment, if I didn’t feel like I would get more punishment, I would have said, I hate you in that moment because I hate you doesn’t come out of disrespect for the parent. It comes out of feeling this disrespect as a child and feeling that your opinions and your worth don’t matter. And I think that is so important.

Brie Tucker (10:07.289)

Very good point.

JoAnn Crohn (10:10.124)

to get through when your child says, hate you, it’s because they don’t feel like they’re being listened to. Now, I’m not saying that’s anyone’s intentions. Obviously, it was not my dad’s intentions whatsoever, but that’s where it comes from.

Brie Tucker (10:26.829)

Yeah. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (10:28.798)

Yeah. So when, when we’re talking about what to do after your child says, I hate you, really think that taking into account how as a parent did I contribute to this situation right here? And how is my, what is my child actually saying to me when they say I hate you? Because it’s really not, hate you. It’s, Hey, listen to me. I don’t feel supported right now. And there’s something else going on in me.

that I just like, I would have begged my dad, like if I had known just to ask me those questions and to like feel that concern for me, because I would have told him if that interest had been shown.

Brie Tucker (11:19.897)

Well, I have an interesting story I would love to share. I didn’t quite say I hate you, but I was pretty damn close. And I’ll share that right after this.

Brie Tucker (11:56.537)

So before we started recording this episode, you asked me, have my kids ever said I hate you? And I’m like, no, no, just the, mire existence annoys me. And I will hold that one as an ace in my pocket whenever I feel like throwing that sucker out there, because we can laugh about it now. Not in the moment, but we can laugh now. I did have a moment though, where I basically said I hate you to my

JoAnn Crohn (12:16.47)

Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (12:20.353)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (12:26.499)

to my mother, but I was too scared to say it, right? Because again, growing up in the 90s, authoritarian, yeah, I got it right that time, authoritarian parenting. So what I had going on was I wanted to go out with my friends and, or with my friend, my best, best friends that I hung out with all the time, all had boyfriends at the time. I was in high school, I did not have a boyfriend at the time.

JoAnn Crohn (12:36.662)

Yeah, it’s a thing.

Brie Tucker (12:56.306)

I was hurt feeling excluded from my best friend pack. This is an important piece of the story.

JoAnn Crohn (13:00.064)

Hmm. And that’s a huge, huge point of contention for teenage girls. to feel excluded. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (13:04.575)

Right? nobody, exactly, and nobody was excluding me. They just had boyfriends and I did not. So they were, was some, it was at the end of like a string of like maybe like a month and a half or so of like me not really getting to hang out with my friends a lot because they were spending time with their boyfriends. And I just didn’t want to be like, we would get together, but I was, it was weird if I was the only one there. So anyway.

JoAnn Crohn (13:12.286)

Exactly.

JoAnn Crohn (13:22.261)

Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker (13:29.453)

I had another friend that I had just started hanging out with and she liked to go to dance clubs. And in Kansas city, we had a couple of underage dance clubs, like six, like 16 and up. And I was 16. And so I wanted to go to the dance club with my friend. And my mom said, absolutely not. There was a shooting there last weekend. And I’m like, mom, that is so dumb. No one’s going to come back and shoot up the club the next weekend in a row.

JoAnn Crohn (13:40.117)

Mmm.

JoAnn Crohn (13:50.37)

you

Brie Tucker (13:58.987)

Okay, seriously, people? And I believed that full-fledged and I’m not saying it’s not true, but the degree of which I felt disrespected at the comicalness of her logic. And it was logical. I would say the exact same thing right now. So anywho, I’m like, that’s just dumb.

JoAnn Crohn (14:07.36)

Is that ya?

Brie Tucker (14:23.563)

Nobody’s going to come shoot at the club two weekends in a row. It should be safe for me to go this time. And if anybody starts shooting, I will duck and crawl out. Mom, I’m a brilliant, mature 16 year old. I, whatever. So.

JoAnn Crohn (14:36.642)

This sounds so much like your daughter, by the way.

Brie Tucker (14:41.945)

So, so then my mom just goes straight out to, not only do I not want you to go, I forbid you from going to go do that. You cannot go out with that friend tonight because I don’t trust that you won’t still go to the club after I’ve told you no. So now I’m telling you, you can’t go out with that one friend. And, and that’s it. And in my mom’s eyes, all she said was you can’t go to the club because there was a shooting and you can’t go out with that one friend because I know she’s going to go to the club. As a parent now, I see the logic, but as a teen, no, what I saw was I don’t care that you have no friends. I don’t care that you have nothing to do. You’re gonna stay home because you’re a loser. That’s what I heard in my head. So I turned to, wait, JoAnn. So then I turned to my mom and with the meanest face ever, I went, you’re such an ogre.

JoAnn Crohn (15:13.846)

Yeah.valid. That’s valid. Okay. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (15:42.689)

Who in 1990, I don’t know, six, says to their parent, you’re such an ogre. I don’t know. This is pre-Shrek days. That was my gentle way of saying, I hate you. I was immediately grounded because my mom was like, what did you do? I swear to God, she was, what, did you just call me an ogre? fine. You’re not leaving this house.

And then like we got this huge fight and like it it progressed into very very very bad territory But that that was me like that was me telling my mom. I hated her like I called her an ogre and and Did I not love my mom? No, I loved her but in my in my child brain I thought she was being illogical and again had she said to me Because this was not how you parented in the 90s, but had she said to me

JoAnn Crohn (16:22.145)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (16:41.933)

Whoa, I’m hearing a lot of feelings right now. Why is this upsetting you so much? I would have said to her, I would have probably word vomited the whole dang thing. My friends are leaving me out. I haven’t seen them for months. I’m a loser. I have no other friends. I have nowhere else I can go. And I’m not saying she would have changed her mind. I’m pretty sure she still would have not let me go to the dance club that had people that got shot the weekend before, but.

JoAnn Crohn (16:46.924)

Mm.Yeah.

Brie Tucker (17:09.737)

She would have at least understood where I was coming from and I think the situation would have had a completely, completely different turnout.

JoAnn Crohn (17:16.146)

Exactly. Because your feelings in that situation are valid. Like I think about how many people say, teenagers are so emotional. And I have to say, like, if your teens emotional, there is something else going on that you don’t understand because they will just tell you they will they will show you everything they’re feeling inside and nothing about it is ever a logical. There is always a reason behind the emotions. If they’re like if

Like you said, if you saw that emotional response in your kids, you’d be like, wait a minute, this is a really out of proportion response here. What is going on? It could have helped a lot.

Brie Tucker (17:58.509)

Right, or even if it wasn’t an out of proportion response, knowing what I know now, I would be like, okay, we’re gonna all go cool off for a minute. And then we’re gonna talk about this because it’s all about, like you said, about validating, understanding that, okay, I hit something there.

that really triggered a huge response that, you know, doesn’t seem on par. So there’s some misunderstanding. I’m not understanding where they’re coming from. They’re not understanding where I’m coming from. Something’s happening here where we need to get ourselves on the same page. So, yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (18:26.882)

Mm-hmm.Yeah.

There’s something happening. It’s so interesting. And we’re gonna get into what to do if your child gets into that I hate you right after this.

So when I first started like really conversing with people, I would be afraid of conflict, Brie. I would think I had to manage the conflict. I would think I had to say the exact right thing so people wouldn’t get mad. Now, however, knowing what I know now, I realize that when emotion comes out in situations, it’s not my job so much to manage it. It’s first my job to figure out what exactly is going on. Like what exactly are we talking about? What are the other things this person is thinking that is creating this emotional response? And that’s what we have to do with our kids.

Brie Tucker (19:32.011)

Mm-hmm. What’s their story, right? Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (19:41.356)

So the first step you mentioned is first everybody needs time to cool off because emotions get fiery and they hide up logical reasoning. So you need that time for everyone to calm down and for that logical brain to get back online.

Brie Tucker (19:46.22)

Yeah,

Okay, so I have to be like, all right, this happens all the time in our life. Have you ever gone grocery shopping hungry? Where your emotions are high, you are hungry, you end up coming back with like, you make decisions that you wouldn’t have made had you been in a normal, calm state. So like that is the example I would give that. Cause if you’re ever thinking like, but the disrespect needs to be handled right away. trust me with the exception of like a two or three year old saying that they hate you, they’re gonna remember that they said it. I mean, cause again, like I know we’re referring to times where this happened when we were older, but even if your five year old says, hate you, I can guarantee you that if you take the time to calm down and you come back to it, they’re still gonna remember that they said it. Yeah, yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (20:38.804)

Yeah! They’re going to remember. Yeah. And it’s one of those things where like, you don’t have to ignore it with sad either. Like if I hate you comes out of like one of your children’s mouths, you could be like, hold up. That’s not cool. We need to take some time to cool off. And you could say that. Yeah.

Brie Tucker (21:08.395)

Yes, yes, yes, that’s addressing it, right? So like, again, like if you feel like the disrespect has to be addressed immediately, the way you just said that, like no matter how old your kid is, hold up, we don’t talk like that. Hold up, that’s not cool. Hold up, yeah. Yes, yeah, yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (21:16.098)

Mm-hmm.

Hold up, that hurts me. We need to cool down. Yeah, anything like that you could do, but you need to give your child a chance to cool down. Now, when I first started doing this with my kids, my kids needed a lot of time to cool down, more than I thought. There would be four to five hours sometimes.

Brie Tucker (21:40.505)

Okay, give in, like, yeah, can you give us like a number?

JoAnn Crohn (21:47.636)

Yeah, where it’d be a lot, like a huge emotional response. And especially if there’s any neurodiversity in your household, and I would say there’s neurodiversity in every single person, it’s a spectrum really. the higher you go on the spectrum of neurodiversity, particularly if you have kids with ADHD or are on the autism spectrum, emotional…

Brie Tucker (21:57.529)

Ugh.

JoAnn Crohn (22:14.23)

Like meltdowns are going to be a lot more extreme, a lot more intense and last for a lot longer. With ADHD in particular, you feel emotions so much stronger. You have this, what is it called an ADHD? Now the term is slipping away from me. It’s like you feel conflict more. You feel like rejection more. It’s this rejection thing you feel with ADHD. And I’m going to have to look at it right here. Rejection ADHD rejects is

Brie Tucker (22:40.025)

yes, it’s, yes, there’s something about that. Yes.

JoAnn Crohn (22:44.414)

It’s called rejection sensitive dysphoria.

Brie Tucker (22:47.107)

There we go, yes, yes, I do know that. I’ve seen that and I’ve read that and I totally agree with it. my God, because you’re just afraid that everybody is rejecting you right out the bat. So you’re like, okay, big wall.

JoAnn Crohn (22:52.651)

Yes.

Yeah. And so the ADHD kiddos are going to have higher like emotional responses because of that. If you have ADHD as a parent, I have ADHD. I have huge rejection sensitive dysphoria. If I feel like I’m rejected in any way, I will go completely into like my own little shell meltdown. All of the shame and guilt will come in. So just know that. It helps too when you need to address the issue. If you know this about yourself.

I have to give myself some time to cool down because what I want to talk about when I’m angry is very, very different from what I want to talk about when I’m cooled down. I could see the logic under it when I’m cooled down and I’m like, it’s this conversation versus this conversation. Yes.

Brie Tucker (23:40.973)

Yeah, thinking, it’s like that term of flipping your lid because when you’re really upset, you flip your lid. And I know that nobody can see what I’m doing in podcast slam, but I’m the little fist with like, you’re thinking with the emotional part of your brain. Once you’re able to calm down, then you can move it back to the front where you have like your executive thinking and you have your logical brain where you can piece things together.

JoAnn Crohn (23:45.986)

Yeah.Mm-hmm.

Yeah, I could actually give you an example of it because this just happened yesterday where we had come back from a vacation over the weekend. Like we came back Sunday night, Monday morning. There was still so many things to do. I went to go pick up the dog from boarding in the morning. My daughter woke up completely late. And so my husband wasn’t able to take her to school because he had an early meeting, but he didn’t tell me this.

Brie Tucker (24:11.022)

Yes!

JoAnn Crohn (24:34.216)

I came home from picking up the dog. My daughter’s still standing there. She’s like, can you give me a ride to school? I’m so sorry. And immediately, I’m like, this is your dad’s job. Like I’m thinking this to myself. I’m so mad. He’s disrespecting my time. He doesn’t think my time is worthwhile as he is. Like those were my emotions talking. And I’m like, okay, I I’m mad. I realize I’m mad. I need to give this some time. And so.

Brie Tucker (24:40.601)

my God.

JoAnn Crohn (25:01.288)

since I’ve gone through this so often, it only needed 30 minutes until I started thinking again. And I’m like, hold up, we have had this discussion before. It is not about disrespect. It is basically he needs to know exactly what I need in this scenario. Because it’s really it was really stressful for me to come home from doing something that’s usually not in my morning routine.

to be confronted with something else that I had to do right away, like at a moment’s notice, like that is a stressful situation. And I would have appreciated like a heads up, an explanation, like saying like, hey, I am so sorry, this is coming for you. I’m like, and anything, just address it. And so when I was addressing it with him, he’s like, I thought like she was telling you, she was texting you that she needed a ride and she woke up late. And I’m like, I get that.

Brie Tucker (25:31.779)

Yeah. Yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (25:57.324)

but this text needs to come from you because I need to know that you’re respecting my time in this situation. Even though I know you probably think you do, just, need to know it needs to come from you. And he’s like, got it. And so it was a total different conversation versus if I had it when I was angry versus cooled down. So let everybody cool down.

Brie Tucker (26:20.611)

fantastic example of it. So yeah, exactly. Because the things that you can say, you will probably end up regretting later. yeah, that’s the thing I want to toss out to you. Chances are good that your kids at some point will regret having had the conversation the way that they did. Like, we are sharing, like, just you and I alone, right? We’re sharing these stories of things that we did, which I can tell you in the moment.

JoAnn Crohn (26:24.61)

Mm-hmm.Yeah.

Brie Tucker (26:49.953)

in the year even, I still would have been pissed off and been like, I was totally in my right. But now here I am, I’m finally able to actually see their perspective when I was acting the way that, I don’t know, my teenage daughter acts now.

 Yeah. So because of that, that I now have the child that I was, I can reflect back now and see my parents’ perspective a lot better. And I’m laughing at it. Like I was a, what? That was ridiculous scenario. Like it was just anger and anger and yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (27:37.878)

Yeah. And you could also look at it being like, okay, my parents were doing the absolute best that they knew how to do at the time. I needed something different at that time. And of course, when we know more, we do better. Like when I look back at the situations with my parents, like I, I know that they were doing the best, but I, I needed more. And now that we know that about kids, we know that about thinking we can give this to our kids. We can give them the stuff that we needed.

Brie Tucker (28:07.703)

Yes. Yeah, I think that’s the big thing that is the biggest mind shift into this authoritative parenting thought process is what are the things that would have been helpful for you when you were younger? And I found the biggest piece that has been helpful to my teens, and again, I’m shooting back to teens because I have them now, but even when they were younger, was giving them the benefit of the doubt.

JoAnn Crohn (28:07.828)

as a kid to have that better relationship with them.

Brie Tucker (28:37.771)

and pausing, coming back and asking questions. So we’ve talked about how you need to give your child and you time to cool down. And that’s different for every kid. It’s different for scenarios. It could take 30 minutes. It could take four hours. You don’t know. There’s no rule of thumb that’s going to be, is the best time. You just have to gauge that on your own. Two, talking once everybody is in that calm state.

JoAnn Crohn (28:47.606)

Mm-hmm.

Brie Tucker (29:07.297)

And then what is like step number three that comes along with that when you’re talking?

JoAnn Crohn (29:13.28)

You have to repair the situation. And in this sort of circumstance, it goes full circle. So the story I told you about what I needed in that situation, why my dad said, why I wanted to say I hate you to my dad, why you calls your mom an ogre. Like when you repair, you’re reflecting on how you could have handled it differently. And that’s what I do with my kids. And I’m like, hey, like we got into this like little tense moment here. I just wanted to say, I’m sorry. I do realize what I did. And I apologize for things all the time to my daughter and tell her the reasons. And I’m like, when you said this, it triggered this in me. And I thought you were doing this, even though you probably weren’t. That was just the story I was telling myself. And I’m sorry. And I’m going to work on handling that better next time.

But when you repair and you admit like your contribution to the situation, it is so powerful because you will see your kids are more likely than to admit their contribution to the situation.

Brie Tucker (30:23.617)

Yes, tell us what they, tell us what they learned, JoAnn. Like my little game, my little game show host. Show us what they’ve won. What did they win in terms of life skills from that conversation?

JoAnn Crohn (30:27.904)

Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, well, they’re also they’ll probably apologize for saying I hate you if you go into the conversation like that.

Brie Tucker (30:40.131)

They’ll learn, so they’ll learn that they have like, that they had a part in it. They will learn that it’s okay to apologize to people.

JoAnn Crohn (30:45.708)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (30:51.637)

they will learn that communication truly does help make things better.

JoAnn Crohn (30:57.12)

Yeah, and that conflict makes things better and that you can recover from conflict.

Brie Tucker (31:01.517)

Yes, you don’t have to hide from it. You don’t have to have a relationship where you’re perfect all the time.

JoAnn Crohn (31:07.296)

You can hash it out and it’ll be okay. I think that like, that is the most important thing to realize for some people and in relationships, like that you can hash it out with someone and still like, you could feel closer to them after, because you just learned a little bit more about the other person. I know that I have had relationships in the past with friends who they said one thing to me and I told them I didn’t like it and they never talked to me again.

again. And that friendship was definitely doomed from the start. Like, I don’t even know how I would have fixed that friendship. Because I didn’t reach out to them because I felt hurt in that situation. I probably like if this was happening today, if that happened, I probably would have reached out and been like, Hey, that really hurt. Let’s talk. Like knowing that they would have had a chance to cool down and talk about it. But we were in college and that didn’t happen.

Brie Tucker (31:43.159)

Yeah!

Well, okay, that’s a great example right there. We as the parents, well, unfortunately and fortunately, we have to carry that heavy load. We have to be the one that shows our kids how to show up. if we are, right? Because if we are expecting, even with my teens and even with yours, like your kids, even though we have both done this sort of parenting with them.

JoAnn Crohn (32:18.656)

Yeah, that’s important.

Brie Tucker (32:32.889)

for pretty much their whole life. I still don’t expect my 16 and 17 year old to be able to master this. Like if we have a disagreement and they, let’s say they were like 100 % in the wrong here. There’s like, I don’t know what’s an example. my kid had like, I had a kid that had a car accident and didn’t tell me.

And he got away with it for a couple of weeks because he moves between two houses and where he parks the car, we didn’t see the dent until later. And it’s like, what happened here? And he’s like, well, I didn’t tell you guys because I thought I was going to get in trouble. I didn’t expect him to come to me and apologize or anything right away. Because again, he doesn’t have that. I don’t expect that sort of logic from him.

JoAnn Crohn (33:22.08)

Yeah.

Brie Tucker (33:27.481)

Why? Because his frontal lobe is not completely, he doesn’t have all that figured out yet. The brain is not completely developed. So I, as someone who does have a developed brain, needs to take in that step and be like, okay, let’s talk about this. What happened? What could we have done differently? I could have screamed at him about the dent. All that would have done is solidified his thought process that I was gonna lose my shizzy when I found out.

JoAnn Crohn (33:28.098)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah. Yeah, that I think is the really hard part. Like you as the parent, if your kid says, hate you, you’re going to have to be the one who starts the conversation. Like they will not come to you. Just don’t expect it. They will not come to you. So don’t like give them the silent treatment and being like, you haven’t come and talked to me yet. Cause I’ve seen that happen. I saw that happen in my house when I was younger, but don’t do don’t expect it.

Brie Tucker (34:03.307)

Aha. Yep.

JoAnn Crohn (34:21.452)

Don’t expect it. You have to be the one to do the conversation. And I swear, it is going to pay off so much when you do that. It’s a hard conversation to have, though. So we hope that this has brought you a little bit of comfort. Your child doesn’t hate you. They’re just feeling un-listened to, and there’s ways to solve that situation.

Brie Tucker (34:28.248)

Yeah.And these steps do work. They do work. mean, yeah.

JoAnn Crohn (34:43.862)

They do. Yeah. And remember, the best mom is a happy mom. Take care of you. We will talk to you later.

Brie Tucker (34:51.491)

Thanks for stopping by.